


As a Little Bird Flies

by Newbieauth



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gen, Hyperventilation, Marijuana, Maybe - Freeform, Mild Gore, Mild torture, Modern Girl in Thedas, Modern Music, Multi, My First Fanfic, Never written smut before, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Singing, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, threats of sexual assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 85,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28574778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newbieauth/pseuds/Newbieauth
Summary: The night everything changes always seems to be one that started out normal. Nothing out of the ordinary until the extraordinary happens; borderline impossible. And yet, here I am. Can someone please tell me how I ended up here?One night Jessabelle Rivers gets ripped away from her mediocre life on Earth only to be dropped into the Waking Sea just off the Storm Coast. In THEDAS. She never actually played the first two games herself… Did the Hero of Fereldan survive? Who is King? Did Hawke let Anders go? Will this be one of her play throughs? Or a completely new Inquisitor?
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 123
Kudos: 219





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Italics are for direct thoughts._ Unless it's for _emphasis_. I think it's easy to tell but if not, let me know.

The day was long, way longer than it should have felt. My feet ached and my throat stung every time I spoke. There had been an argument in the kitchen at my job, maybe more than just an argument, it was a full on fight. The head chef threw dishes at one of the servers who had accidentally served a dish ‘too early’. 

The volume I had reached to get the attention of both completely blew out my throat. Now I could only manage to whisper without wanting to rip my vocal cords out myself. I’ll definitely need honey and tea to help soothe it. Hopefully Declan was asleep so I wouldn’t have to be apart of another argument. 

I don’t know how much longer I can put up with him. It seems that every time I return to our apartment, he has something new to fight about. It wasn’t like this when we first got together, but I guess only time can reveal the truth. And the truth isn’t a pretty one.

I shook my head and unlocked the door to my apartment. The lights were dimmed, so that was a good sign. The apartment was not large in the slightest. The front door opened directly into the kitchen, the living room branched-off that as did the bedroom. Closing the door without it squeaking was always hard and nothing had changed this night. 

“You’re late, again.” The suddenness of his voice startled me into dropping my keys.

“Shit, Dec, you scared me.” I whispered and picked them up. “The kitchen staff had a fight, I had to help clean up.” I turned and froze at the sight before me. Declan stood at the other end of the kitchen with a handgun in his right hand. He wasn’t aiming it, but he was holding it. “What the fuck are you doing?!” My voice rasped and burned.

He didn’t answer, just looked at me as if he was deciding what he was doing himself. He wore nothing but a pair of old pajama pants. His usual tanned complexion was pale and a thin sheen of sweat sat atop his skin.

I didn’t know what to do, though I felt that yelling about it would only make things worse. I took a deep breath and asked, “Why do you have a gun?” 

It worked.

“Protection.” He simply stated and furrowed his eyebrows as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“From what?” I swallowed, “Are you in danger?”

He looked at the gun confused for a moment before looking back at me and aimed it, “You want to leave me.”

I raised my hand slowly. _Of course I do._ “What makes you think that?” My hands began to shake and my eyes began to sting as they looked around for anything to defend myself with. They landed on an almost empty bottle of whiskey.

He shook his head, brown hair barely reflecting the low light. He kicked forward something dark. My ‘to go’ backpack. I released a shaky breath.

“That’s for if there’s a disaster.” _This was a disaster._ “Like for a hurricane or something.” _It wasn’t._ I had packed it yesterday while he was at work. “That’s why it’s waterproof." _It actually was._

His brows furrowed again, “A disaster?” His hand lowered slightly. 

I nodded frantically, “Yes!”

“You don’t want to leave me?” His voice was quiet and small, the opposite of his appearance. 

_Yes the fuck I do._ “Of course not.” The reassurance gave me chills, and not the good kind. I had no plan, but my bullshitting seemed to be working so far. He was obviously drunk and unstable. “Please put the gun down and we’ll go to bed, it’s late.”

He swallowed hard and nodded before putting the gun on the small dinner table to his left. He held the same hand out towards me. I hid a shudder and placed my hand in his, letting him lead me towards the bedroom.

The lights were on as were the lights to the bathroom. The bedroom matched the rest of the apartment, small and unremarkable. It held a large dresser, a full bed, and two beside tables; one of which had a broken corner from when we had dropped it whilst moving in.

“Let me change, okay? I smell like a restaurant.”

He nodded and released my hand. 

I turned to the large dresser and moved my body so he couldn’t see what I was grabbing. I grabbed a pair of jeans, sweats, underwear, and a cropped top that I could pass off as pajamas. Unfortunately any non cropped top I wouldn’t be able to pass off as sleepwear. After making sure the jeans were hidden, I walked into the bathroom, “I have to pee, so I’ll just change in there.” I explained when he looked confused.

Once the door was shut, I quickly changed out of my work clothes, leaving my bra and socks on. Panties, jeans, sweats, I flushed the toilet, on went the faucet, make sure sweats covered high-waisted jeans, and turn off faucet. My breathing had even out, not naturally.

Declan stood just outside the door when I opened it, causing me to jump slightly. “You didn’t brush your teeth…”

“Oh, must have slipped my mind.” I answered and put my hair up to brush my teeth. He waited.

After I finished, I crawled into the bed, he turned off the lights then followed. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. 

He kissed the side of my face, “Goodnight, I love you.”

“Goodnight.” I whispered back.

Seconds felt like hours in the dark, but I think it would have felt like hours even if the lights were on. I just had to wait until he falls asleep, then I could leave. His arm was tight, but I’ve slipped out before, I could do it again.

I slowed my breathing and began to count. _One, two, three…_

_…twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty…_

_…fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five…_

I began to doze off…

_…one hundred…_

_…two hundred…_

I fell asleep…

My eyes slowly opened and it was still dark. I couldn’t tell how much time had passed, it had to be at least a few hours, but I continued where I left off…

_…five hundred…_

_…six hundred…_

_…nine hundred ninety-eight, nine hundred ninety-nine, one thousand._

I focused on Declan’s breathing; slow and steady with a soft snore, he's asleep. His arm had loosened, enough to move it without waking him. Slowly, ever so slowly, I lifted his arm just barely off my midsection and shifted away from him. 

Once no part of him touched me, I slid off the bed quietly, careful to not disturb the mattress too much. Yet, the effort was not ‘clean’. My sweats snagged on the broken corner of the bedside table and ripped louder than I would have liked. With a desperate glance to Declan to reassure myself that he was still sleeping, I soundlessly pulled the sweatpants off and left them hanging on the stupid corner. If I were to get caught… A sinking weight of fear settled into the deepest part of my being just thinking about it. My heart rate could most likely rival a hummingbird’s at this point. 

I always knew Declan was a little messed up, but normal stuff; insecurities, jealousy, clinginess albeit a bit possessive, and slightly aggressive… okay a bit more than slightly, we have had violent fights before, never to the point where he would hurt me physically, nor I him, but items have be thrown as well as him shoving and holding me against a wall. But nothing screamed possibly psychotic and homicidal when highly intoxicated.

That is, until he held me at _fucking_ gunpoint…

Once I exited the bedroom, I grabbed my backpack that was still on the floor of the kitchen and swung it on. The pair of sneakers I wore were left in the bedroom and I was NOT pushing my luck with even an attempt at retrieving them. Luckily, I had one more pair that laid just past the entrance to the living room. 

After quickly pulling those on I passed the kitchen table and glared at the gun. _He should NOT have it._ With that thought in mind, I swiftly nabbed the gun, made sure the safety was ON (it was), and stuffed it into my bag. And after that move that delayed my exit, the bedroom door opened not six feet to my left.

I froze and he stared, and stared, and stared. “I fucked up.” He voice rasped, thick with sleep.

 _Yes._ I didn’t respond…

“I know I fucked up.” He stated again with some distress.

 _Yes, I know._ I remained silent…

He continued, “I was drunk, it was moronic and unnecessary, I shouldn’t have done it.”

 _No shit._ Still, I didn’t say anything. I could tell he was slowly getting more upset with my silence.

“… I wouldn’t have shot you.” He pleaded, “I wasn’t gonna. I just…” His eyes searched my face, “I didn’t want you to leave. I love you.”

I didn’t love him, I don’t think I ever had, but I had cared for him. We had some great memories together, it was hard to feel nothing for them. I took a heavy breath, “How would you have expected for me to stay after that, Declan?”

He went to move forward but stopped as I half-stepped back. The look in his reddened eyes… he looked sad, desperate, and defeated. “ _Fuck,_ ” He croaked, “I’m so _sorry._ ”

He didn’t move as I continued to back toward the front door. My phone was on the counter next to the door as were my keys; I put my phone into the backpack and held the keys.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, “for letting me leave.”

He nodded and closed his eyes, as though he didn’t want to watch me leave. In its own way, it could be seen as quite heartbreaking. A small amount of sympathy gripped me, but I immediately smothered it.

I turned, opened the door, and then…a bright green light.

…And I was falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this, it's my first fanfic as well as the first time that I'm ever posting something I've written. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  There will be a decent amount of talking to oneself.

…Falling…

…Falling…

…Falling…

_How long have I been falling? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? DAYS?! I don’t even know…_

At first I was terrified and thought that maybe Declan tricked me and knocked me out, but my head didn’t hurt. And despite the small size of the kitchen, he still wouldn’t have been abled to reach me to knock me out in a blink of an eye.

My eyes were open but apparently useless, every way I looked, I saw a bright green that I could swear I’ve seen somewhere before. I wasn’t in any pain but was feeling the worst case of motion sickness I had ever felt in my life, and I love rollercoasters. 

I couldn’t even tell which way I was falling, up? Down? Hell, sideways? There was no indication in the sick sea of green that invaded my sight. Just the falling feeling you get when you’re just about to fall asleep, but amplified to ten…thousand.

Oddly, I was calm? That may not be the correct word to use, but I wasn’t panicky, at least not anymore. Maybe resigned is a better choice. Confused, definitely. I know I’ve seen this color before, not on any clothing, I didn't own anything in this color. But, I knew it, I know I did.

After some more undisclosed amount of time, I came to the conclusion that I, in fact, hated this fucking color. If I were to never see this color again, it would be way too soon. That is, if I ever _stop_ fucking seeing it.

“Stupid fucking color…” I seethed aloud. I don’t know why I did; maybe to hear my own voice not in my head, but it softly echoed into the green. 

_That’s interesting…_ “Ah!” I called out as best I could without hurting my throat too much. It echoed more clearly than before. _Cool._

_Maybe this is a dream? Nah, can’t be. My throat… Maybe I just think my throat hurts?_

“AHHH!!” I screamed as hard as I could, and immediately regretted it. “ _fuuuuuuck_.” My voice rasped worse than before.

 _I could still **think** it hurts, it could still be a dream…_ I wouldn’t be testing the theory anymore though.

I tried counting to maybe keep some reference of time, but after ten, I would get confused and have to start over, I couldn’t even count how many times I started over…

_…This has to be Hell, right? I dropped dead and got sent to Hell, it makes the most sense… the non-time, the motion sickness, I can’t keep count, this **horrible. fucking. color.**_

_…shouldn’t it be hot though? This isn’t hot it’s…_ If I could describe the temperature of this green atmosphere it could only be described as what ever temperature room-temperature is with no smell at all. The air was just vacant of any scent.

As more non-time went by, I grew passed resignation and became annoyed. I was so fucking bored, and confused, but mainly bored. There was no reason to continue to look every which way I could but I still did it, in some desperate, hail mary attempt as to find something. Anything. But it was just all green…

…And then, it wasn’t.

In the distance there was what looked like rocks, but tinted in the green. And they were approaching, fast. I was gonna belly flop on to these rocks so hard… 

_Maybe I’ll die…again? Maybe I’ll wake up…_

Just as I was about to make impact, I stopped falling mere inches from becoming paste and hovered. “Oh shi…” -until I didn’t- “…ow.” I groaned.

_What the fuck?_

I took a moment to just sigh in relief that I didn’t have to stare at the color any longer before getting up to access my new, hopefully more encouraging, surroundings. The rocks most definitely felt like rocks and looked like rocks, and didn’t at all have a green tint to it up close like it had looked at a distance. The sky, however, was fucking. Green. I mean it looked like a normal sky, if it were that dumb-ass color. It had clouds and fog and shit, but it was all variants of green.

And then it hit me… it was the fucking fade from Dragon Age. With that single realization any anxiety I had dissipated.

_Oh, this **is** a dream. Thank fuck._

It was a weird dream, for sure, but a dream none the less. It made me wonder if before was a dream as well, but I had my backpack…

A flicker of something small and white caught my eye as it floated around in the distance with more rocks and some spires, a wisp. It looked like a little ball of light that seemed to just drift here and there with no apparent destination. Despite being just a ball of light it was oddly cute, calming almost. I let myself just watch as it slowly moved further away with a small smile on my face until it disappeared from my sight.

_Cute. Alright back to business, how do I get out of here and wake up?_

I could try and find a demon to kill me, that would definitely do something. _I've never died in a dream, always woke up before._ But demons would probably be scarier than in the video games and I might just run.

I could try to find a rift, that might wake me up. Though, a rift might just drop me somewhere in Thedas based on dream logic. _At least I’d be out of here._ A rift it is.

With a plan in mind I picked a direction and began walking deeper into the rocky fade.

After a while I thought it was odd that I hadn’t seen any thing other than that one wisp and the rocky ground. Usually dreams reflect what you have seen before, right? So based on that, I should see the same fade from the game, with the Nightmare, or ruins and demons, no? Surely not just leisurely hiking through the fade with no excitement but a mere wisp?

_What a boring ass dream._

I tried to listen for anything other than my breathing and nothing but the soft echo of my steps could be heard. So I decided to be proactive.

“Hello?” I called out as best I could, “Anyone home?” 

My echo was the only response. 

“I’d like for something to happen.” 

Nothing.

“Knock knock.” I started. 

“Who’s there?” I responded.

“Cole.” I answered.

“Cole who?” I asked.

“It’s me, Cole. That is my name.” And I snorted to myself. I had to have been walking for hours at least, I was actually starting to get tired. I didn’t know a person get feel tired in a dream. Maybe it was the boredom and isolation.

“You can keep that joke, Cole!” I joked, it was already his. He probably wasn’t here. _It would’ve been a great surprise though._

Then all of a sudden, any boredom vanished because I had heard a sound that I didn't make. I froze and listened. It was silent until, there! An echo that wasn’t mine. It didn’t sound like a voice's echo, but a rumble then a small pop almost. Finally.

My body practically vibrated with giddiness, it had to be a rift! I ran in the direction it echoed from. It became louder, the rumbling vibrated the rocks beneath my feet. It was just passed a large spire in the distance, I could see it, a faint green glow. It hadn’t even opened yet but I laughed as I neared.

But I didn’t make it before a large mass slammed against my left side, throwing me a good ten feet to the right. A deep ache blossomed on my left side. _That was definitely going to bruise._ I looked up to my left and saw, probably, the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. A large, beefed up, Pride demon. It was fucking huge, a good eleven feet tall, maybe more. 

_Did it just swat me like a fly? It had to have, I would have died if that thing body checked me._

It laughed, it fucking laughed at me. _Dick_. It didn’t do more than look at me after that, but that was enough to petrify me. Its horns added an easy two or three feet, sharp spikes covered large sections of it body like armor, and had black talons for nails. Seven black eyes watched me and I struggled to stand. And once I did, it started for me.

_Shit, I was right before, I did not have the capacity to just stand here and let myself be killed. Fuck that._

It was big, which usually means slow. I ran, I had to be faster, I’m way smaller than that thing. And I was, though it was blocking the rift, guarding it like it knew that’s where I wanted to go.

I don’t know why I looked around, there wasn’t any other rift, but there were other spires and loose rocks. If I could chuck rocks at it and run, maybe I could bob and weave my way to the rift and hopefully it would open if I touched it. It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was the best I had.

The rocks were easy enough to find but if I wanted to piss the pride demon off enough to get him to charge me, I would need some larger ones. A small watermelon in size, preferably. I’d probably be able to throw it reasonably hard. 

It hadn’t moved towards me at all, nor lightning whipped me, so that was nice. Until I started to throw softball sized rocks at it. Throw a few, hide behind a spire while he retaliated, don’t try to look or get fucked up, and repeat. Throw, hide, don’t look, repeat. Throw, hide, don’t look, repeat. Pride was roaring and I knew I was yelling almost the entire time, but I had no control over it what-so-ever.

 _Watermelon!_ A perfect sized stone just laying next to another spire had my name written all over it. It looked like it was a bit heavy, I would have to get closer so it would actually reach the demon. I quickly glanced over to Pride as I ran for the rock. It looked angrier than it did before so my plan was working at least. 

Luckily, there was a spire near the demon. Unluckily, it was a little closer than I would have liked but I didn’t have much choice. So I hiked up my metaphorical boots, grabbed the rock and ran to the spire. Rocks flew by me as it kicked them in my direction. 

_I should have done sports in high school._

I was tired, so tired, about to pass out tired. My muscles ached and burned, but my adrenaline was the real MVP and kept me going. The spire seemed even closer than I thought, I felt like I could hear the pride demon almost breathing.

_Do demons even breathe?_

I took several deep breaths, stepped out, and heaved the melon rock over my head with every last drop of adrenaline I had left. And suffice to say, it worked. 

The pride demon roared so loud that I stopped breathing. Then, with not much more warning, the ground shook as it ran for me. I ran just before it plowed through the spire I was just behind and roared again. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, go, go, go, go, go!_

I ran for the, still, not quite opened rift. 

_You better fucking open._

Just several feet from the rift a sharp pain erupted from my left shoulder that spread quickly causing me to stumble forward to the ground as I screamed. Any adrenaline I had left was abysmal, my vision was getting fuzzy and dark, I knew was going to pass out soon. 

_Just get to the rift._

I glanced behind me as I scrambled to get to my feet. The Pride demon began to ready his whips again. Once my feet were under me, I threw myself toward the rift, hoped for the best, and blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I'm mostly going to be posting AT LEAST once a week, sometimes more because I get excited whenever I finish a chapter and don't have much _patience_


	3. Chapter 3

“Alright, enough standing around!” The booming voice of the Iron Bull called out over the light rain on the beach. “Time to head to Haven, the Boss will be a few days behind us!”

“Still need to seal the casks, Chief.” Krem responded. “Don’t want to waste it.”

More Chargers stood around three casks with large breaks in the tops, trying to figure out a way to seal them.

“Jus’ get Dalish to magic it.” A younger Charger, a human by the name of Dak, replied in a thick fereldan accent.

“I’m not a mage!” Dalish exclaimed as she crossed her arms. “It’s a bow!”

Dak scoffed, “Yeah, and I’m the Maker.”

Laughter rang out amongst the Chargers. The Iron Bull shook his head with a small smirk and watched his men fondly.

“Do we have to close ‘em?” Another asked, a dwarven woman named Berti. “Just leave ‘em stood up.” She suggested.

“We should jus’ shove you in ‘em.” Dak joked, earning himself a punch from Berti that caused him to stumble. A spitfire undoubtedly, she may be little but she certainly packed a punch; her weapon of choice was a maul.

“Lucky for you,” she retorted, “Your head’s too big to be useful.”

Everyone roared in laughter at Dak’s expense, but he took it in stride and laughed along with the rest. The Iron Bull observed him. He was relatively new to the Chargers, but he was able to fit quite easily. The others liked him, Berti especially. She had a soft spot for him, no matter what she said. And she always had plenty to say.

Ideas with no real validity were being tossed out and none stuck. Maybe they would have to waste them. Three casks, what a shame.

As they argued and teased, a rumble was heard just passed the shore. 

“You hear that?” Berti asked looking toward the ocean.

“Sounds like a storm.” Stitches concluded with a wave of his hand.

Rocky shook his head, “That’s not thunder.”

Dalish agreed, “Something feels off.” She walked to the edge of the shore just out of reach of the waves and tried to determine what could cause such a feeling. The air felt thin and thick, somehow at the same time.

“Mage shit.” Dak mumbled with a smirk. Berti elbowed his side.

Then again, a loud rumble and a small pop. Now all Chargers on the beach began observing the air where this notice was coming from. 

“Back up!” Dalish jumped back just as a rift began to form over the water.

“Ah, shit.” The Iron Bull sighed reading his great-axe, “Demons.”

Everyone readied their weapons to fight when the green began to brighten, but not open, and waited. More rumbling came from the almost rift, but so did another sound. Muffled noises came from it. Almost as if there was something waiting on the other side of it.

“Is that supposed to happen?” Skinner asked in a low readied stance. Everyone shrugged in response.

“Haven’t seen one made before.” Dak spoke in an awed whisper.

They listened longer as more than just muffled sounds were emitted from it, roaring was heard coupled with yelling that sounded oddly like a person. This was definitely abnormal. The Iron Bull didn’t know how exactly tears in the veil appeared, but he knew this wasn’t it.

“This one’s weird.” The Iron Bull announced, “We should move out, won’t be able to close it without the Boss anyway.” They nodded. “Leave the casks.”

They sheathed their weapons and began to walk away from the rift and back to their camp where more Chargers were waiting. It would be better to head to Haven sooner rather than later. Bull’s Chargers weren’t a large mercenary company, but it would still take maybe two weeks to arrive on foot. They didn’t have nearly enough horses for every member, only four to pull along some carts with supplies.

A thunderous roar seized any further movement, except to gape at the bright green tear begin to open. Not long after, an ear-piercing scream echoed and the tear rippled as though it shuddered from the scream as well.

“Chief!” Krem called and readied his weapon, “Look!”

The tear exploded open when a figure fell out and plunged into the chilled waters below. Though no one focused much on it, as the rift had began to convulse and slammed itself shut with one more explosion, disappearing like it had never been there in the first place.

“What was that all about?” Dalish asked no one. “They don’t just shut by themselves.” Her eyebrows furrowed, searching for an explanation that she wouldn’t receive.

“Wha’ fell out?” Dak asked as he looked out at the water. Nothing was on the surface. “A Demon? Can they swim?”

“Why don’t you go find out.” Berti teased, but searched along with Dak anyway. “Oh! Right there!” She pointed at a floating black mass just peaking out of the water. “Go get it.”

“Why do I have to get it?” He argued, “You do know how to swim.”

Skinner rolled her eyes, “Useless,” she muttered.

Dalish scoffed, placed her not-a-staff on the rocks, and walked into the breath-stealing waters. She realized the object was further than she had thought but continued to swim towards it. When she grabbed it, she shrieked, “Oh!”

“You alright?!” Krem called out, “What is it?!”

Dalish didn’t respond as she inspected the object, that was connected to an unconscious woman. Wet hair covered her face but her lips, which were beginning to turn blue from the frigid water, and perhaps lack of air. She felt odd, but not physically, almost like…

“Dalish!” The Iron Bull yelled instantly grabbing her attention. She adjusted her hold on the woman and began to swim back to shore. 

Once Dalish was struggling to stand in the strong current she called for some assistance, “It’s a woman!”

Grim met her in the waves and helped drag the unconscious woman on to the rocky shore. He took the pack off of her before laying her on the rocky shore. Dalish landed on her bottom next to her and panted as she looked over the odd woman. 

Stitches asserted himself to the front and began to attend her. She was still unconscious and breathing, but shallow. He moved her on to her right side and stopped. Besides some heavy bruising that was beginning to appear on the left side over her torso, her left shoulder had a wound that could have only been made by the lightning whip of a Pride demon. 

“It seems that scream was when this happened.” Stitches commented. It seemed the initial connection was a bloody gash about the length of his palm and has pink veins branching off it. “Could have been worse.” The veins covered the back of the shoulder and reached beneath her clothing. Most likely, her entire left side had the veins as well as bruises. 

“Demon?” Dak asked curiously as he walked up. 

Dalish shook her head as she pulled her legs in and rested her arms on the tops of her knees, “I don’t think so. She’s weird.”

“Demons are weird.” Berti commented from just slightly behind Dak.

“This is different.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “She feels different.”

The Iron Bull regarded the woman as he stood a little ways near the odd shoes on her feet. Without the soaked dark blonde hair smothering her face, he could tell that she was younger, not much younger than Dak he would guess. Flecks of dirt and small pebbles stuck to her neck and arms from being dragged a shore.

He could see just above the edge of her top, at the base of her neck, the black lines of a tattoo that reached lower passed the bottom edge of her top before continuing into her breeches. It appeared that it traveled her spine but he had no idea what it was, nor meant.

Her clothing was weird. The breeches she wore were made of a material none of them had ever seen before. They looked gray but tinted with blue and had horizontal slice on each knee. They looked quite tight like they might be just a bit small but it didn’t seem to be the wrong size. 

Her top was also fitted to her body just short. The black fabric did look similar to some he might have seen before but the style wasn’t. It had a higher neck with no sleeves and stopped just above the top of her breeches that left a small sliver of her pale skin showing. On both wrists were multiple thin but fitted black bands with no clasps to remove them. Though a thin chain of a necklace around her neck did, in fact, have a clasp.

If he was honest with himself, the odd clothing hugged her figure pleasantly. She was short but not like a dwarf, she was slim with some curves, not too large like a dwarf would usually have. She was human, just a small one. Maybe a half elf, though her ear showed no hint of a point. Her skin looked soft, she didn’t need to fight nor farm, not much muscle. 

When Stitches began to clean out the gash in her shoulder, he also noted that her skin was smooth and showed no scaring from what he could see. She had lived fortunately. Though there was no indication where she was from. Could have been nobility. Could have been a ‘Vint Magister’s pet. If she had been a slave, she was treated favorably. That is, until she she was sent through a rift.

A grunt from Grim was heard before the pack she wore was handed to him. It was no surprise that it was made from bizarre fabric as well. What was a surprise was there was no obvious way to open it. There were no strings tying it closed, but what looked like metal stitching sealed it.

“How do you open it?” The Iron Bull asked. Grim grunted as he shrugged. Bull sighed as he looked over the pack. He could rip it open easily enough, but when the woman would wake, it would cause an air of distrust. No, he needed her to trust him enough to be able to calculate how much of a danger this seemingly harmless woman was. He handed the pack back to Grim, “Take it to the camp and put it in my tent. Tell the rest to pack to leave today, we’ll leave tomorrow.” Grim grunted in acknowledgment and began to do as ordered but Bull stopped him, “Take Rocky with you.” Rocky heard and nodded before following Grim.

“Sit her up.” Stitches told Dalish, “Make sure her chest is open, no constriction preventing air to fill her lungs.” She nodded and complied, holding the still unconscious woman. Stitches then began to sew the open wound shut.

A sharp wheeze came from the woman as well as a small flinch. A good sign that she will wake soon. Stitches knew this and, with not knowing how well she handled pain, quickened his ministrations. It will likely scar unless tended to by a reasonably skilled mage healer.

“She waking up.” Dalish warned. Stitches nodded and finished sewing the gash closed. The woman began to shift and breathe harder. A small gurgle was heard before she started coughing and lurched forward onto her hands and knees. The coughing sounded slightly wet, but as she continued the drier it got. Another good sign. 

Once her coughing stopped she lowered her head to rest on her right arm and breathed heavily. The stretch of her position displayed more of the tattoo along her spine. It was of symbols The Iron Bull hadn’t seen before. It could be writing, what language it was in, he was unfamiliar with. And that, was perplexing. Bull spoke, at the very least could read, just about every language across Thedas. This writing was not something he’s come across, what interesting secrets this woman must have.

“Are you alright?” Berti asked and stepped closer to the woman who now stopped moving at the sudden voice. She immediately turned her head to Berti and stared with wide eyes. She was scared. “What is your name?” Berti inquired.

The woman stared at Berti and no one else without speaking. She didn’t seem to notice anyone else as she did so. Bull could tell that she was assessing the dwarven woman. Her eyebrows furrowed as she did so. Her hair was half loose and the rest balled up, tied with something he couldn’t see clearly.

“I’m Berti.” Berti introduced herself and slowly stepped closer but cautious, ready if the woman were to attack. She noticed the woman assessing her too.

The woman swallowed and took a deep breath, “Jessa.” Her voice croaked out. It had to have been damaged before.

Berti smiled, “Hello.”

“D'you know where you are?” Dak asked abruptly. It had startled Jessa who had yet to notice anyone other than Berti, but he didn’t notice and awaited her answer.

She barely contained a snort and mumbled, “In a dream.” Her accent was out of place, almost dwarven, but not quite.

Dak cocked his head, “You think you’re dreamin’?”

She paused and thought for a moment before she shook her head, “It’s gotta be.”

The Iron Bull could tell she had thought she was dreaming, but was losing confidence on the matter. He looked to Stitches and motioned towards the freshly sewed up wound on her shoulder. Stitches nodded and pressed a fresh wrapping on to it.

Jessa sucked in air through clenched teeth and jerked away. 

“Shouldn’t have felt that in a dream, I’d expect.” Stitches commented still holding the wrappings. A few Chargers chuckled quietly.

She instantly turned to the rest of the Chargers who stood near, except Bull who was now completely behind her. He watched as her head moved Charger to Charger as she slowly crawled back. They watched in amusement as she continued backwards until her hand landed on The Iron Bull’s right boot.

She stiffened, turned her head, and looked up, and up, and up until she reached his face. He saw recognition in her eyes as she whispered, “Bull,” to herself.

“And how do you know that?” Bull asked curiously… interesting secrets indeed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

“And how do you know that?” Bull’s deep voice asked as he cocked his head.

I always knew that Bull was big, but seeing it, especially from the ground was something else entirely. He was giant, muscular, and radiated ‘don’t fuck with me’. Scars that littered his bare-chested torso made sure to say the same. Some were lighter and smaller, others were large and had to have been deep gashes to scar in such a way. 

I swallowed nervously and scarcely shook my head. My best bet would be to feign ignorance. This might have been a dream, but I was becoming less and less sure about it. Mainly based on the fact that the mind can’t conjure faces I’ve never seen before, and I know for a fact that I’ve never seen Berti, a dark haired dwarf, nor the other human’s face in my life. Also, the pain in my shoulder. But, I was still holding out hope.

But, on the off chance this wasn’t a dream, I needed to sort myself out. Which might have just blown up in my face because of my instinct to say ‘Bull’. 

“You know me.” He not asked, but stated. A fact. I shook my head again and crawled back as best I could from him. He let me. He could tell I was hurting. He knew I wouldn’t make it far if I were to run, and he was right. I’d managed to stifle my groans of pain so far, but I wasn’t sure I could much longer. “Lying might not be the best option.” He warned.

“I…” I swallowed again, “I don’t know you, but I have heard of you.” A half-truth, but a truth. The Iron Bull narrowed his eye minutely as he inspected my face, then gave a grunt and single nod. He was intense and scary, scarier than I would have thought. In the game, he was one of my favorite characters; he was Bull. But here, The Iron Bull; a Qunari spy, he was terrifying.

Another wave of pain flared from my shoulder that caused me to flinch. I watched to my left as Stitches placed wrappings against me and held out my arm. “Leave it there.” He ordered. “The cut on your shoulder is an odd placement for the wrappings but it’ll have to do.”

I nodded but didn’t need to as he had already started wrapping the cloth over my shoulder and under my armpit a couple times. Then moved to wrap around, across my chest to below my right arm, that I lifted with no prompt, and back over my left shoulder. He repeated that a couple more times before stuffing the edge snugly under the wrappings around my upper left arm.

“It’ll have to be changed twice a day for a few days, then once a day until you don’t need them anymore.” He told me. I nodded. “I put a poultice on the bandage to help keep it clean and healthy.”

I took note of the pink branches that peaked just out of the wrapping closer to my neck and gently grazed them. They were tender but didn’t sting too terribly.

“They reach down your left side, which is quite bruised.” Stitches noted after watching my gesture. I looked under my left arm and lifted the bottom over my cropped top slightly. He was right, I couldn’t see all of the bruising but what I did see was deepening in color. The back of my left forearm was turning as well. 

_That Pride Demon smacked the shit outta me._ “Like a fucking fly.” I whispered as I surveyed the bruised areas I could see. 

“What was that?” Stitches asked curiously. The Iron Bull continued to observe. _Ever the spy._

“Oh,” I blinked, “I, uh, I said ‘like a fly’.” I clarified. I didn’t expect anyone to have heard my whisper, though Stitches was directly next to me still. 

“You said, ‘like a _fucking_ fly’.” Dalish said with a smirk. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her. She was like seven feet from me and I whispered, there was no way she heard me properly if Stitches couldn’t. She tucked hair behind her right ear, both pointed and fully on display. It was a subtle gesture, but one I immediately understood; an elf has better hearing. 

_That must be useful._ I nodded, “Right.”

“You the fly?” The human I didn’t recognize asked. His accent was British, so he must’ve been from Fereldan. Dark brown hair, that could use a trim, was floppy on his head. He was young, maybe twenty. His skin was more tan than mine, but not by much. No scars were on his baby face, at least not yet. 

I confirmed, “Was swatted like one anyway.” I looked around and realized that I was still sat on the rocky beach. I placed my right hand to the ground and leaned on it to get my feet beneath me. A hand was placed softly on my waist and another on my right arm, helping to lift me off the ground. “Thanks.”

I was still wet and my jeans were uncomfortably heavy and stiff. My sneakers noisily squished out some water as my weight pressed into them. The air, that would otherwise be considered cool, was sending a sharp chill straight down my spine and a deep ache in my side. 

“Best to take it easy for now.” Stitches recommended. “We have some elfroot potions back in camp. Would help with some of the bruising and the worst of the cut. Your voice as well.”

I didn’t want to take any of the potions, I had no idea if they would need them. “Will I die without them?”

Stitches looked both amused and annoyed, “Not likely.”

“Then I don’t need them.” I shrugged. “They’re your potions, it seems you get into more fights than I do.” They were more important to this world than I was.

“That may be,” Berti pipped up, “but you are the only one here who looks like shit.” 

I chuckled that turned into a grimace as I held my left side. Berti took me as the no bullshit type. The type to state an obvious with no reservations. And she was funny. What was really funny was that I wasn’t that much taller than her. I was 5 foot 5 but If we were to hug, the top of her head would just touch my chin. 

“I don’t...” I began to protest. 

“He wouldn’t have offered if we didn’t have any to spare.” The deep voice of The Iron Bull interrupted me. His voice offered no arguments and was final. “Besides, your pack is there already, you could pay us back by showing how to open it.” He crossed his arms which bunched up his already large muscles. Again, his voice was final. 

“It’s not...” I trailed off. There was no lock on it or anything, only a zipper. It couldn’t be that difficult... “Alright.”

The Iron Bull nodded and ordered the Chargers along towards the forest not far from the beach. I strayed towards the back of the group, not because they were excluding me, but because I was slower which was made worse by the increasing ache in my side and muscles. The air’s chill seeped deep into my bones that involuntarily shook my body with shivers, only worsening my sore body. 

The rainfall only continued to keep my clothes wet and uncomfortable. My sneakers squelched with each step no matter how hard I tried otherwise. I could tell the others were growing more and more annoyed with them. Skinner even sent a couple glares my way that had me looking at her apologetically. They were annoying me along with them. If I were confident I could walk through this forest without them, I would. Even so, I might just say fuck it anyway. 

The trees did offer some protection from the chilled breeze and rain, but not much. I tried as best I could to hug my arms around myself to keep in as much body heat as I could. _Survived a Pride demon, only to be killed by hypothermia._ I shook my head and grimaced. 

What was a comfort, was if I didn’t look at the Chargers, I could pretend I was back home. And hiking, something I never did, but at least it looked like it could be home. Until I’d see a fucking nug scurry around. A cross between a pig and a mole that was sort of cute, I guess, in an ugly way. _The ball of light was cuter._

I knew The Iron Bull was going to interrogate me once we arrived at their camp. Of course he was. I was surprised he hadn’t already. Though, he might try to get me comfortable, off guard, not paranoid. _Jokes on him though. My anxiety is steadily rising along with my slowly increasing realization that this might be, in fact, not a dream._

There’s no way I could say that I’m from another world and accidentally fell into, through, and out of the fade without him trying to kill me as a demon. He doesn’t like demons. _Who does?_

If he didn’t kill me, he might send word back to Par Vollen and they’d do the job. They don’t like anything magic. And even though I didn’t know how I got here, there’s no way magic wasn’t involved. Despite there being absolutely no magic on Earth.

Which brought up another problem. There was no conceivable way for me to have traveled here. If this wasn’t a dream, and I was actually here, something or someone would have to have had brought me here. 

_Mister Dread Wolf himself?_ Solas didn’t seem the type, if he had I would have most likely arrived when Corypheus unlocked the orb. 

_Corypheus?_ I shuddered, both from the cold and the thought. 

_Mythal?_ That was a possibility, Flemeth seemed to be a crafty bitch. 

_The Maker? Andraste?_ Almost laughable. At least I knew the other three existed for a fact. The Maker is just how God is back home. Unknown. _Maybe Thedas got his wife and we got his son?_ Now, there was a thought. 

“Ah, here we are.” The Iron Bull sighed from behind me on my left, yanking me out of my thoughts. Had he been there the whole time? He was quiet, way too quiet for his giant-ness. 

There were more Chargers in the camp. Way more than I thought. In the game you only see the main six; Krem, Dalish, Skinner, Stitches, Rocky, and Grim. But, it made sense that there’d be more, six was no where near enough for a ‘company’. It would most likely be considered a rag-tag group of mercenaries. 

The camp was bustling with Chargers disbanding tents and packing up supplies and, what looked to be, rations on to large carts. They were getting ready to leave. I rubbed my forehead and slumped my shoulders in resignation. We were going to keep moving. I almost started to cry from exhaustion and pain when a loud burst of laughter came from The Iron Bull. 

“Ah, don’t worry,” He waved his large hand, “They’re going on ahead of us. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

I unconsciously released a sigh of relief and sat on a thick piece of stump, most likely used as seating. 

He chuckled lowly and crossed his arms over his broad chest, “Not used to traveling on foot, huh?”

 _Well I did arrive here from the fade._ I think he would have laughed but I wasn’t going to push my luck. “Not particularly.” _I drive everywhere._ “And not wet with almost my entire side bruised.” I rasped.

He grunted, satisfied with my answer. His laugh had been more reassuring. “You haven’t complained much.” He pointed out. 

“I appreciate the acknowledgment.” I snorted. “Surprised you didn’t hear my whimpers from how close you were walking near me.”

He smirked, “Oh, I heard ‘em. Just saying you didn’t complain is all.”

I smiled, a small smile but completely genuine. It surprised me how easy it was to speak with him, even knowing what he was at this point in time. He was good at what he does, but I had more at stake. I can’t let him know what I know, I had to stick with my half-truths. “What were you doing in the back? I thought a leader would, I don’t know, lead?”

“Krem takes the front, I stick to the back, make sure no one’s sneaking up on my men,” he winked at me, “or falling behind.”

I reddened and mumbled, “Sorry.” 

He waved off my apology, “Don’t worry about it, did better than I thought you would.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled and turned away to hide a blush but he noticed and chuckled. The Chargers had just about finished packing up the camp in exception of four beige canvas tents that surrounded a campfire and a cart with some supplies and rations. One tent, clearly larger than the rest, must have belonged the The Iron Bull. The area the camp was in was certainly well-placed. The thick leaves of the trees almost completely blocked the light rainfall and kept the area quite dry.

While surveying the camp my eyes spotted something large, a few large somethings actually. My eyes widened at the sheer size of them. I’ve seen horses before, even Clydesdales, but these horses were as if a Clydesdale had a case of gigantism and went to the gym. They were absolutely massive. I don’t think I’d be able to see over its back if I jumped as high as I could. 

_Fuck, look at that those things._

I glanced back to The Iron Bull, “Can you ride one of those?” He was a big guy, but those things were absolute units. In the game, he always looked a bit too much for the horses, but these, I bet he could ride these. 

He was amused. “Never seen an Asaarash before?” I shook my head and watched them. There were four total, one for each cart appropriately. They all had the same color scheme. Brown with whiteish gray patterns with a brown mane and tail. Three were being secured to the loaded carts for the Chargers who were leaving, to I assume Haven unless the Inquisition hasn’t been declared yet. 

_What if I’m here before?!_ I immediately locked that thought away and instead focused on the beasts not too far from me. “I’ve seen large horses before, but not as big as those.” I stated.

“They come from Rivain, and are raised and used by the Qun’s military.” He explained, though I barely listened.

“Can I pet one?” I suddenly asked looking back to The Iron Bull.

He raised his eyebrow and asked, “Really?”

I nodded rapidly.

“Most people tend to stay clear,” He offered, “don’t want to get stepped on.”

I looked at him and cocked my head confused, “What does that have to do with me?”

“You’re shorter than...” He began but stopped and shook his head. “Yeah, you can pet one.”

The excitement I felt easily smothered any of the cold that encompassed me. Though I wanted to jump up and run towards the horses, my sore side and muscles were not to be ignored. I carefully rose and slowly walked to the beautiful beasts. The one that caught my eye was the one who wasn’t secured to a cart, that one wasn’t leaving.

He? _He._ Just passed his knees was solid white on all four legs, and a large patch on his back was a whiteish gray that spread to either side of his hips. He looked similar to the others except for his muzzle. He was the only one whose muzzle was that white/gray and faded into chocolate brown. 

Just before I approached I glanced around for something to offer him. On a long, thick log was an apple that no one was eating. I looked back to The Iron Bull, who wasn’t far from me, and gestured towards the apple in a silent question.

He nodded and I grabbed the apple and finished my advance. “Hey there, Buddy.” I gently cooed. He wasn’t wearing any tack except for a black leather bridle and a lead that was tied around a trunk of a tree. His ears flickered towards my voice and turned his head towards me fully. His eyes were dark, almost black. “Well, aren’t you handsome.” I continued softly. Up close, I could understand why others would keep their distance. One wrong step from him and one could be seriously injured, me as well. But, to be honest, he was more cute than he was dangerous.

I held the apple up towards his face and waited, “Want a snack, buddy?”

It was but a moment before he lowered his head and accepted my bribe. “Who’s a good boy.” I cooed, “You are.” I smiled and slowly ran my hand softly down his cheek as he munched on his treat. After he finished he nudged my right shoulder for more.

“If I had more apples, I’d give them to you.” My voice was soft and calm as I continued to pet him. He huffed air in my face. “Yes, it’s a disappointment to me too.” I moved my hand to the top of his muzzle. He pressed against my palm as I rubbed. I leaned closer and whispered, “When I get another apple, it’s all yours.” He nickered in response and it was deeper than I thought it’d be.

Stitches stepped into my peripheral and held out a vial of a green liquid; elfroot. “Your potion.”

I walked away from the horse and over to Stitches. “Thank you.” I accepted the potion and looked at it. It wasn’t a large vial, but it was about the length of my palm, a bit thick and completely filled. “Is it going to taste bad?” I asked nervously.

Stitches chuckled, “Bitter.” I made a face just before he walked off.

I took out the stopper and smelled the liquid; it smelled like plants which wasn’t much of a surprise really. I took a deep breath and down the potion. My face scrunched up as I swallowed, it was thick like syrup and coated my throat all the way down. I stuck my tongue out in disgust before trying to swallow my spit repeatedly to wash away the thick, bitter liquid.

Although the taste and consistency was terrible, it had worked like Stitches said. My throat, albeit a little sore still, felt much better and not raw. The ache in my left side subsided a little as did my muscles, not as much a difference as my throat though. And the throbbing that came from the sewed up cut also lessened. I was still tired, cold, and sore, but I could stand it a bit better. 

I looked at the empty vial in my hand and looked around for somewhere to put it. Surely, Stitches would want it back to wash and reuse it.

A deep chuckle came from behind me before The Iron Bull grabbed the vial from my hand and placed it in his pocket.

“You saw my little dilemma, I assume.” I grumbled. He nodded and handed me my backpack. “Oh!” I smiled and accepted it from him. “Thank you!” Warm and dry pants here I come. I walked over to the log that had the apple on it and sat with my bag between my legs. The Iron Bull stood and watched me open the zipper. “It’s called a zipper.” I clarified.

“No magic?” He asked curiously.

I shook my head, “No magic. Just metal.” He hummed. I stuck my hand in and moved around some clothes, and other amenities to grab another pair of high-waisted jeans, they were a deep green. Just before I pulled them out my eye caught a flash of black metal.

_Oh fuck. The gun._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

_FUCK._ I did my best to not freeze at the sight and finished pulling out my jeans. Hopefully The Iron Bull wasn’t paying much attention after I told him about the zipper. 

_He saw me open it, he knows how to open it._ This gun is probably one of the most effective killing machines in this world. And it’s just sitting in my backpack. No lock, nothing to prevent anyone from opening it and taking it.

“What material are those?” The Iron Bull’s voice pulled my attention from the gun.

I looked at the jeans in my hand and the ones I was wearing, “They’re both denim.”

“What is denim?” He asked.

“Uh,” I furrowed my eyebrows, “A sturdy type of fabric, I don’t know much else about it.”

He hummed and nodded. I could tell he wanted to ask about what other contents I held in my bag but he didn’t ask further.

“Do you have somewhere I could,” I gestured to myself with my fresh jeans.

“Yeah,” he gestured to the largest tent, “You could use my tent.”

I swallowed and nodded. After swinging my bag over my right shoulder I walked into The Iron Bull’s tent. It felt larger than it seemed on the outside, partially because I am quite small compared to him. I easily could fit five of myself and still feel comfortable. There were two bedrolls, one obvious large and one normal sized one. It was probably Krem’s. He was his second after all.

I put my bag down and began to take off my shoes then wet jeans as best I could. It was difficult taking off jeans with one good arm when they weren’t wet, now I had a bad shoulder and soaked jeans. I huffed and pulled down hard. Once the waist was around my ankles, I repeatedly stepped and pulled out of them along with my socks.

Once bare of my wet jeans I noticed the different hues of purple bruising that cover my left side. It reached down to just above mid thigh. _Shit._ I hadn’t realized how large it was. It almost looked like I got hit by a car. I was surprised I didn’t have any broken bones. I didn’t know how high up my side it reached but it had to be at least to the bottom of my bra sat. I groaned, it was going to be a bitch.

I felt my underwear, they were wet too. With a roll of my eyes, I searched for another pair. Most of the underwear I owned were of the lacy variety, they made me feel good about myself, but now they just seem impractical. I grabbed at a pair of black lace boyshorts and shook my head. Pretty, and I loved them, but impractical. As I pulled them out I caught sight of the gun again.

 _What am I supposed to do with you?_ I sighed and covered it with every piece of clothing I could. It was now buried at the bottom of the backpack, but it couldn’t stay there forever. Telling anyone about it wasn’t on my ‘Good Ideas’ list. It would be best to wait until I could get to a forge and destroy it for good. Thedas didn’t need guns, they had enough to deal with.

Another item caught my eye and I almost squeaked with joy. _My phone!_ I have my phone, in Thedas. _I could listen to music!_ It would have to be secret though. If The Iron Bull saw it, he’d know that I’m from somewhere not in this world. 

I grabbed my phone and pressed the home button. The light filled the tent and the screen displayed the time and date… Two days later than I remember… _I was in the fade for **TWO FUCKING DAYS?!**_

“Oh my god…” I awed. I couldn’t even stop myself from speaking aloud. Two days in the fade… I’d been awake for over forty-eight hours… _How am I awake? Yeah, I passed out but it couldn’t have been for more than, what, twenty minutes. Talk about a power nap._

“Are you alright?” Dalish’s voice asked from outside the tent flap.

“Uh,” I scrambled to put my phone back into my backpack before Dalish saw something she didn’t need to see. “Yeah, I’m alright.” I called back.

“Did you need some assistance,” She offered, “you have a bad shoulder.”

I chuckled, “I think I can manage. Thank you for the offer.” She didn’t answer but I heard her footsteps as she walked away. I breathed out a sigh of relief, that was too close. I’ll have to be more careful.

After taking off my wet underwear, I realized that my shirt and bra weren’t the driest either. Unfortunately, my shoulder was wrapped and it went over my clothing. So changing my top was a no go. Luckily, a damp top wasn’t as annoying and uncomfortable as wet jeans.

I finished changing and hesitated to put my wet sneakers back on. “Ugh,” I groaned. The ground around camp didn’t look like it had anything that would imbed itself into my feet. And I could place my sneakers and wet clothes by the fire to dry them. Barefoot it was. I zipped the backpack closed and carried it over my right shoulder before leaving The Iron Bull’s tent with my wet clothing.

The campfire had be stoked and more wood had been placed. The camp was slowly emptying as the main bulk of the Chargers began to leave. Soon, it would just be the ten of us. Soon, The Iron Bull will begin to interrogate me. 

I laid out my jeans and underwear next to the campfire. I tried squeezing as much water out of my sneakers as I could before I did the same with them.

“Tired of the squelching?” The Iron Bull joked. I nodded and sat on a log closest to the fire.

I had stopped shivering in the time I had taken the potion, whether it was from that or something worse I don’t know. But, my best action would be to stay as close to the warmth as I could, just incase.

The rest of the Chargers, that were staying, were spread around the fire as well. Rocky grabbed a large hunk of raw meat of some animal and began to cook it over the fire. Everyone was talking and laughing about. I remained quiet. I knew The Iron Bull was watching me, waiting to begin his questioning, I could feel it.

Berti sat next to me on the log. “What is that?” She asked pointing at my underwear. Others around looked as well.

I reddened slightly, “They’re, uh, undergarments.”

Berti suppressed a giggle. As Dalish walked over to get a better look, “Are they?”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”

Dalish went to grab them but stopped and looked at me. I shrugged then she picked them up. “They’re pretty.” She complimented. 

Berti agreed, “Better than what's common around here.”

“Thanks.” I snorted. It was weird having people compliment your underwear. I glanced around at everyone else, they all had various smirks and were holding back laughter. After Dalish finished looking, she placed them back down to dry and sat back down near Stitches and Skinner.

“So,” The Iron Bull began, gaining everyones attention, “I think it’s time we should talk about a certain rift, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” I agreed.

The Iron Bull was sat on the log that was next to the one I was sitting on. He leaned his forearms on his knees and watched me intently. “You were in the fade.”

It wasn’t a question but I nodded, “Yes.”

“How did you get there?” He had officially begun his interrogation.

I sighed, “I have no idea.”

“None?” He pressed.

I shook my head. “Not that would make sense.” Half-truth. He grunted.

“How long were you in there?” He asked.

“Uh, time is weird in there.” I shook my head. I didn’t know how to explain that how I knew I was in there for two days. “What day is it?”

“The first day of Solace.” He supplied. I didn’t know what month that was nor the month before it. Hopefully he didn't ask about the months.

I rubbed face and eyes, “Two days.” I heard a few gasps of horror and astonishment. Dalish leaned closer.

“That’s a long time to be in the fade and not be a demon.” He subtly accused.

“It felt both longer and shorter than that. Time in there was weird.” I shook my head as I explained, “I’m not a demon, if I were, I don’t think demons would attack other demons.”

He hummed, “Speaking of, what happened with your shoulder?”

My hand subconsciously grazed along the wrappings. “A Pride demon was blocking me from reaching the rift.”

“That how you got injured?”

I nodded, “I didn’t notice it at first, I was focused on the rift. But as I ran towards it, the demon smacked the shit out of me. Sent me at least ten feet.”

“Swatted you like a fucking fly.” He joked. His joke caught me off guard and I choked back a burst of laughter. The others chuckled.

“Exactly.” I covered my smirk with my hand.

“How’d you get around it?” He cocked his head.

“I threw a bunch of rocks at it.” I answered. A few chuckles were heard. “When it got mad enough it charged me, I was faster so I dodged and ran for the rift when I felt a sharp pain that started at my shoulder.”

“We heard your scream.” The Iron Bull commented with a nod.

“Oh,” I looked down, “when it got me I fell, I was exhausted, my vision was going and I knew I was going to pass out. So I got up and heaved myself at the rift just before I lost consciousness.”

He remained quiet and studied me like he had been the entire time. “Where are you from?”

A tough question. If I were to lie and say a place in Thedas, he would certainly know that I was lying. But I can’t tell him that I was from a different world, that would be ridiculous. “Far away.” It was probably the most truthful evasion. 

The Iron Bull narrowed his eye, “Where?” He demanded. 

Could I say where and just not say the other world part? I’m sure he already knew that I wasn’t from around here, so to speak. I had different clothing and such. “A country called the United States of America.”

“Where is that?” He asked. 

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. Half-truth. He grunted. 

“How do you know of me if your country is unheard of?” 

_I knew that slip was going to bite me in the ass._ “I told you, I had heard of you, but I don’t know who first told.”

The questioning went on and on. If I wasn’t wrong, he knew when I was telling half-truths, he would grunt like he knew but accepted the answer none the less. By the time my interrogation was over, the light had begun to fade and Rocky had been passing out bits of the meat he’d been cooking.

The Iron Bull had been satisfied with my answers for the most part. It seemed answers I didn’t know annoyed him a little but he always kept his face neutral, almost alarmingly so. He was a very thorough interrogator, may even give Leliana a run for her money. Now that was someone I was also going to be afraid of. Leliana seemed sweet at points in the game but you could always tell just how dangerous she could be. I hoped the inquisitor would soften her during her quest. 

_Who even is the Herald? Are they one of mine? Not mine?_ I didn’t even know which I would've preferred. Most of my Heralds were good, I just couldn’t go through with an evil one. Though I had started an evil one that I never had finished because I couldn’t do it. A male Qunari warrior. I hoped that wasn’t the case here. 

A chunk of meat was held out to me by Berti. “Must be starving if you hadn’t eaten in over two days.”

I gave her a small smile and accepted the meat with a ‘thank you’. It hadn’t felt like two days but at the same time it did. I wasn’t as hungry as I would have been if it had been, but time in the fade was fucked because it definitely felt like I was in there for a while. 

The meat was tough and a bit salty but edible. I didn’t know what animal it was. Maybe a ram. Small rolls of stale bread were also passed around along with water, which I graciously accepted.

“Tomorrow we’ll be heading to Haven.” The Iron Bull stated. “You’ll be coming with us.”

“Am I a prisoner?” I asked quietly. I was glad that I was not going to be left behind but being a prisoner was not ideal. A prisoner meant that Leliana will be ‘questioning’ me when we get there. She probably would anyway. There is no way that The Iron Bull will not inform her that I fell from a rift. 

“Do you think you should be?” He raised an eyebrow. 

I shook my head, “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

The Iron Bull leaned back off his knees, “Then you’re not a prisoner.”

I narrowed my eyes slightly, “So I could just leave if I wanted?” _I don’t want to. I’d never make it._

“You won’t.” He shook his head, parts of his horns and eyepatch caught the fire light. 

“Humor me.”

“No,” He sighed, “you can’t leave.”

I scoffed, “So, a prisoner.”

The Iron Bull shrugged, “You’re not tied up.” Like that was what made a prisoner a prisoner.

I snorted, “A rose by any other name is still a rose.”

“Technicalities.” He waved his hand. “Besides, the Inquisition has someone who fell from a rift too. They would certainly be interested in you. Could help.”

“Doubt it.” I grumbled. 

He ignored me and continued, “You’ll be staying in Dalish and Berti’s tent while we travel.”

I nodded. As long as I wasn’t in his tent where he could go through my bag as I slept, I was good. “Gotcha.”

He quirked a brow. 

“I understand.” I clarified. He gave a curt nod. 

“I noticed you had a tattoo.” He mentioned. “On your spine.”

I nodded, “I have another one on my foot too.” I held out my left foot a pointed to the small black outline of a bird on the outside of my heel. 

“Oh! It’s a little bird.” Dalish announced to those who couldn’t see. 

The Iron Bull hummed, “I’m more interested in the one on your back.”

It was the words ‘strength and honor’ in a fancy-type writing. I couldn’t say that it was from the movie ‘Gladiator’. I would’ve thought he’d be able to read at least part of it... _Unless written English isn’t written Common..._

“Uh, it says ‘strength and honor’.” I informed him. 

“In what language?” He pressed. 

“My written language.” I answered.

“Your written language... What language do you speak?”

“English,” I stated, “It’s what Common is here.”

He hummed in thought. “Alright.”

 _That’s it?_ And it was. His line of questioning had stopped after that, everyone around the fire had picked up conversations and began to tease and joke as the light had disappeared from the sky and turned into night. The stars flickered in the surprisingly clear sky and the moon was bright. I knew that Thedas had two moons but they were never shown in the game. 

Satina was the other one. The ever elusive. I searched the sky for it. The first moon was large and close to full. _There!_ A little a ways to the right of the first moon, another moon peaked out from behind it, Satina. It was smaller and further away than the other but there it was. Two moons. _How beautiful._

If everything so far didn’t scream that I wasn’t in my world, two moons certainly did. A surge of panic filled me but I forced it away before I had a panic attack and tried to focus. Thedas, I was in Thedas. I was going to go to Haven. I was going to meet the inner circle... Haven was going to fall... People were going to die, not just characters in a game, but people. Living, breathing people. _I need to do something._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

Before sleeping last night, Stitches had changed my bandage and re-wrapped my shoulder. He said that it was looking as it should, whatever that was supposed to mean. Dalish and Berti helped me set an extra bedroll in between theirs. I had used my backpack as a pillow, not the most comfortable but at least I’d wake if someone were to try to open it. 

Sleeping in a bedroll was almost like sleeping in a sleeping bag. A reason why I hated camping. There was no cushion and it was essentially sleeping on the ground. When I was woken up, my back hurt and I was still tired, but not as tired as I had been. 

Dalish was the one who woke me up, Berti had already woken and packed up her bedroll. Dalish told me that Berti was the last watch. She also informed me that my hair had become a nest for birds. I laughed and accepted her help in fixing it. I showed her the hair ties on my wrist and how to use them. She liked them a lot and asked for one which I happily gave. I had plenty, my hair was a bit thick so I needed a few at a time and always had extras. 

She used her fingers to comb out the knots and tangles before braiding it. A French braid, though I assumed it would be called an Orlesian braid. She said that it helps keep it neat and look less dirty. I thanked her again. I showed her my toothbrush and toothpaste that I had packed. She looked very interested in the toothpaste. Thedas had something similar but not like that. She also told me they had a similar object to a toothbrush as well. I let her use some of the toothpaste and she was delighted after.

When we had finished brushing our teeth she helped me take off the wrappings and change the bandage. She told me it’ll scar. I didn’t mind so much. I was alive. I also introduced her to the wonders of deodorant. She was baffled at the container it came it, she told me she was tempted to keep twisting the bottom until it all came out. I told her that it would be difficult to put all the gel back in and she thankfully refrained from doing so. After, she helped me pull on a sweatshirt. I was not going to make that mistake again. It wasn’t cold but there was a chill, probably because of the rain. 

Then, we began to pack up the bedrolls. She showed me how to properly roll it. It didn’t seem too difficult but she made me unroll and re-roll it several times before she was satisfied. She told me everyone in the camps name, because I wasn’t supposed to know most of them. I found out the young human I didn’t know was named Dak and he was almost twenty-one. 

“Breakfast!” A voice called from outside the tent. 

“Dak must be done cooking then.” Dalish smiled and left the tent. I wasn’t far behind her but stopped once my still bare feet touched the cold ground outside the tent. The ground inside the tent had not been this cold. 

“Jesus.” I muttered and quickly tip-toed to the campfire. The sun had barely entered the sky informing me that it was early. Earlier than I would normally wake up. I was not an early riser, I liked my sleep. Though in situations like these, I couldn’t be difficult. I was grateful that The Iron Bull and his Chargers were tolerant, accepting even, of me. Even after falling from a rift in a world where demons are an actual thing to be worried about. 

Despite his nonchalance toward my free roaming, I could tell The Iron Bull didn’t truly trust me. He trusted that I was harmless but not much more than that. But as I thought about it, why would he need to trust me more than that? I wasn’t anyone to him, nor the Chargers. I was a glorified prisoner being taken to the Inquisitions headquarters, Haven. 

_What an ironic name._ How long would it be until they close the breach and Haven falls? Will it be mages or Templars? I always chose the mages, Templars always struck me as entitled. Sure some want to protect mages and all that, but it hadn’t been working. _People deserve rights._

I sat on a log and held my feet toward the fire to warm them. The air was crisp in the early morning and the others were either already around the fire or just leaving the tents. The one I now knew as Dak handed me some stale bread in a bowl of, what looked like, oatmeal. 

“Your nest has been tamed I see.” He teased as he gestured to my braid. 

I nodded and placed the bowl on my lap. “Dalish helped.”

“I would assume so,” Dak said, “Don’t think your arm could reach.”

He was right. Although my shoulder twinged occasionally as I moved, it was too painful to lift passed my chest. 

“It also seems that you’re warmer than yesterday.” Berti commented. “You’ve got some more weird clothing from your pack.”

I looked down at my plain gray hoodie, “It’s not weird.” Chuckles were heard from the others. “I’ve seen way weirder.”

“Weirder than tha’?” Dak snorted. “Your country must be interestin’.”

“You have no idea.” I chuckled quietly and ate my food. It didn’t taste bad, but it was terribly bland. Almost didn’t taste of anything. 

The Iron Bull wasn’t around but the large tent had been taken down, so he was up. I didn’t make it obvious as I looked around for him but didn’t see where he could be. Everyone was here, eating, except him. 

“Your shoes might still be a bit damp.” Dalish told me, gaining my attention.

“It’s better than soaking wet.” I shrugged. “Probably won’t squelch anymore.”

“They better not.” Skinner grumbled into her bowl. 

I felt the jeans that had been laying next to the fire all night. They were completely dry as were my underwear. I noticed a pile of empty bowls that had started to form near them. I placed my empty bowl on top and grabbed my clothing and shoes. The walk back to the tent wasn’t as bad as before, now that I had gotten used to the cold ground somewhat. 

After putting my clothing in my bag and putting on fresh socks before slipping into my sneakers. Dalish was right, they were still a bit damp, but only just. I rejoined the others and sat back down with my pack in front of me. I noticed immediately after that I had sat next to The Iron Bull. I subtly shifted further away. 

He noticed, I know he did, but didn’t comment on it. “Sleep well?” He asked. 

“Well enough.” I answered. 

“You looked for me.” He stated.

I furrowed my eyebrows. _How the fuck did you know that? You weren’t even here._ “It’s always good to know where your jailer is.”

He laughed, loud. Like a booming laugh. It was nice, even though it startled me. 

“Smart.” He complimented. “A good instinct.”

“Would have paid off if I had found you.” I replied. 

“You never would have.” He said offhandedly. 

“Sounds like a challenge, Chief!” Krem goaded. 

The Iron Bull chuckled, “Wouldn’t be much of one.” The others snickered along.

I scrunched my face up. _Cocky bastard._ “For me.” I mumbled and crossed my arms. 

The Iron Bull leaned away to look at me fully. “You could never.”

I knew I couldn’t, but he was being so cocky about it. “Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?” I taunted. Now, I could be observant if warranted, but I highly doubted my observational skills could even be considered to be within the same league as The Iron Bull’s. He was a spy for fuck’s sake. 

The Chargers ‘ooh’d’ at my taunt and The Iron Bull smirked. And suddenly my faux confidence had started to melt away. I needed to realize that I didn’t actually know this version of The Iron Bull. He wasn’t the Bull I had known in the game. He could and would kill me if the need arose. 

“Those are serious words there, Little Bird.” He teased.

But for some reason the nickname he gave me, ignited my confidence all over again that maybe he was the same Bull. I just hadn’t met him as the Herald so I’d have to earn his trust. And I was sure that Bull enjoyed some friendly competition.

“Yes, they are.” I agreed with a smile. I wasn’t sure what I could bet. I had no money, nothing useful to him, except for the gun and phone he didn’t know about. 

“A bet then?” Dak piped up. “Wagers?”

The Chargers began handing coins to Dak, obviously in favor of Bull winning. 

Bull chuckled, “Last chance...”

I thought for a moment before shaking my head, “What do I get when I win?”

“ _IF_ you win,” He corrected, “I won’t tell the Inquisition about you.”

The smile slipped from my face and I furrowed my eyebrows. The others hadn’t paid attention as they were too busy placing bets. He wouldn’t tell them? “You won’t?”

He shook his head, “You could if you wanted, but I wouldn’t be one to do so.”

I was shocked. _That’s not very spy-like._ “Alright, what do you want if you win?”

He pretended to think, “I want to ask you five questions.”

 _Huh?_ “Didn’t you ask me enough last night?” I asked confused. Five questions?

“I want you to answer those five questions truthfully.” He explained. 

“I haven’t lied...” I began. 

“The full truth.” He clarified. “No half-truths. No evasions.” He didn’t look like he was angry with his knowledge of my half-truths. He didn’t judge me for them. 

I swallowed and thought. Five questions isn’t a lot. But five of the right questions could seriously endanger my life. I knew that Bull was ultimately a good guy. But I also knew that at this point in time he was still following the Qun. I was enough of an anomaly that the Qun may be interested. But I was also no threat to them. 

Bull waited patiently as I seriously thought it over. Still, he held no judgement in his eyes. He knew I had not not been fully truthful, yet he wasn’t angry with me, nor pushed, for it. And yet again, an odd glimpse of the Bull I was familiar with gave me the confidence I should not feel. 

“It’s a bet.” I held out my right hand. He reached with his and easily encased my forearm and shook. My hand didn’t even come close to being able to wrap around his.

“You only have the mornings before we leave to look, no help from my Chargers, and you have until the day before we arrive at Haven.” He stated his rules. 

“No going too far, I only know how to throw one good punch if something were to happen.” I stated my rule. He agreed, the bet was declared, and he released my arm. 

I was kind of excited for the next morning. It might be possible that this might cause me to be a morning person, at least for now. 

After the bet was made and everyone had finished their breakfast, Grim had been the one to take the dirty bowls to the creek nearby to rinse them while everyone else broke down camp and packed the cart. I had helped as best I could, but I mainly stood by the giant horse, who I learned was named Vitriol. It was a cool name, but I still called him ‘Buddy’.

He liked me as far as I could tell. He hadn’t tried to stomp me, nor tried to get away from me. In fact, he would nudge me in search of treats and scratches. His head alone was probably bigger than my entire torso. 

When the cart was packed, Vitriol was tacked and secured to the cart. Everyone made a trip to the bushes, I peed against a tree, and then we began our seemingly never ending walk. 

It sucked. We had walked maybe an hour or two before my legs started to burn. I didn’t understand how people could hike for hours and hours and enjoy it. It was the worst activity I had ever been apart of. And yet, the whole time, the Chargers joked and told stories. 

Three hours after that, I had been slowing considerably. And Bull, true to his word, slowed to make sure I didn’t fall behind. It was mildly embarrassing and I was thankful he didn’t comment on it. 

Another hour or two later, when the sun was at its highest in the sky, Krem called for a halt to rest and eat a snack. I had just about collapsed to my knees at the wonderful words. Water and rations of stale bread was passed around. The joking and stories never stopped. I had not expected Bull’s Chargers to be so peppy. I almost wanted to start referring to them as Bull’s cheerleaders.

When it was time to continue on, Bull stopped me. He grabbed me by my waist, careful not to place too much pressure on my left side, and lifted me with ease. I squeaked as he placed me on the back of the cart. He didn’t say a word, nor did anyone else including myself, and we continued on. 

Once I didn’t have to struggle along, my mood had perked up significantly. I laughed and joked along with the others, Bull joined in occasionally.

“Say, Little Bird,” Dak began, “how old are you?” 

I raised an eyebrow, “When did Little Bird become my name?” My gaze shifted to Bull who shrugged. 

“You’re little and you have a bird on your heel.” He answered. 

“How creative.” I joked with a roll of my eyes and he chuckled. If I was being honest, I actually really enjoyed the nickname. It made me feel apart of the group. 

Dak cleared his throat and awaited his answer. 

“You should calm down, Dak,” Berti teased, “or else everyone’ll know that you just don’t want to be the youngest.”

I snorted, “How old do you think I am?”

Dak thought for a moment and looked me over. “I think you’ve jus’ entered your nineteenth year.”

I raised my eyebrows and shook my head. “You’re still the youngest, Dak.”

He furrowed his eyebrows as the rest teased him. 

“So how old are you then?” Dalish asked. 

“I’m twenty-three, but it’s nice to know I look younger.” I laughed. Nineteen, I looked around nineteen years old. It’s most likely because I didn’t live like the people in Thedas did. Lives were hard here, stressful, dangerous. I had been extremely fortunate. 

The rest of the time traveling was spent by the Chargers telling me stories of past jobs. Some I had known others I hadn’t. They were definitely the Chargers I knew from the game even though there were more of them. 

By the time Krem called for a final halt the sun had begun to set. A suitable spot was found and camp was set up. The weather had been more forgiving than yesterday. It hadn’t rained but dark clouds loomed here and there. I doubted that the night sky would be fully clear.

While dinner was cooked and passed around, I plotted and strategized on how I’ll be able to catch Bull. He obviously woke up early to make sure the area surrounding the camp was safe from threats that those on watch could have missed. Dalish had woken me just after the sun had begun to rise. _He’s up before the sun rises._

How far his radius from the camp is yet to be determined. I’d probably get more of an idea in the next few days, but I can’t imagine it’d be out of shouting distance. _He needs to be within range to hear if something were to happen at camp._

On top of that, he was quiet. More so than someone his size should be. But, he was large. He’d need to be obscured by shadows, bushes, and thick trees. Unfortunately, the forest had plenty to spare. _A glorified game a hide-and-seek._

And he certainly wasn’t going to make it easy. He knew I had secrets that I’d kept and, as a spy, it was his job to uncover them. I didn’t think it would be so bad if Bull were to find out, not The Iron Bull, but Bull. The Bull that would never sacrifice the Chargers for an alliance with the Qun. But as of yet, no matter how much I liked Bull and how much he acted like the Bull I knew, I was not certain of his allegiances.

No, this might’ve been a game of hide-and-seek, but it certainly had high-stakes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  Also a small trigger warning for a panic attack and hyperventilation.

The next few days had been informative, yet useless in determining how close I’ve come to finding Bull in the mornings. He was an early riser, but that wasn’t hard to figure out. The others seemed to thoroughly enjoy my fruitless return to the campfire each time. They teased and made jokes, all in good fun… for them.

I was told it’d take about eleven or twelve days to reach Haven. We’d been traveling for four already. I had about a week left. About a week before I lost any say in how I want to go about my arrival at Haven. A nobody, or a prisoner.

There wasn’t much doubt I’d be thrown into the cells when revealed I’d come from a rift. Just like how the Herald had in the beginning. A suspect, until proved useful. How ever I arrived, I’d need to prove myself useful. That would mean, in my case, knowledge. I know what is supposed to happen. What decisions were good, which were bad, or more accurately what I thought was good, as well as what I thought was bad. But, I couldn’t tell them which decisions to make, they would need to decide for themselves.

I couldn’t just do nothing, I’d have to help. If the Inquisition didn’t know about the fall of Haven a lot of people could die. But, if they were to flee after they closed the breach, and Corypheus attacked then, they’d have no defense at all. If I were to inform them about Skyhold and they were to relocate, would Corypheus attack Skyhold in Haven’s stead? How much would change if that were the case? Maybe the Herald wouldn’t survive that encounter then.

Too many unknowns were at play. Haven would have to fall, it had to. It would mark when the Herald had become the Inquisitor. The Herald would have to sacrifice themself and bury Haven so the others could flee. They will survive and the dawn will come. 

But, maybe I could make it easier… I could warn them about what had to happen and why. Maybe they’d understand, help. Or I could do it subtly, but it would be more difficult, no one listens to a nobody. Perhaps, I could advise.

I’ll have to…

“If I didn’t know any better,” Rocky’s voice startled me out of my thoughts, “I’d say you were trying to make that campfire explode.”

I looked up from the fire I had, indeed, been staring at. The others chuckled but continued on with their conversations.

“Only you know how to make explosions, Rocky.” I responded. Rocky chuckled and patted my right shoulder. 

“The Chief’s good at what he does.” He said, “Don’t be discouraged if you can’t find him.”

_Because that’s all that’s at stake._ I gave Rocky a curt nod and went back to eating my dinner. I don’t blame the others for not knowing the consequences I would receive if I were to lose, when I lose. Because I was going to lose.

My silence at the campfire was noticed by everyone, though they most likely thought I was strategizing my approach for the next day. And while I was, it wasn’t the main thought process on my mind. 

Leliana also took up a sizable portion. Most involved how she will torture me to figure out who I was and what I knew. Because if Bull knows I haven’t been entirely truthful, she will most definitely know. And she didn’t take me as the type to just accept half-truths.

When I am delivered to the Inquisition, Leilana will need to know the full truth. Part of me was okay with that. Out of everyone, the spymaster would undoubtably know the importance of silence and strategy. She would know what the best course of action I would need to take. 

But, even then, she still can’t know every single thing. If I were to tell the entire story it would surely change certain decisions and strategies. With those changes, I won’t know anything that would come. With those changes, what if the outcomes were worse and devastating. What if my being here already changed things? 

I mean it obviously already had, I was here for fuck’s sake. But what changes had I caused? Would they be large, small, minuscule, enormous? What if my being here, seals someone else’s death? _…What if I have to kill someone…_

The continued thoughts spiked my anxiety and I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I quickly glanced around for a reason to leave and saw the pile of empty wooden bowls. I stood and grabbed the bowls before practically sprinting in the direction of a creek we’d been vaguely following.

If someone called my name I didn’t hear it. All I heard was my heart beating in my ears. My hands rattled the bowls I carried and my breathing disrupted the air around me. The late sun was disappearing, and I needed to pay attention to where I was going but I couldn’t even breathe let alone watch where I was walking.

The air I gasped into my lungs was not enough to breathe. On every inhale, more would exhale.   
The greens and browns of the forest blended together as I stumbled along. 

_Breathe stupid._ I couldn’t seem to keep the air I sucked in. I stopped walking and leaned against a tree before sliding to my knees. The bowls clattered to the ground as I tried to regain control of my breathing. 

_Breathing isn’t hard._ I placed my right hand onto the ground, the left to my chest, and tried to breathe again. I closed my eyes. _In. Hold it. Out._ I followed. _In. Hold it. Out… In. Hold it. Out…_

“In.” I breathed in and held it. “Out.” I repeated myself several times before I began to calm down. My heart rate slowed and the sounds of the forest replaced the deafening beating.

“Don’t think about it until you need to.” I whispered to myself. Panicking about the future would do no good for me right now. I needed to calm down and focus on what was happening currently. And currently, I needed to wash the wooden bowls and get back to the camp before someone comes to see why I was taking so long.

The creek hadn’t been far from where I had stopped. Just before cleaning the bowls, I splashed the cold water in my face to help rid any tears and redness that had accumulated.

By the time I had finished with the bowls, any light had disappeared almost entirely. The forest was dark and I could not see nor hear any sounds from camp. _Way to go._ I listened as best I could for any talking or sounds of laughter from any direction. I had no idea how turned around I had gotten during my panic attack. Every tree and bush looked the same as I walked in search of familiar sights and sounds.

“Fuck.” I cursed to myself, “Stupid.” I contemplated yelling for someone, but I didn’t know how far I had gone nor if the Chargers had patrolled this far. If I were to yell, who would else would hear?

I closed my eyes and sighed in deep disappointment at myself. _Damn, I really went and got lost._

As I paid attention to the sounds around me, I noticed they got quiet. No chirps of the insects, no nocturnal birds, no small animals scurrying, just silence. I strained my hearing for something, anything, and came up with nothing. Something was around. In wildlife documentaries, they say when the sounds of the nature go quiet there is a predator stalking its prey. And in this case, I was the prey.

I wracked my brain for any large predators that would be in this area, bears, giant spiders, people, giants maybe. We weren’t on the Storm Coast anymore so probably no deepstalkers. I’d lose against whatever it was.

I waited for something to happen, a twig to break, leaves to rustle, but it never did. I knew I was being watched, I could feel it. The tingle on the back of my neck informed me that eyes were on me. I began to walk again, careful to make as little noise as I could. I wanted to hear if someone was following.

If something were to attack, would I be loud enough for the others to hear or had I strayed too far?

And in the deafening silence, the smallest twig snapped and I ran. I ran as fast as I could in the direction I thought I’d most likely came from. _Please be the right way._

Through the pounding of my feet, I heard louder trampling behind me. _Go faster._

The muscles of my thighs burned as I pushed myself faster. All but two of the bowls had been dropped. The only two that remained were held in each hand with a vice grip, like I desperately needed to hold on to something. And, if nothing else, they could be used as my only weapons. I suddenly wished I had the gun with me.

Through the darkness of the forest, I saw a firelight up ahead and I almost screamed with triumph. What ever was chasing me wouldn’t do so for much longer. The sight of the campfire fueled my last burst of speed as I broke through the brush and into our camp.

“There’sSomethingChasingMe!” I yelled, startling the Chargers into action from around the campfire. They all immediately stood and readied their weapons as I fell to my knees just beyond them exhausted.

But nothing followed that, except the sound of my panting. In fact they started chuckling, and that turned into laughing. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at what they were laughing so hard about as I rolled onto my back and tried to catch my breath.

Eventually, I brought myself to lift my head to see. And almost immediately filled with rage. There, at the edge of camp, was Bull smirking with his arms crossed as he leaned against a tree. I let my head thud back on the ground as I stared up at the stars. _That fucking asshole._

“Turns out the Little Bird can fly.” Krem commented with a chuckle.

“D’you see how fast she flew into camp!” Dak howled in laughter and joined by the others.

“Like her breeches were on fire!” Skinner teased.

After a minute or so, I calmly got up and placed the two bowls by the fire. “You can retrieve the others yourselves.” I instructed before walking to my tent.

“Aw, c’mon, Little Bird.” Dak goaded, “It’s jus’ some fun!”

“I’m glad you all had your fun.” I stated and entered my tent.

I went to sleep early that night. I didn’t want to be around any of them at that moment. Bull made me think that I was going to die and how fun that was. How fun it was being chased through a dark fucking forest. How fun that I thought I might be attacked and killed. _How fucking fun._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  Minor TW for threats and attempted sexual assault

I ignored them all the next couple days. My anger had turned to hurt. Part of me thought that maybe I was taking it a little too personally. Joking and teasing was who they were and how they had fun with all the traveling. A part of me knew that but the other part, the part of me that feared for my life, didn’t care. They knew that I didn’t live my life like they did, even not knowing that I was somehow from another world, it was obvious I didn’t have a lifestyle like theirs. They would’ve had to know that I wouldn’t take to being chased through a dark forest by something as merely a joke. If they didn’t before, they certainly did now.

After going to bed that night, Dalish came in not long after. She tried to coax me into talking with her, but I ignored her and pretended I was already asleep. I could tell she was apologetic but it did nothing to soothe the anger I had felt. 

She gave up after a while and went back out to the campfire and I fell asleep not long after. 

The next morning, I spoke to no one and didn’t try to search for The Iron Bull. Instead, I had grabbed a stale roll and an apple before walking over to Vitriol. The apple was for him and the roll for me. He enjoyed my company as I spoke only to him in hushed whispers.

I told Vitriol about the cruel prank that was played upon me and how angry I was. I spoke of how I didn’t want to be around them for a while. That I needed time to figure out how to forgive them. He nickered as I continued to speak at him until it was time to leave. 

As we traveled that day I spent all of my time next to, or on the edge of the cart pulled by, Vitriol. I had been getting better at being able to keep up with the Chargers and their pace, though I still had to ride in the cart once I became too tired. Some of the others tried to get me to talk, laugh even, but I would just ignore them and look out into the trees or straight behind us as my legs dangled off the back of the cart. 

The Iron Bull hadn’t tried to speak to me, but I didn’t care. Most of my anger was directly at him. And I knew he knew too. Whether he expressed it or not, I didn’t know. But he wouldn't be much of a spy if he couldn’t tell when a person was angry with him.

I didn’t even care that I’d wasted that morning not tying to find him. At that point in time I had wanted to be handed over to the Inquisition. 

What he did was cruel. He, of all of them, should be able to see that I did not live in a place like this. That I wouldn’t normally fear for my life. I didn’t even know what kind of prank that was. Pranks were supposed to confuse the person, tease them a little, cause a little hassle, not terrify them. 

The day had went by slowly despite my constant bitching in my head. Camp was set up quickly and I brushed down Vitriol after his saddle was removed. By then, no one tried speaking to me, they knew I’d ignore them. During traveling my anger had simmered down into an indifference toward them, except The Iron Bull. I was still fully angry with him. 

When I had finished brushing Vitriol, Stitches had approached with a fresh bandage for my shoulder. I didn’t speak to him but I did remove my sweatshirt so he could change the bandage that I hadn’t that morning. 

My shoulder had gotten better, I barely hurt when I moved normally, and only slightly twinged when I raised my arms. He told me after changing it, that I wouldn't have to wrap it after the next day. The potion I’d taken the first day had helped speed up healing. I didn’t respond except for a nod.

I ate dinner that night alone near Vitriol. He’d been the only one I liked at the moment. I spoke some more at him before I went to bed early again. I could feel the eyes on my as I walked passed the campfire, but no one said anything. 

Falling asleep was difficult. I heard everyone outside the tent telling stories and joking. It sounded like they were having fun and it almost made me want to suck it up and join them, but then memories of the night before smothered those thoughts. 

I don’t know how long I wanted to ignore them. I knew I couldn’t until we arrived to Haven, we’d only been traveling for five days. I knew I’d be able to forgive the Chargers easier and faster than I would The Iron Bull. He didn’t strike me as the type to apologize though. I didn’t think he even thought what he did was cruel, to me at least. Maybe it was different if it were one of his Chargers. They’d recognize it as a ‘prank’ and wouldn’t need the apology.

Did I need the apology? _It doesn’t matter._

I woke up the next day and continued with my indifference toward the Chargers. I ate my breakfast with Vitriol and traveled with him. Dak had tried joking with me but when I gave him no reaction he stopped. 

I knew I was just being petty at this point. The Chargers didn’t deserve my ire but I was hurt. I was hurt that they thought my genuine fear was just a funny prank. I had thought that the days we’d spent traveling together they had actually started to like me. I know I wasn’t one of them but I had at least thought we were starting to become friends somewhat. 

But maybe I was being naïve. They were friendly enough because they had to be. Because I was to be delivered to the ones who hired them. 

That evening I ate alone again. I wanted to forgive the Chargers at least. But at this point I didn’t know how. I didn’t think I could just sit and join them with no explanation. I wasn’t good with expressing how I felt and things like that. I usually kept that stuff bottled up. 

When I had finished eating, Grim had walked over and took my bowl. He left with no acknowledgment from me nor from him. I looked over to Vitriol who nickered. Forgiveness was difficult but I was petty. I knew the Chargers hadn’t really meant any harm by their teasing.

The Iron Bull was the one who should’ve known better. 

I went to bed early again. I wanted to think about how to let the Chargers know that I forgave them and why I felt how I did. They deserved that much. 

The next morning I woke earlier than I normally had. The light of the sun hadn’t yet broke the darkness. Dalish and Berti were still sleeping. I rolled up my bedroll and quietly exited the tent. 

The campfire was low but still lit. Krem was awake and sitting on one of the logs surrounding the low fire. It was quite easy to find logs that were useable as seating. The Iron Bull usually dragged the logs into camp once a suitable location was secured.

Krem noticed me as I exited. He didn’t say anything but nodded his head in greeting. I looked around for anyone else but Krem was the only one. He had the last watch and I was the first awake. 

“You’re awake early.” He remarked and held out my usual breakfast; bread and an apple. I took the food and went over to feed the apple to Vitriol before sitting on the other end of the log Krem was on. He glanced over to his left in surprise but didn’t say anything. And we sat for a while in silence before I spoke. 

“I may have been a bit dramatic.” I mumbled as I picked at the bread roll. 

He looked me over before he shook his head. “No, we shouldn’t have teased you like we did. You were scared and we poked fun.”

“It’s not your fault.” I sighed. “I would imagine it looked quite funny.”

Krem snorted, “That’s not the point.”

“It’s not like you were the ones to chase me.” I reasoned. “All you did was laugh at something that looked funny. I wouldn’t expect you to change who you are.”

“I still want to apologize.” He offered.

“I forgive you.” I smiled. “I forgave the rest of you, but I didn’t know how to go about it. I know I’ve been cold.”

Krem chuckled. “It’s alright. You were upset.”

“Like a child.” I joked. “A brat really.”

Krem and I joked about for a while longer until another had emerged from one of the tents. I looked and spotted The Iron Bull surveying Krem and I. He locked eyes with me before I looked down into the fire. I heard his footsteps approach to receive some food from Krem before receding to the tree line. 

Krem noticed my behavior. “Seems like you didn’t forgive all of us.”

I swallowed and shook my head. “He should have known better.”

“You got about four days left. Gonna give up on trying to win the bet then?” He asked. 

“Part of me wants to.” I confessed. “I don’t know how to just ignore the fear I felt.”

“You seem to do well with ignoring if I can recall.” He joked. I rolled my eyes and shoved his shoulder. 

“I’m serious.” I chuckled. “It’s like he didn’t think about what he was doing or how I’d react. From what I know, I know he’s smarter than that.”

“The Chief is smart,” Krem explained, “for as long as I’ve known the bastard, he doesn’t do anything without reason.”

“And what was the reason he had for scaring me half to death?”

Krem shrugged, “You’d have to ask the Chief.”

I groaned. “Of course.”

As the light of day broke through the dark more started to wake and appear from their tents for breakfast. Just about all of them were surprised to see that I was around the fire and was talking. All except Skinner, who appeared indifferent. Which for Skinner was about as good as I’d probably get.

Stitches offered to take my wrappings off for the final time. He said I was healing nicely and that it shouldn’t be bother me for much longer. I was finally able to wear a normal t-shirt, not one of my crop-tops. I thanked him though he brushed it off.

“We didn’t mean anything by it.” Dalish repeated for the third time as we walked next to the cart. 

“I know Dalish.” I reassured her. “I already said I forgave you.”

She nodded and dropped it after that. For the whole morning Dalish seemed to want me to know that the ‘prank’ wasn’t to be cruel. I continuously said that I understood and that I no longer was angry with her nor the rest of the Chargers.

Krem helped as well to explain to the rest that I hadn’t taken it as a prank, and they apologized as well. After that, the Chargers went back to their usual selves and entertained as we traveled. The Iron Bull remained at the back of the group as he normally had. 

Around mid-day Krem called for a halt but it seemed off. The air carried a whisper of unease and everyone felt it. I was huddled between Dalish and Dak as everyone subtly readied their weapons. 

Barely a breath later a shout was heard and fighting began. Men had charged out from the trees and behind bushes. It was an ambush. I dropped to my knees and crawled beneath the cart for cover. The sounds of metal clashing and cries of pain echoed through the air. I placed my hands over my ears to block out the sounds. Every time swords collided, it felt like my own teeth rattled. The thin hairs on my skin tingled and itched every time Dalish swung her ‘bow’.

And for the second time, I was afraid for my life. I knew the Chargers were great at what they did. But there were more of the bandits than there were Chargers. 

I heard a thunderous shout before The Iron Bull swung his great-axe once and sliced through three of the men. Almost cutting them clean in half. Their cries of agony will be forever burned into my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and tears fell as I did so.

This might have been the first time it really sunk in that I was actually in Thedas. It was not a dream. My mind would **not** have conjured up such gruesome sounds and images. I could smell the blood in the air maybe even taste it. 

Despite my hands covering my ears I could still hear just about everything. The metal on metal, the screams, the battlecries, everything. My body shook in fear as I shifted further beneath the cart. I’d seen battles in shows and movies before, but nothing could compare to actually experiencing it. _This is fucked up._

And suddenly I was dragged from my hiding spot by my backpack. My screams were drowned out by the battle that raged around. I clawed at the dirt and kicked my legs in some vain attempt to remain were I was. But, whoever had grabbed me was certainly stronger than I was.

I was pulled out from beneath the cart by a man who held a dagger towards me as he ripped the bag from my shoulders. He kicked me to my back and held me down with his foot when I tried to grab the bag back. His dark hair was greasy and tied back messily with a leather strap. A short beard covered most of his dirty face though a diagonal scar crossed his right cheek to the corner of his mouth.

“If you know wha’s good for ya’ you’ll stay down.” He sneered at me as he tried to open it. I could tell he grew more and more agitated that he couldn’t figure out a zipper. He scowled down at me and spat, “You’re a fuckin’ mage!”

I rapidly shook my head, “No! I’m n…”

He threw my bag down and prepared his dagger. My body shot into survival mode and I scrambled from beneath his foot. I grabbed my bag and ran for the trees. _What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?_ I was faster than he was, I knew that much. Though, he wasn’t far behind as I darted through trees. I tried to go in a large circle so I could lead him back to the Chargers.

My constant dodging around trees slowed his pace as he tried to keep up. And soon I didn’t hear his loud footsteps following me. I glanced behind me and noticed he wasn’t there anymore. A sigh of relief blended into my huffing as I ducked around a particularly large tree and stopped. I hugged my backpack to my chest and evened out my breathing. 

As I went to put my bag back on, twigs breaking paused my movements. He was still there. From where the noise came from, he was in the way of where the others were, I could still faintly hear the sounds of fighting.

“You are a fast one.” His Fereldan scent was thick. “Though I’d wager, not much of a fighter.” He chuckled darkly. He moved around slowly, waiting for any movement. I bit my lip and quieted my breathing. 

“Might not be a mage,” he continued, “‘less they kept you subdued wit’ magebane.” He was getting closer, I heard the loud snaps of twigs nearing. I looked down at my bag. 

“If tha’s the situation, we could ‘ave a bit of fun.” He threatened and laughed, “Might let ya’ live.” I took a silent deep breath and opened my backpack. 

The zipper was loud and seemed to only amplify in my situation. _Fucker._ I waited for any sign that he was headed in my direction but it had been thankfully silent. I stuck my hand in the bag and was thrown from the tree.

“There you are!” The man laughed and I crawled to the bag that had landed several feet from me, still open. When my hand grazed the opening I was flipped onto my back. “Where d’ya think you’re goin’?” He sneered. He straddled my hips and held me down. 

“Get off me!” I screamed in his face and struggled which only made him laugh. His breath was horrible and made me want to vomit. I spat in his face. He slapped me hard enough to daze me. He released my arms and used his dagger to slice open my sweatshirt. My left hand landed next to my backpack, grazing the opening.

“Quite a sight.” He cackled and sliced off the t-shirt I had worn and smirked at my bra. Lace undergarments were one of the worst decisions. “How lovely.” His hand grasped at my breast and he leaned close to my face. “I’m goin’ to enjoy you.”

**BANG!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  Minor TW for a little bit of gore

My breathing was shallow as the man’s weight laid on top of me. The ringing in my ears silenced the rest of the world. Warm liquid trickled down my neck and top of my chest as I laid there. I stared straight up at nothing. _I just killed someone._

He was dead, and I had killed him. My arm was trapped between us as I still held the gun against the bottom of his jaw. The heat of the barrel became too much to bear before I struggled my way from beneath him. The gun was still clutched in my hand as I stared at it. My hands shook as I switched the safety back ON before placing it on the ground.

I curled myself around my knees and stared between the gun and the dead body. The back of his head was completely blown out. His brains splattered the dirt and leaves around him. The faint scent of feces contaminated the air. The cooling liquid of his blood was still at the base of my neck, hardening. My mouth was dry.

I swiped at the blood with the sleeve of my torn sweatshirt. What had started as a slow wipe became frantic rubbing to remove any trace of the now dead man by my feet. I could still feel his hands as well as the stream of his blood as it fell from the bullet wound.

I didn’t know when the ringing stopped, but the sound of running shocked me out of my trance. I hurriedly stuffed the gun back into my backpack before zipping it shut and prepared to make a run for it.

“Little Bird!” Krem’s voiced called out once he spotted me. The amount of relief I felt in that moment was unfathomable. He froze at the sight before him. A dead man, with his head blown out, and me, on the ground with my sweatshirt and t-shirt torn open. He had been the first to arrive, Dalish and Berti were not far behind. Dalish quickly approached and held me as I cried in earnest.

“Oh, Maker.” Berti breathed out. “What happened?”

Krem looked around for anymore of the bandits before telling Berti to inform the others that I was alive. She nodded and left.

“I…” I sobbed, “I killed…”

Dalish spoke in hushed whispers as I cried in her arms. “He attacked you. He deserved to die.”

Krem slowly approached and sat a couple feet from us. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I buried my face in my hands. I knew he deserved to die, I did. But, I had never killed a person before. A life that had been was now gone because of me, because of that gun. It had been so fast, so easy to end a life. 

“Come,” Dalish spoke after a while, “there’s a lake near here. We’ll get you cleaned up and dressed.”

I nodded and wiped my face. She helped me up and asked if Krem could tell the others what she and I were going to do. He agreed and gently patted my arm before leaving. Dalish led me in another direction after grabbing my backpack.

“It was a bandit party.” She explained, “A large one. They wait for people to…” I checked out as Dalish continued. I couldn’t focus on anything other than the shaking of my hands. _I hope I never have to do that again._

When we arrived at the lake Dalish cautiously helped remove my clothing down to my undergarments. She did as well, donning what could only be described as medieval sports bra made of wrapped cloth and boy-shorts, before we both entered the cool water. She was able to clean herself quickly, while my movements were my own but slow. I scrubbed at my neck roughly before submerging myself fully under the water. Having to hold my breath helped control my breathing, it helped prevent me from hyperventilating. 

Dalish gently pulled me from beneath and held my face. I noticed that she was the same height as I was. “Look at me.” I did. “You. Did. Not. Do. Anything. Wrong.” She spoke slow and deliberately. “He did. You protected yourself.”

I closed my eyes and nodded. She, nor Krem, had asked how I had been able to protect myself. But, I was sure The Iron Bull will. It wasn’t something that could just be ignored. I was harmless, physically. What would they think now that I had killed someone with such damage? _Maybe The Iron Bull will consider me an actual prisoner now and tie me up._

If he did, what would stop him from going into my backpack and finding the gun?

“Why didn’t you say you were a mage?” Dalish’s question took me by surprise. She thought I was a mage?

“I’m not…” I began to protest.

She didn’t notice it as she continued, mostly to herself, with her hands still cradling my face. “I knew you felt different from the moment I grabbed you from the water.”

“Felt different?”

“Yes,” She nodded, “though I’ve never felt a mage that felt like you do.”

I was bewildered as she rattled on and on about how different I felt. That I didn’t feel as a non-mage, but I also didn’t feel as any mage she’d encountered before. Her theory completely distracted me from thinking about what had happened, and a large part of me was thankful for it. But her thoughts were in dangerous territory. If she knew I felt not as a person from Thedas typically would, it could mean some serious problems for me if she told the others about it.

“Dalish.” I placed both my hands on her face as well, which seized her speaking and gained her attention. “I’m not a mage. I don’t have magic.”

She chuckled, “Neither am I. That would make us apostates.”

I groaned, “No, Dalish. I’ve never had nor used magic in my entire life.” She cocked her head with a confused smile. “What you might sense is some residue from being in the fade or something.”

“No.” She answered confidently. “You don’t feel like the fade.”

That stopped me. _I don’t feel like the fade?_

She noticed and elaborated. “You do, but you also don’t.” She shook her head slightly. “It’s almost like…”

“How long are you two goin’ to be?!” A voice called and startled both Dalish and I. “If you two wanted some privacy all you had to do was say so!” Dak laughed upon seeing both Dalish and I holding each others faces. “Chief wants everyone to wash before we start movin’ again.”

“Yeah, alright, Dak!” She called back and moved to exited the water. I waited a moment before following. Dalish knew something was up with me. If she were to tell The Iron Bull, I’d be fucked. Almost as if she read my mind she turned and winked before whispering, “Not a mage.”

_Well that was something, at least._

After leaving the water the rest of the Chargers arrived and began to wash the blood from themselves as well as their armor. I found a bush and changed my undergarments before dressing in the same pair of jeans and a new t-shirt. I stared at the torn sweatshirt and t-shirt that I held in my hands.

 _Maybe Dalish could set fire to them for me._ I stepped out from the bushes and looked for her. But was stopped by the one person I’d rather stay away from.

“Are you alright?” The Iron Bull asked looking down at me. I realized how tiny I was compared to him. I was barely passed his fucking stomach. If I were to stared straight ahead at him, I would be looking at the top part of his wide-ass belt. He had to be well over seven feet tall, certainly closer the eight feet rather than seven. The horns definitely put him over eight.

I looked away from him and sighed. “I’ll live.”

“You will.” He agreed but didn’t move. “Though, that wasn’t what I asked.”

I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer him. I was sure Krem and Berti had both informed him of the situation. I didn’t need to repeat it. So I didn’t and walked away from him.

Dalish hadn’t wandered too far from where I was. She smiled when I approached and saw the clothing in my hand. I didn’t need to ask her before she grabbed them. The air felt tingly on my skin as I watched her set them ablaze. She glanced at the goosebumps on my arms and smirked.

After everyone had finished washing we continued on our journey. I sat on the back of the cart and stared at my backpack. That little weapon took a life so quickly. I didn't want the sole responsibility of preventing Thedas from getting its hands on a weapon like that. I had only been a hostess and a bartender, preventing weapons from integrating with Thedas was not the type of responsibility I was accustomed to.

What if I would have to do it again? Could I kill someone else? This was Thedas, not Earth. Life here was like how Earth might have been several hundreds of years ago. And even then, we didn’t have magic and demons to worry about. _I think I could kill a demon._ It wouldn’t be the same as killing a person. Would they? _No, they aren’t people._

 _Cole is a person._ Cole was a spirit, not a demon.

My thoughts began to spiral into circular arguments when it was time to stop for camp. The Iron Bull dragged logs to set around the campfire, the other set up camp, and I brushed Vitriol. It had been my job for days now. Though, now that my shoulder had been doing better I should start helping in another area.

“Do you want to join us or…” Dalish asked when I finished with Vitriol. I nodded and followed her. 

The others didn't say anything about what happened earlier that day and I was thankful. I knew they heard the gunshot, it would be impossible for them not to. It was something they would have never heard before.

While no one said anything about it, The Iron Bull certainly wanted to. I could almost feel that he was holding himself back from practically bursting. His eye burned into me as I ignored him. But, he refrained. I had to give him credit, if it were me, I don’t think I'd be able to hold back. I was quite a nosy person.

The evening went on and I went to bed before most of the Chargers. Before I fell asleep, I could hear the hushed whispers of confusion and curiosity from outside the canvas tent. I would have to come up with something to tell them. Could I just tell them all the truth? I was from another world, it was an otherworldly weapon, and I knew shit that was supposed to happen. _Don’t be fucking ridiculous._

The Iron Bull seemed honorable at least, could I just make him promise not to tell the Qun? I almost laughed aloud... Although, all reports would have to go through Leliana. She wouldn’t let him report back that he had someone from a different world with a weapon that they would most certainly be interested in now would she.

Leliana would certainly want to keep that tidbit for the Inquisition. My knowledge even more so. 

Maybe if The Iron Bull hadn’t been such a dick, I might have told him. But as of right now, he can fuck right off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise chapter!! It was a shorter chapter so I decided to post early :)  
> and as always _direct thoughts are in italics._

A firm kick to my feet pulled me from my sleep. I quickly sat up and looked around. My face scrunched as I tried to process what happened. My hair that I had left undone after the lake was a mess around my head. The tent was dark except for the open flap that let in the soft light of the campfire.

“Wha...” I croaked, my voice thick with sleep. 

“Shh.” A deep voice cut me off. “Outside.” He whispered and let the tent flap close. I looked on either side of me, Dalish and Berti were still sleeping soundlessly. I inwardly groaned and tied my hair into a bun on top of my head before quietly getting out of the bedroll. I left the tent after slipping on my sneakers and another sweatshirt. It was good I had two because the air was crisp. We were definitely close to the Frostback Mountains.

The Iron Bull was the only one sitting at the campfire. _Must be his watch._ I rubbed my eyes and yawned as I approached. “What?” I asked quietly. 

He turned to me, giving me his full attention. “I need you to tell me what happened.”

I scoffed, “I’m sure Krem and Berti informed you.” I hugged around myself.

He nodded. “They reported what they saw, not what happened.” He eye bore into mine. “What happened?” He repeated. 

“I killed him.” I said and sat on the log to his right. 

He remained quiet as I looked off into the flames. “He tried to...” I shook my head. “I killed him.”

“Good.” He gave a curt nod. “ **Bas** deserved it.”

I paused a moment at the Qunlat, that I understood for some reason, before I snorted. “Yeah.”

He went to speak again before I sighed, “I know you want to know how and what the explosion was.”

He nodded and gestures for me to continue. 

But I shook my head, “I’m not going to lie to you.”

“That would be wise.” He commented with a chuckle.

“I won’t lie, but I’m also not going to tell you.” I bit my lip and waited. 

He didn’t speak for a few moments as he processed my refusal. He took a large breath. “You don’t trust me.”

It was a statement but I still nodded. “I want to.” I admitted. I did, Bull was near and dear to my heart, but he had been acting like The Iron Bull as of late. “I started to, but...”

He chuckled, though it was humorless. “But, that night.” He finished. 

“It was a cruel prank,” I explained, “you should’ve known. I know that you like being called THE Iron Bull because it makes you feel as though you’re some mindless weapon.” He stared intensely at me. “So I guess, you succeeded in that. You were mindless.”

He was extremely quiet as he regarded me. I knew pulling some knowledge like I had was very, very dumb but I did want to trust him and if using what I had helped then so be it. We both knew he wasn’t some mindless weapon, no matter how much the Qun would have him think otherwise. 

After several painstaking moments he shook his head, “I wasn’t mindless and it wasn’t a prank.” He responded seriously. 

I furrowed my brows. “What do you mean?” I questioned. If it wasn’t a prank, the what was it?

“I saw you,” he sighed, “before, when you couldn’t breathe.” _He saw my panic attack._ “That happen a lot?”

“Sometimes.” I answered quietly. “It’s called a panic attack.”

He hummed. “I’ve seen others have them. Need their minds taken off of whatever’s going on in their head.”

I chuckled in disbelief. “So, terrifying me was the best way?”

He shrugged. “It forces you to be in the moment.” _He isn’t wrong._ “No time to think about much else.”

“Usually,” I snorted, “having the person focus on how to breathe could help.” He helped me, a bit late, but he tried to help me. “But, thanks, I guess. Even though I had already controlled my breathing.” I joked. 

“Some thoughts don’t just disappear.” He answered sincerely. 

I huffed and shook my head, “No, no they don’t.” If anyone knew something about lingering thoughts, it was most definitely Bull. Though, his lingering thoughts must be much more traumatizing than mine. I had barely given much thought about my life back home. Barely much thought about how I had been ripped away from my relatively safe life, last moments notwithstanding. I had some friends, my mother, my brother, a job… _A shit job_. 

We sat in companionable silence as I stared into the flames and he maintained watch over the sleeping camp.

What would my friends and family think happened to me? What did Declan even think happened? Did he see what happened? _His eyes were closed when I left..._ Part of me wanted to vent it, everything, out. 

I took a deep breath. “I was leaving my home when it happened.” Bull glanced over to me. I snickered ruefully, “Actually I was leaving a someone.” He turned to me, giving me his full attention. “I entertained him for far longer than I should have, I knew I should have left sooner. We weren’t good together,” I looked over at Bull, “We fought a lot. Most were pretty bad, never struck me, nor I him, but they were violent. We would throw things at each other, he more than me. He’d grab me anytime I’d try to throw shit back at him.”

“Didn’t like you to defend yourself.” Bull responded lowly. 

I snorted, “Guess not.” I sighed. “When I came home that night, he was drunk and waiting for me with a weapon. He claimed that I was going to leave him, and I was, but he looked so deranged. He had drawn a weapon against me. So I talked him down and we went to bed. I fell asleep and I don’t even know how I did. But when I awoke, it was still dark so I was going to leave. He confronted me at the front door claiming he wasn’t actually going to hurt me but I didn’t care. He was letting me leave when I was ripped away into the fade.”

“You didn’t say this when I asked you what happened before you went into the fade.” He commented. He was right, I hadn’t. All I had said was that I was on my way out when I was pulled into the fade. I looked up into his eye. 

“I don’t even know what he saw when it happened.” I continued to vent. Now that I had began to let it out, it was overflowing. “My family, my friends, they all will have no idea what happened to me. I was dropped into a place with no idea how to go home. What will they think happened? Was I kidnapped? Killed? Will I be killed here? Tortured?”

Bull shook his head, confused. “Why are you telling me all this?” He questioned. 

“I want you to know that I don’t _not_ trust you.” I confessed. “That while I do tell half-truths, I still have trust in you. I know that you’re not a dangerous, mindless thing. I am glad that it was you who came across me and not someone else.”

Bull furrowed his eyebrow and stared into the flames of the low burning campfire. I wiped at my face that had a few tears trail down that I had not felt. 

I stood from the log and began back toward the tent I shared. 

“You know things you shouldn’t.” Bull’s deep voice commented and gave me pause. It was a statement. 

“Maybe if you win our bet, you’ll get to ask.” I answered and entered the tent. 

And just like that, I had forgiven The Iron Bull.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

Falling asleep had been easier after my conversation with Bull. I felt strangely better after venting some of my thoughts with him. He was a good listener, but then again he should be. I had pretty much confirmed to him that I knew things, things I shouldn’t be able to know, even though I never explicitly stated it. But, I didn’t feel anxious about it. In fact, I felt lighter in a way. 

The knowledge was heavier than I had originally thought and lightening it, even in the slightest way, was better than any relaxation technique there ever would be. After my forgiveness toward Bull, I actually tried to search for him that morning. 

I woke a bit later than I normally would have, but I was determined to try. A good thing about getting closer to the Frostbacks, there would be snow. Despite Bull’s surprisingly quiet feet, even he couldn’t prevent footprints in snow. Unfortunately there wasn’t any snow yet, but I bet that by the time we stopped traveling today, there would be. And if not, then tomorrow.

Unsurprisingly, I didn’t find Bull. I even tried to find tracks but I didn’t know anything about tracking. When my time was up, Bull came to the fire with a chuckle about my tracking skills. He told me that I had been going in the completely wrong direction. 

The others, Krem and Dalish, especially, were in good spirits about the ‘re-emergence of my personality’. Krem knew that I had had a hard time forgiving Bull, so when he saw that I was resuming my attempts to discover Bull, he gave me a knowing pat on my shoulder. 

It was a great distraction from the man I had killed. Everyone was aware that I had never killed someone before, and though they didn’t act like it was nothing, they didn’t dwell on it. They let me freak out a bit about it and comforted me when I needed it, then we all moved on. Skinner surprisingly was more comforting than I would’ve thought. She bad mouthed the man and offered to teach me how to use daggers. I told her I might take her up on it someday. 

Traveling was terrible like it always was, except now it was colder. I didn’t have much in the way of winter-type clothing since it had only been the beginning of October when I arrived here. All I had were some crop tops, a t-shirt, a few pairs of high-waisted skinny jeans, a couple pairs of sleep shorts, several pairs of underwear and bras, and a sweatshirt. 

Thankfully, there were some extra wool blankets that weren’t with the bedrolls. They were a bit scratchy but I’d take them over freezing any day of the week. I sat on the cart and used all of them. The Chargers made fun of the way I wrapped myself up tight but my warmth was overriding their teasing. 

“Not one for the cold, eh?” Rocky chuckled. 

“I like the cold when I’m appropriately dressed.” I defended. “I like snow.”

Dak laughed. “Yeah, I can tell by the way you’re wrapped.”

I scoffed, “I’ll have you know that I actually prefer colder places to warmer ones.”

“If you haven’t been from a place I’d never heard of, I’d say your Fereldan.” Dak joked.

“Why not prefer to be warm?” Dalish asked. 

I shrugged. “Think about it, if you’re cold you could always put more clothing on. But if your hot, you can only take so much clothing off.”

Bull laughed, “The less clothing the better.” I snorted. 

“I can see that by the way your dressed.” I teased. Bull, as was his signature, was wearing those red and green stripped pants with the wide leather belt and the leather harness strap from the game. “You must run hot.”

I knew it as soon as I had said it. Bull tilted his head toward me and winked. “The hotter the better.”

 _Oh god._ I rolled my eyes but snuggled further into the blankets to hide my blush. “Yeah, whatever.” I mumbled into the blankets. 

“What’s it like where you’re from?” Berti asked, “Cold or hot?”

I hummed, “Depends where you are. Some places were colder than others. I lived where it tended to be cooler than warmer. Though my mother preferred warmer weather so she moved somewhere warmer.” I smiled at the memory of my mother. She always wanted to live down south, the cold air made her miserable. It wasn’t like Long Island was Alaska or anything but she could make it seem like it was. 

“And your father?” Berti questioned. 

“He liked the cooler weather, like me.” I answered. We all talked more about temperature preferences. Most of the Chargers liked the warmer weather. I don’t blame them. Warm weather was nice. My problem with it was when it gets too hot, you can only strip so much off. 

Lunch, or I guess it’s called a midday meal, was the same as always; stale bread and some water, that I had passed out while sat on the cart. The blankets stopped being itchy the longer I wore them. I was also correct in my estimation of snow. Though it was not much, there was some snow about. Bull would not be able to hide his footprints for long. 

By the time we stopped to make camp the air had chilled even more so. I was hesitant to unwrap myself and bear the icy chill of the evening air. But I did and draped the blankets over Vitriol as best I could after brushing him down. He was too tall even with my jumping. Fortunately, he was intelligent enough to see my struggle and lowered his head so I could reach as much as I could. 

“You’ll keep these nice and warm for me, wont you, Buddy.” I cooed as I rubbed his thick neck. He liked me. I could tell as he shifted his significant weight to lean toward me. I had always had an appreciation for horses but I’d only ridden one maybe three times. Even so, none came near Vitriol’s size. He was a monster in the best way possible. A gentle giant. 

Vitriol had become my responsibility while we traveled. I fed him, watered him, gave him treats, brushed him down, etc... And now that my shoulder was getting better Grim, with all his grunts, taught me how to put on his tack and take it off, as well as keep his hooves clean.

I tended to observe Grim often. He had an air about him that he knew some shit. Bull might be right in thinking he was some lost king or something. And unfortunately, true to the game, Grim only communicated through grunts. _It’d be funny if he was a hell of a singer._

The Chargers sung quite a bit, not songs how I knew them but songs all the same. They would mainly sing the Chargers anthem, of course. They taught it to me, though I already knew it. 

“What kind of songs do you know, Little Bird?” Dak asked as we all sat around the campfire. _I know quite a bit._ But most of the songs I knew had things they had no idea about. 

“I may be a little bird, but I’m not a song bird.” I joked and they laughed.

“C’mon,” Dak pressed, “you gotta know some!”

I tried to push it off but they were relentless. They insisted that I sing at least one song. That there was no way I didn’t know any. I argued that I wasn’t a great singer though they only laughed and Dak said no one there was. 

I groaned, “Fine!” They whooped. “What kind of song are you interested in hearing?”

Different subjects were suggested, though funny and dirty were the most. 

“Funny and dirty?” Nods all around. I glanced at Bull, he shrugged with a smirk. “How dirty?” I asked. 

“Filthy!” Dak called out.

I shook my head and scoffed, “I did not write this!” I clarified and everyone snickered. “A group of men did, okay I just want to make that clear.”

“Tha’ means it’s gonna be good.” Dak laughed. 

I cleared my throat. _I can’t believe I’m about to sing this. Lonely Island don’t fail me now._ And then I started singing ‘I Just Had Sex’ by The Lonely Island. 

“Sometimes,   
Something beautiful happens  
In this world. 

You don’t know how to express yourself so  
You just gotta sing. 

I just had sex...”

Immediately laughter echoed all around.

“And it felt so good (felt so good)  
A woman let me put my penis inside her  
I just had sex   
And I'll never go back (never go back)  
To the not having sex  
Ways of the past.”

The continued boisterous laughter gave me more confidence in singing. Eventually I stood and began to dance around the fire as I sang. I landed in Dalish’s lap before moving on to Krem and stroked his face. I danced all around the campfire to different members of the Chargers either patting their face or quickly sitting in their lap. I had to change a word here and there as well as condense it so it was easier to sing but for the most part, it was easily converted.

They all laughed especially hard at the manure line.

“I just had sex  
And my dreams came true (dreams came true)  
So if you had sex in the last 30 minutes  
Then you're qualified to sing with me…”

The Chargers began to sing along to the end of the song. I stood next to Bull, he chuckled as I leaned against his shoulder with my right hand. _He does run hot._

“I just had sex  
And it felt so good   
A woman let me put my penis inside her  
I just had sex  
And I'll never go back  
To the not having sex  
Ways of the past…”

When I finished the laughter didn’t stop as they cheered around. I dramatically bowed and sat back down on the log I shared with Berti as I began to blush.

“I’m never singing that song again.” I stated causing the laughter to increase. 

Berti bumped her right shoulder against me. “It was funny.” She laughed.

“Was tha’ a common song where you’re from?” Dak chuckled as he asked.

“It was well known.” I mumbled. “It’s a comedic song.”

“Well, it was fucking comedic.” Rocky chuckled. “What other songs do you know?”

“No,” I slashed my hand through the air, “I agreed to one song.”

They booed good-heartedly and dropped it. Conversations then picked up amongst the group. I smiled and shook my head. _That was kinda fun._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

Tomorrow morning. That was all I had left to find Bull. I wasn’t able to find him this morning even with the snow on the ground. There were footprints but several pairs going in different directions. He knew I would depend on those prints. So of course he would make multiple pairs of them. Why would I have thought otherwise?

It was weird though. I almost didn’t care as much about Bull knowing, at least some things. From what I’ve observed he wasn’t acting within the Qun’s purpose. But then again he was a professional. I didn’t know if he would try to report me back to them. What I did know, was that it would have to be screened by Leliana. She would never give up an advantage. So in that aspect, I was safe, at least until she got her hands on me. 

Obviously, I’ve never been tortured so I didn’t know how I’d hold up. I couldn’t tell her the entire story, that would be insane. It wasn’t just my life at stake, it would be the entirety of Thedas. Leliana always struck me as a torture first, ask later type. How would she do it?

A part of me wanted to just ask Bull how to withstand torture, but that would surely warrant more questions that I wasn’t going to answer. But then again, he’d only get five when I lose the bet.

It would be a question I’d ask when we were alone, I didn’t need the Chargers knowing why I was inquiring about torture methods as well as how to withstand them.

Currently, we had just finished out midday break. I was walking with one of the blankets wrapped around me. The ‘road’ we were traveling on was nothing more than a wide beaten down dirt path that had gone slightly muddy with the snow. It was relatively flat, though pitched at a small incline that would surely become switchbacks as we traveled further up the Frostbacks toward Haven. 

The trees and bushes on either side held a thin sheet of snow on them, the ground a couple inches. As we walked I spotted a familiar looking berry on a bush. _No way._ when we passed it, I broke off from the group and picked a handful before quickly taking my place. I didn’t love blueberries by any means, but when I’ve eaten nothing but bland food and stale bread, blueberries were a godsend. 

I threw a couple in my mouth and smiled. Finally, some flavor. Part of me wondered if I had lost the ability to taste things but what a relief the berries were. Bull leaned over me to see what I was eating and I offered some while throwing a few more in my mouth. 

He picked one up and looked at it. “These are poisonous.” He calmly stated. 

“What!?” I spit the berries out and threw the rest to the ground. My continuous spitting almost drowned out the sound of his laughing. My head whipped to him just in time to see him pop the berry into his mouth with a smirk. “Asshole.” I muttered and jogged up to Dalish, who hadn’t been too far in front of us. 

She chuckled quietly. “He wouldn’t have let you eat them if they were deadly.”

I snorted. “Yeah, he just likes when my heart plummets to my stomach.”

Dalish laughed but I still heard Bull’s laugh behind us. 

“They were good berries.” I grumbled.

“There will be more.” She patted my left shoulder. “How’s your shoulder?”

I moved it around, hardly any aches. “Good, my bruises have mostly healed too. Just a bit of yellow and scarcely any purple.”

Stitches slowed when he heard the inquiry. “That’s good. The elfroot really sped up your healing.” He was right. Back home, the gash in my shoulder wouldn’t have healed so quickly nor would a bruise of that size. The pink lines from the electricity have disappeared completely except for directly around the wound. But he’s said those would disappear with time. “Your wound should scar cleanly.”

“What does that mean exactly?” I questioned. 

“It won’t look unsightly.” Stitches clarified. “It’ll look like a slightly raised line. Not gnarly.”

“That’s good, I guess.” I shrugged. “At least my first scar will be a pretty one.” They both chuckled. I wasn’t upset about the scar, I was just happy I had survived a Pride demon. The size of it was a positive thing as well. It wasn’t tiny but it was smaller than I would’ve thought. I assumed that I was just far enough from the demon to only receive the tip of the lightning whip. Any closer would’ve been an entirely different situation.

As we traveled the snow began to deepen and the mud on the road thickened. My steps grew more and more heavy and slow. I slipped a few times but Bull caught the back of the blanket wrapped around me each time. After the third, I huffed and I jumped back on the cart for the rest of the afternoon. 

“You’ve gotten better.” Bull commented as I leaped off the cart when we stopped for the night. 

“Yeah, my slipping and sliding is a real improvement.” I snorted and started tending to Vitriol. He chuckled and began his assigned job. 

The Chargers has always been efficient in setting up camp. When I had started to help, I knew I had hindered them. But by now, I had managed to slip into my position as Vitriol’s caretaker and stay out of everyone else’s way. It reminded me of a machine, a well oiled machine. 

By the time everyone was finished, the sun had just began to set. Rocky was in charge of tending the fire as well as cooking tonight. He wasn’t the worst cook I’ve ever seen, but he definitely wasn’t the best. Then again, the food itself wasn’t great. They were rations and you could tell they were rations. Hopefully not all the food would be bland and stale, but considering the situation of what’s going on in Thedas, I wouldn’t be surprised. 

As night fell, each of the Chargers went to bed. I remained at the fire with a blanket wrapped around myself. Bull did as well. I was going to ask him about torture. I needed to. I had to know what to expect. 

Bull was sat on a log across from mine. “You’re usually one of the first to sleep.”

“I had a couple of questions I needed to ask you.” I pulled the blanket tighter around me. 

Bull turned his head toward the tents before he looked back at me. “What about?”

I took a deep breath. “Torture.”

He raised his brow and tilted his head. “Why?”

“Does it matter?” I asked and chewed on bottom lip.

He shrugged. “Doesn’t it?”

I huffed and rubbed my face with the edge of the blanket tucked around my fisted hand. 

“You think you are going to be tortured.” He stated. “Why?”

“I think you already have some understanding as to why.” I sighed. “I don’t think those that call themselves the inquisition would take to accepting half-truths.”

He hummed. “Fair enough. What do you want to know?”

I swallowed. “What is the best way to withstand it?”

“There isn’t one.” He said. “Everyone breaks eventually.”

“Great.” I groaned.

“Is it really that important to keep secret?” He questioned with a brow raised. 

“Yes.” I sighed and cover my face. 

He was quiet for a few moments. But just before I got up to go to my tent he spoke. “They’ll most likely try to break your mind. You’ll have to keep your focus on something.”

 _Focus on not fucking up the world._ “Stay focused.” I repeated and he nodded. 

“They’ll make it seem as though they’re your savior.” He continued. “They’re not.”

“They’re not my savior.” I whispered to myself. _It could destroy the world._

“You will break eventually.” He reminded me. “The best you can do is hold out for as long as you can.”

“The question is,” I began as I stood up, “how long will that be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another surprise chapter! Same situation as last time, chapter was a shorter one so I thought I'd post it early. :)  
> Don't worry though, another chapter will still be posted tomorrow. I'm trying to stick to posting Mon, Wed, and Fri :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

I didn’t sleep well that night. There would be no real way to withstand Leliana’s torture. All I could do was hold out. But, what would I be holding out for? Wait until my knowledge became irrelevant? There would be no possible way to hold out that long. I didn’t even know how she would do it. I didn’t think they knew about water boarding so I didn’t have to worry about that. She could stab me and stuff, though Bull said it would probably be my mind she’d try to break.

I could have a strong mind. Especially if the entire world rested on the strength. But, did it though? _Yes, it did!_ If, _when_ , I break, the outcome could be horrific. There would be no way to account for the changes and how bad their outcomes would be.

Like Adamant, if I were to tell the Herald that they’d have to enter the fade, they would be constantly looking for when to enter it. When they fall from the bridge would they not worry because they hadn’t been to the fade yet? Or if I told them, would it not work because it wasn’t a desperate instinct? That could be how the inquisitor dies. And if the inquisitor dies, the world is fucked. Absolutely fucked.

Sure Solas was here, the Dread Wolf and all, but he isn’t at full power and he won’t be for a while. _Oh fuck._ If Dalish can sense that I’m out of place, Solas would surely know some shit is up. Would it help, or fuck it up? He might be on my side when I explain to Leliana that I’m not from here so I’m not her enemy, but he would definitely want my knowledge, especially if he finds out that I know who he really is. _He might kill me._ Solas can’t know that I know who he is.

I would have to keep my eye on the old wolf. He is a manipulator, he started the whole breach thing by giving Corypheus the orb to unlock. _He couldn’t wait a damn minute?_ Then again if he did wait, the veil would be brought down and chaos would ensue, blah, blah, blah… It seemed like everyone is trying to end the world with the claim that they know what’s best for it. No one can actually know what’s best for it. I’m just trying not to fuck it up with my presence. Maybe they could, oh I don’t know, follow my lead. The world will fix itself if you let it. But, because there’s fucking morons who want to ‘fix’ it, shit gets fucked up. 

By the time Dalish was woken by Dak for the last watch, I had already been awake for an hour or so. Today was the last chance I had to find Bull, or else I’d be handed over to the Inquisition and taken as an official prisoner. Which also meant I would, for sure, be tortured in some way. I almost wanted to laugh, but also cry. It was a ridiculous situation I was in. Borderline impossible. 

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to find Bull unless he let me. But, I wasn’t one for quitting. I laid awake in the bedroll for almost three hours before I actually getting up, though it was still dark. I rolled my bedroll and prepared myself to lose the bet. 

Dalish sat alone at the campfire and smiled when she saw me. “Last day.” She reminded me, though I couldn’t forget it.

“Yeah.” I looked over to Bull and Krem’s tent. “Did he leave yet?”

Dalish shrugged unhelpfully.

“No help from my Chargers.” I mocked Bull’s rule to myself. “Fuckin’ bullshit.” I grumbled and shivered. 

Dalish held a wool blanket out to me along with bread and an apple.

“Thanks.” I accepted each. With the blanket wrapped around me staved off the sharp chill but did little to retain much warmth. But, it was better than nothing. Vitriol was waiting patiently for his morning apple and nickered in greeting. At least I think it was in greeting. I didn’t know much about horse behavior.

After giving him the treat, the light crunch of snow attracted my attention. _Bull is up._ I bit my lip to contain my smirk before sneaking around a tree and listened more. He was extremely quiet, but he weighed a lot and heavy plus snow equals noises. When I heard another crunch, fainter than before, I tiptoed after it. I had my size as my advantage in a terrain such as this one. Even though I still made noises, they would be much more subdued than his.

The lack of light helped him. He could navigate better than I could, he’d done it longer than I had that’s for sure. Despite the snow that should have reflected the moons’ light, clouds blocked the moons, however every now and then the clouds would shift and I could see much better. The moons’ light illuminated the snow, which outlined large footprints. A single trail of footprints. _Fuck yes._

No matter how hard I tried to suppress it, the faintest giggle escaped my mouth. And I wanted to hit myself. He would have certainly heard it in the quiet. I couldn’t even rely on the typical nature ambiance, it seemed it was too cold for insects. I continued to followed the trail of footprints, only stepping where he stepped to reduce any snow crunching. I noticed it diminished sound once we first encountered snow.

As I followed the footprints, they became further and further apart. He knew I was using his tracks. _Ass._ He was taking wide steps. Although, the wider the step the less in control he was of the crush of the snow. Bull had numerous advantages, but snow was not one of them. Snow seemed to be mine. _Maybe._

The wide steps diminished my tactic. I could’ve either jumped from one print to the next, which would cause plenty of noise upon landing, or gone back to tiptoeing and hoping for the best. Neither were great options, but I decided on tiptoeing. I would occasionally pause and listen for the a crush of snow before resuming. 

Soon, the sun had began to peak over the low mountains, informing me I didn’t have much more time. _Might be time to just run for him._ I only had so much time left, the Charges were relatively early risers and quick eaters. I huffed a large breath and darted after the footprints.

The loud crunch of my feet in the snow echoed through the silence as I followed the tracks. Despite my noisy pursuit, I heard no other sounds. I was either way off on where he was or I was so close that he hid. _Yeah, right._ I almost snorted to myself.

I stopped and surveyed the footprints. The tracks didn’t stop nor break off into multiple ones. They still were long strides that seemed to just continue on and on, with no actual purpose or reason. Krem’s words echoed in my head, ‘The Chief is smart, for as long as I’ve known the bastard, he doesn’t do anything without reason.’ Once the sun had almost completely rose did it finally clicked. The footprints were a fucking ruse.

“Fuck me.” I laughed to myself in disbelief. He was ingenious. How did he do that? There had been crunching snow, I heard it. Then again, it had been rare and quiet, only here and there. If it were actually him, I would have heard it, at the very least, more often. How could I have mistaken, what I now realized was, a small animal for The Iron Fucking Bull. 

I was still laughing, almost manically as I sat in the snow and digested my loss. “I’m going to be tortured.” I laughed harder and covered my face with my hands. Tears slowly fell down my face and I couldn’t tell if it was because I was still laughing or had started crying. _Probably both._

I didn’t know how long I sat there cry laughing when I heard heavy steps in the snow. From the weight I knew it was Bull. “You’re fucking good.” I laughed into my hands without looking at him. I sighed and lowered my hands so my arms could rest on the tops of my knees that I had pulled against my chest. I stared out into the trees and noticed that the closer we go to Haven the less dense the trees and bushes became. There were still plenty of trees and such but just less than there was closer to the Storm Coast. “How did you make the trail?”

“Last night.” He responded. I snorted and shook my head. “After you left this morning, I sat at the fire and waited.”

I snorted in disbelief. “You weren’t even out of your tent yet.” I stated. He waited for me to go search for him. “Fuck me.” I groaned to myself. 

He chuckled, “I didn’t know you were offering.”

“HA!” I guffawed. I finally looked at Bull. He wasn’t too far and leaned against the trunk of a tree with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked down at me with a soft smile. “Tempting.” I snickered. “But, I’m now an official prisoner.”

“You’re not tied up.” He pointed out. He’s brought up that point before. 

“Maybe not your prisoner,” I shrugged, “but definitely the Inquisition’s.” 

Bull hummed in acknowledgment, he knew I was right. 

I also knew Bull had five questions that I would have to answer. “What are your questions?” I asked. 

Bull stood up straight and shook his head. “Not now, it’s time to leave.”

I nodded and stood up from the snow. The walk back to camp was quiet but not uncomfortable. Bull walked next to me but just behind. What I did take note of was that he had me on his blind side. I never walked on his left, it was always the right. He trusted me enough to not attack him. Though I would never stand a chance even if I did. I also noticed, I had no nervousness in leaving my backpack in camp while I wasn’t. I trusted them enough to not go into my personal things, whether or not they knew how to open it. I gave trust rarely and Bull struck me as the same. 

“Will you inform me when one of those questions are being asked?” I questioned after several minutes of silence. 

“Of course.” He agreed. I nodded and we returned to our silent walk.

“Question one.” He suddenly spoke. 

I snorted. 

“Why ‘strength and honor’?” He asked. “You aren’t a warrior.” He pointed out. 

“No I am not.” I chuckled. “It’s from a tale about a powerful general named Maximus forced to become a gladiator eighteen hundred years ago. While he was still a general he would send his men off with the parting words, ‘strength and honor’.”

“But why mark it on yourself?”

I sighed. “It was my father’s favorite story.” We’d watch ‘Gladiator’ at least once a month for years. “He got sick several years ago and passed. When he was dying, every time I would leave he would tell me to go with ‘strength and honor’.” I smiled sadly to myself. “They were his last words to me.” A tear slid down my cheek but I quickly whipped it. “I wasn’t there when he died. My mother was though, I’m glad he wasn’t alone.”

Bull didn’t say anything for a few moments. “How did the story end?”

I snorted and wiped a few more stray tears. “Oddly enough, he dies.”

Bull chuckled softly. The rest of the walk was quiet. When we arrived the Chargers began with their teasing of my loss. I smiled and shrugged it off. It was no surprise that I lost, even the others pointed it out. But, they patted me on the back and complimented my attempts. 

I knew the tattoo question was a softball one. The others wouldn’t be as easy to answer. I knew one of them would revolve around the gun. And another around that fact I know shit I shouldn’t. He’d bide his time though. But, I was sure he’d ask before we arrived at Haven. He’d want to know before Leliana. _One down, four to go._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics._  
>  TW for a minor panic attack

Bull didn’t ask anymore of the ‘questions’ while we traveled that day. Though he did ask me to tell the full story to him and the rest of the Chargers. And I did, as best I could. They enjoyed it a lot. They all bitched about the emperor’s son and his shitty actions. They asked if it was true and I told them loosely and that I was sure that it had been ‘prettied up’.

Dak asked if I had any more stories and I agreed. I had plenty. I told them Tarzan and The Lion King. Though they asked for some of the songs that accompanied both. I tried to dissuade them but eventually caved and sang ‘Strangers Like Me’ from Tarzan and ‘Hakuna Matata’ from The Lion King. Suffice to say the Chargers were happy with my singing. 

“You lied.” Dalish commented after I’d finished. 

I cocked my head confused.

“You said you weren’t a good singer.” She clarified. “You’re quite good, great even.”

“A real songbird!” Dak joked. 

I snorted. “If you think I’m good, then you wouldn’t believe the types of voices I’ve heard back home.” I did fib, I was a decent singer. My mother was a great one. And compared to her, Beyoncé and others, I was just average, below that even. 

“Haven’t heard anyone as good as you.” Dalish complimented and nudged my shoulder. 

“Stop.” I blushed and looked away. “Now you’re the one lying.” 

She laughed and so did some of the others, the ones who were listening anyway. 

Everyone was in good spirits, as they usually were, even I kind of was. It surprised me, I knew I was going to be tortured but I still felt in high spirits while we traveled. The Chargers knew how to keep energies up in a way I’ve never seen before. Bull’s Cheerleaders was the most accurate assessment I’ve made so far. 

The day went by a lot faster then I would have preferred though. The longer the day, the longer until my torture. I was a procrastinator by nature and if I could procrastinate my own torture I would. It seemed time wanted to torture me so when we made camp it felt like I had blinked and it was done. We were too good a machine. Part of me wanted to just fuck shit up but that would only cause more time to pass. 

How do you stop the passing of time? People have probably tried for as long as the concept of time was realized. No matter what I did, time would pass and my torture crept closer. I heard from the others that we’d arrive at Haven tomorrow by midday. By noon tomorrow my freedom, perhaps even my sanity, will be stripped from me for who knows how long. Bull hadn’t even finished questioning me. Surely he wouldn’t just hand me over when he had questions. 

I looked over at Bull who sat on his own log on the other side of the campfire. Dalish shared a blanket with me on my log to my left. Berti and Dak shared the log to my right. Rocky, Skinner, and Grim shared the longest log to Dalish’s left. And Krem shared the last log with Stitches between Bull and Berti. My gaze lingered on each of the Chargers as they chatted and told tall tales. Bull looked relaxed, content, as he surveyed his men as well. Based how how fond of them he appeared to be, this Bull would never sacrifice them. He loved them, they’re his men. Perhaps the reason why the game only showed the six was because they were his favorite of the company. They were his A-team. 

“Where are you?” Dalish questioned. I blinked a few times and focused on her. “You seemed quite lost in thought.”

I smiled softly, “Not lost.”

She narrowed her eyes and hummed. “Fine, just taking the scenic trail then.”

I snorted. “Something like that.”

Time continued to fuck me and before I knew it each person started retiring to their tents. I remained because of course I did. I didn’t want to sleep yet, and Bull would want to ask his questions. Dalish was the last to leave, and her warmth left me with a shiver as I tightened the blanket around myself. 

Bull didn’t speak up for at least twenty minutes and it nearly drove me insane. But when he did I could understand why. 

“Question two.” He deep voice was hushed. He didn’t want anyone else to hear. “When you fell from the rift, it shut behind you,” _It shit behind me?_ “why did that happen?”

How did that happen? The only way to shut a rift that I knew of was the herald, whoever the fuck that was. “I don’t know.”

He wasn’t happy with that answer. “You don’t know?”

I shook my head. “I honestly don’t know how it could’ve shut on its own.” How does a rift shut without the anchor? Maybe it wasn’t strong enough to last? “The only thing I could think of is that maybe it wasn’t strong or stable enough to remain open after I passed through and closed.”

Bull was quiet as he processed my answer. He stared into my eyes in search of a hint of dishonesty. He wouldn’t find any. A rift closing on its own was not something I knew anything about. He hummed in annoyance.

“Did you see it close?” I asked. He nodded. “What did it do?”

“After you fell through, it imploded on itself.” He answered. 

Imploded... makes my ‘not strong enough’ theory more probable. Yet demons were being shat out easily from them, why would my passing through mess it up? It might be possible that me not being from here was too much for it to remain stable. It made some sense, I thought at least. 

“Question three.” Bull voice pulled me from my theory. “You know things, more than you should.”

I didn’t answer, it wasn’t a question. 

“You knew the language we speak is called Common, no one told you that. You knew how I like the THE in The Iron Bull and why, no one told you that either. You know more about the Inquisition then you’re saying.” He elaborated. Still he asked no question. 

“I don’t what you want me to answer.” I confessed and bit my bottom lip. All of his statements are true but he isn’t asking a question. 

He leaned forward and rested his forearms on to his knees as he stared at me across the fire. “What else do you know?”

I scoffed, “You need to be more specific. I know plenty of things. I know to read, write, walk, run, eat, breathe...”

He grunted in annoyance and waved his hand to cut me off. “I get it.” 

I knew what he was asking but I wasn’t going to offer answers to questions he didn’t ask. 

“What do you know about Thedas?” He specified. It was still broad but specific enough. 

I sighed. “I know a lot. More than I should.” He raised his brow. “I know that the Inquisition was established by Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast, Spymaster Leliana, Commander Cullen Rutherford, Ambassador Josephine Montilyet, and The Herald of Andraste themself. I know that they are trying to close the breach. I know a lot of what could happen.” Bull leaned back off his knees and listened as I continued. “If you want to get more personal, I know that you are Ben-Hassrath, I know you have several names, I know that you also think Grim might be some lost king or chieftain, I know that your favorite metal is dawnstone even though it’s brittle because you think is real pretty...”

“Stop.” He cut me off and I immediately shut my mouth. “You aren’t a spy.”

“I am not a spy.”

His eye bore into my soul as he went over my information. “Are you a seer?”

I snorted. “I don’t have visions, if that’s what you’re asking.” In a way, I could be considered a seer but only in the most basic sense. I have seen them all, albeit through a screen, but I have seen it. 

He grunted. He knew I had told him a half-truth, but he didn’t specify it was another full truth question. “The spymaster, that’s how you knew you are going to be tortured.”

“Yes.” I confirmed. “From what I know, she doesn’t seem to be accepting towards half-truths like another spy I know.”

He snorted. “No she doesn’t.” He sighed and dragged his right hand down his face. “Do you actually know the future?”

“Some.” I nodded. “Not every little thing.”

“Certainly knew some little things about me.” He pointed out. 

“Fair enough.” I swallowed. “I know some specifics of people involved in the Inquisition.” I clarified. 

He hummed and opened his mouth to speak.

“I am not going to tell you.” I cut him off. 

He grumbled and huffed. “Fine. Question four.”

I was grateful he accepted my refusal. Even if he didn’t, I couldn’t tell him. I was already risking way too much revealing to him, a Qunari spy, that I knew of future happenings. I couldn’t believe how dumb I was being. But, somehow, I trusted him. This Bull felt familiar. He felt like the Bull I knew. 

“The explosion.” _I knew it._ “What was it?” 

I swallowed. “A weapon.”

He perked up slightly. “A weapon? That could do that to a man’s head?”

“Yes.” I wouldn’t give him more. It wasn’t a half-truth but I would not elaborate. The way he perked up when he hard the word ‘weapon’ was the exact reason he couldn’t have it, the Qunari will never get the gun. It would destroy the world in one more way that it didn’t need.

“Is it the same weapon you lover threatened you with?”

“Yes.”

He narrowed his eye at my short answers. “What does it do?”

“Damage.”

He was annoyed with me. His annoyance could be felt even if he made no sound of it. “It’s in your bag, isn’t it?” I didn’t answer, though I didn’t need to. “I saw your face when you noticed it that day.” 

My eyes involuntarily shifted towards my tent before back at Bull. He saw and glanced toward the tent as well. “You can’t have it.” I quickly said. “The _Qun_ can’t have it.” I emphasized.

He tilted his head cockily. “Oh?” 

I wouldn’t be able to stop him should he take it. My anxiety began to rise. “Bull, please.” My voice cracked slightly and my left leg began to bounce rapidly. I began to lose breath and couldn’t regain it. “You can’t.” My panic began in full force. He watched me and rose. _He’s gonna take it!_

I quickly rose and darted towards the tent, but barely made any ground before he grabbed my upper right arm. “You...” I started but couldn’t breathe enough to finish. My hands shook and he sat me down on a log. My eyes were blown wide as I watched him. He knelt on one knee in front of me. He was still taller than me. He took one of my hands placed it against my own chest. He grabbed the other and placed it against his, holding it there.

“Do you feel me?” He asked softly. My rapid breathing almost drowned him out completely but I still heard him. I nodded. He felt warm and solid. He took an exaggerated breath, held it, then released. “Can you feel my breathing?” He did it again. I nodded. “Good. Try to match it.” He repeated his exaggerated breaths a few more time before I began to follow. I stared straight ahead at my hand on his chest and watched it rise and fall. “Keep going.” The rest of the world seemed to fade away as I copied Bull’s breathing. _Inhale, hold it, exhale. Inhale, hold it, exhale. Inhale, hold it, exhale._ I closed my eyes and breathed, the rise and fall of his chest acting as an anchor. 

When I was finally able to breathe normally I opened my eyes and looked up at him. “Thank you.” I whispered. 

“I wasn’t going to take it.” He responded lowly causing his chest to vibrate. I sighed in relief at his words. It was then that I realized he still held my hand against his chest as I felt the soft but steady beat of his heart. I gently pulled my hand away and softly smiled at him. 

“Thank you.” I repeated. He looked at me a moment longer before he nodded and rose to take a seat on the log next to the one I was on. I cleared my throat. “I appreciate you not chasing me through the forest this time.” I weakly joked before he handed me a waterskin.

He smirked. “You said focusing on breathing was better.”

I snorted. “I did.” He remembered. _He’s a spy, of course he remembers._ I took a long swig of the water. The cool water soothed the dryness in my throat.

“Would it really be that bad?” He asked softly.

I nodded. “Yes.” My own world was being destroyed by these types of weapons. I had no doubt Thedas would be torn apart by them as well. I handed back the waterskin.

He nodded in acceptance and took the skin. “Alright.” I looked at him, really looked. Bull surprised me plenty of times with how he accepted some of my answers at face value. I didn’t know why. He was a spy, and at this point in time still quite loyal to the Qun from what I remember. It didn’t make sense. 

“Last question?” I offered.

He shook his head. “Maybe another time.”

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “You’re just gonna hand me over to Leliana when you still have a question left?”

He smirked. “I’ll get another chance.”

I scoffed. “Some spy you are.”

He chuckled. “Go to sleep.” 

I rolled my eyes and stood. He was really gonna let Leliana know more than him?

“Rest up,” he called after me, “you’ve got torture tomorrow.”

I swallowed. _Shit._


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  I know it's taken taken 15 chapters but we're finally at Haven!

I must have been times favorite whore for how often it continuously fucked me. I would’ve thought the threat of torture would be enough to prevent me from sleeping, but alas it did not. I actually fell asleep quite quickly, much to my annoyance. If I didn’t sleep I could delay the morning as best I could. 

The morning came quickly, though I did wake earlier than usual, and my anxiety became ever present. I didn’t have a panic attack, luckily, but the impending torture made it quite difficult to focus on much else. Today would be the day I met some of the inner circle, at the very least Leliana. In the game, I liked Leliana, I often enjoyed her tactics on war table missions. But actually meeting her in the flesh was terrifying. She won’t take any bullshit and would have no reservations against destroying my bag to get the gun. 

She couldn’t have the gun either. I didn’t want anyone in Thedas to have it. It may just be a single gun but that could and would expand into assault weapons, machine guns, bombs, etc... Who knows how long it would take for them to invent an atom bomb?

No, the gun would need to stay hidden while I was held as a prisoner. That meant my bag itself would need to be hidden because I was NOT going to just hide a gun out with no protection. Sure, my backpack wasn’t adequate protection but at least people in Thedas had no idea how to work zippers. A zipper was better than nothing. 

Where would be the best place to hide it? I would have to hide it before Haven, but close enough that I would be able to get to it if need be. It didn’t feel right to just stash it somewhere. I still wanted my things. My toothpaste, deodorant, even my phone; although I haven’t used it once since I arrived. I missed my music. I could sing but obviously it wasn’t the same. Once I proved myself to be believed and useful I’d be able to use my phone, at least in private. I assumed that only the ‘important’ people in Haven will know of my origins and the like. 

Important people... the Herald. I still didn’t know who the Herald was. Part of me wanted it to be one of my own, but the other didn’t want that at all. It would feel too weird. _Like this isn’t weird enough._ It would almost feel like I created them, I mean I would have but it almost made me feel like I’d be their creator, like a god or something. No, I didn’t want the Herald to be one of mine. Hopefully they weren’t bad, that would be the worst case scenario. 

I never played through the other games, just Inquisition, but I knew a good amount of what occurs. After I had finished Inquisition I had read through the storylines of the first two and ordered them both. _Looks like I’ll never play them._ I hoped Morrigan wasn’t a mother, a child with the soul of an old god sounded like bad news. _No thank you._ I also hoped that Alistair was King, even though I had read he didn’t want it. Adamant was terrible enough, but if Alistair would be there in Stroud’s stead... 

Adamant, now there was a heartbreaking decision. I agonized over having to leave someone behind. The amount of times I reloaded to see if there was another way to complete it without making that choice was ridiculous. How could you choose to leave someone behind? Maybe because this is real life, there will be another option that saves both Hawke and whoever has the unfortunate position of falling into the fade with them. Would it be Marian or Garett? Mage, rogue, or warrior? Who did they romance, if any? There were so many variables that I had given myself a headache. 

“Would you look at tha’...” Dak awed, pulling me from my headache inducing thought process. I looked up to where he had been looking and froze. The breach. _Holy shit._

The game had done the breach a large injustice. It wasn’t like anything I’ve ever seen before, game included. It most closely resembled a huge tornado in shape. Large masses of earth floated within the disgusting green that I still fucking despised. The clouds molded around the vortex of color that stained the blue sky. It was horrific and if I hadn’t known what was going to happen, I would’ve been praying to whatever deity my mind could think of. It was no wonder these people thought what’s-their-face was the Herald of Andraste. _Shiiit, I would too._

“It’s so big now.” Dalish remarked as she stared up at it as well. 

“So big now?” I asked confused. “How long have we been able to see it?”

“A few days at least.” She answered. 

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked back up at the swirling wound. “Why haven’t I noticed it before?” I asked myself quietly. 

Bull chuckled as he walked closer to the cart. “Because your awareness of your surroundings is shit.”

I sucked my teeth offended. “I was talking to myself!”

“My apologies.” He placed his right hand over his heart as he mock apologized. “Please don’t let me interrupt.”

I scoffed to cover my snort. “It’s not as fun now.” I mumbled. “Shouldn’t you be at the back of the group?”

“Don’t have anyone falling behind.” He winked at me before he shrugged. “We’re almost there anyway, the Inquisition would have soldiers patrolling the area.”

“We are?!” I whipped my head in the direction we’d been traveling in. At first I didn’t see much besides snow and trees, but the more I looked and the closer we got the walls of Haven appeared in the distance. I swallowed. _I hadn’t even hid my backpack yet._ Where was I supposed to hide it? Just out in the open like an idiot. _Uh, I think the fuck not._ My next idea was arguably on par with that one, but it was the only one that made any type of sense, as well as no sense. 

I looked back at Bull with wide and pleading eyes. “I need to ask a favor of you.”

He raised his brow in question and gestures for me to continue.

I hesitated a moment before taking a deep breath. “Will you keep my pack safe?”

He looked mildly surprised at my request. As much as he would let show, anyway. I didn’t blame him, it was crazy to ask. 

Before he answered I quickly added, “Untouched.”

He chuckled. “How would I keep it safe if I can’t touch it?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. He knew what I meant, he’s just acting dumb. “Unopened then.”

He thought it over for longer than I would have liked. I knew Bull had honor, and that if he promised or made a deal he would keep it. The problem was if he wanted to please the Qun more than keep his word. But judging by the amount of time he took to think about it, it meant he was taking it seriously. He was warring over how he follows the Qun and how much he values his honor. I could only hope he valued his honor more. 

“Alright.” The single word lifted such a weight from my chest that I could’ve collapsed. He would keep it out of anyone’s grasp. 

“Thank you.” I breathed out. I knew he had some understanding of how important I thought it was to keep away from people but he had no idea how dangerous it would actually be were it to fall into the wrong hands. I pulled the wool blanket around me tighter. “If I die, I need you to destroy the entire pack.”

He rolled his eye. “You’re not going to die.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But, you should.” He quietly countered. 

I looked around to the others. Both Dalish and Skinner had moved to the front to talk with Krem. They wouldn’t have heard Bull’s comment. 

“It doesn’t work like that.” I angrily whispered back at Bull.

He shrugged. “I don’t think the Herald guy would let that happen.” _The Herald is male._

“Well, based on what you’ve said,” I pointed out, “he was still on the Storm Coast when we left. And would be for a few days after.”

“Then you just have to last a few days.” 

I snorted humorlessly. “Right.” I shook my head a turned back towards Haven. I grew closer and closer. I could hear the sounds of metal swords clashing and shouts. I shrugged off the blanket to remove my backpack. After maneuvering some of the supplies, I covered my backpack and wrapped myself up in the blanket like it was a cloak, making sure to cover as much of my clothing as possible. It would be best to blend until Leliana would know what to do with me. The bottom of my jeans and sneakers would be out but then again, how often does the average person look at someone’s feet? 

The sounds of sparring and instructions being shouted increased. An authoritative voice stood out amongst the rest. One I knew well. Commander Cullen Rutherford. I searched him out through the sea of recruits. There were plenty more than what was shown in the game. Even Haven was bigger. The several tents outside Haven’s walls in the game were actually closer to twenty-five maybe some more in another area. The rest of the Chargers were camped outside the walls as well, they were running drills with some of the Inquisitions recruits as well. 

I finally found Cullen instructing a group of recruits. The fur mantle was a dead giveaway in identifying him, even if he didn’t wear it I’m sure I’d still be able to spot him. He made quite the imposing figure. He stood tall and important as he drilled recruits, an absolute authority. His voice cut through shouts and colliding metal like a hot knife through butter. The sun reflected off his armor as well as his golden hair. True to game, Cullen was one beautiful man. 

I noticed that a bit. Everyone I had seen from the game obviously looked how they did in game but more real and more often than not, more attractive. Funnily enough, none I’ve seen were less attractive so there’s that. Bull was more attractive, Cullen was more attractive, _If that was even possible_ and I wouldn’t doubt the rest of the inner circle was more attractive as well. Thedas certainly had pretty people protecting it. 

We stopped where Bull’s tent would be set in game and everyone began to unwind as well as unload the cart, myself included. I hid my bag among the rest of the supplies we unloaded. As Bull’s tent was being set up a familiar voice greeted Bull. 

“You must be The Iron Bull of the Bull’s Chargers.” A sweet Orleasian accent that made my blood run cold spoke. 

“I am.” Bull greeted. “And you must be the spymaster.”

“Yes,” Leliana agreed, “your men said you would be delayed. I trust that everything is alright.” I stood hidden behind Vitriol as I tended to him while I eavesdropped. I didn’t even want to chance taking a peak in fear of giving myself away of my nosiness. They began to exchange small pleasantries. Bull explained that we had encountered a larger sized bandit party while traveling but I didn’t hear much else as they walked away. He must’ve knew I’d be trying to listen. _Dick._

I shook my head and sighed before giving my full attention to Vitriol. Grim had unhitched him from the cart. I took ahold of his bridle and ushered him along towards where I could smell horse. It must’ve looked quite the sight, a giant of an animal being led by myself. Vitriol gave no lip being led by me as we neared the stables; also larger. I saw the other three horses that belonged to the Chargers in there. “Look it’s your friends!” I chuckled to him. He nickered towards the other three. 

I tied Vitriol to one of the fence posts and began to untack him. To pull the cart he wore a type of harness that was pretty heavy. Grim had taught me how to take it off and I knew how but he always helped to lift it off because I was apparently a short ass human. _5’5 is average!_ I sighed heavily and looked around. “Alright, Buddy, there’s gotta be something I could stand on.” Hay was scattered all over the ground. Barrels and boxes filled with horse feed and extra tack were spread around the stables. None of them looked light enough to move. 

“A stool or step ladder, anything?” I mumbled to myself as I walked around.

“Need anything?” A gruff voiced asked. I turned to see what appeared to be a stable hand. He wasn’t old but he was older. If I had to guess, I’d say late-forties or early-fifties. He had dark brown hair that was tied back and a full, but short, beard. A dark brown tunic was tucked into even darker breeches that had dirt patches all over both. 

“Uh, a stool or something I could stand on?” I responded and stood up straight like I had been caught doing something I shouldn’t. I subtly made sure my clothing was covered with the blanket as he faced me.

“Alright,” he nodded, “one moment.” He walked out of the stables and quickly returned with what looked like a step ladder. 

“Perfect.” I smiled as he placed it in front of me. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s no issue.” He brushed off. “I could take care of him for you, no trouble.”

“Thank you but I can handle it.” I answered as I grabbed it and placed it next to Vitriol. “He’s been my duty for almost two weeks now.”

He hummed. “A little slip like you takes care of a beast like him?” He acted like I was lying to him, like I couldn’t possibly take care of Vitriol. I was a little offended.

I furrowed my brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He chuckled and I wanted to hit him. “My apologies, but you are a bit small and delicate.”

I scoffed. “I think I can manage.” I held my tongue from saying anymore. I couldn’t tell if he was being a dick unintentionally or on purpose. 

I turned away from him and began to unbelt parts of Vitriol’s harness. I could still feel the stablehand’s eyes burning into my back but I ignored it. Once all lower belts had been undone I stepped up the small step ladder to lift off the harness. When I shifted it to get my hands underneath it, I realized just how much it weighed when it was just me. I closed my eyes and subtly took a deep breath. I was not going to give this fucker the satisfaction that it was heavy. I was way too stubborn and proud for that. 

I mustered all the strength I could a lifted the deceivingly heavy harness from Vitriol’s back. I had to have been at least fifty pounds of dead weight. Fifty pounds for Vitriol wasn’t a lot, but for me, it was over a third of my weight. _Don’t let him see you struggle._ I maintained my grip of the harness and slowly stepped down the small ladder. In camp the harness would usually be placed over a log or on the cart. But in the stables there were designated horizontal posts to drape tack over. 

I waddled over to one and heaved the heavy leather over the wooden post. I couldn’t help the release of air that rushed from my lungs after being relieved of the weight. 

A loud chuckle reminded me that the stablehand was still here. “You are a stubborn one.” He commented before leaving. 

“Dick.” I whispered to myself and finished tending to Vitriol by brushing him down before placing him into an open stall next to one of the other giant horses that belonged to the Chargers. I found some apples and gave one to each of the four. I made sure to give Vitriol extra pets before exiting the stables. 

The now empty cart was placed to the right of Bull’s now erected tent. The rest of the Chargers had placed their tents not too far from Bull’s, they were on the other side of the dirt road facing Haven’s gates. I didn’t get much time to appreciate the sight of Haven before two scouts stepped on either side of me. 

Before I could say anything Leliana stepped out from beside the stables and stood with her arms clasped behind her back. “Follow me.” She commanded and walked towards the gates of Haven. 

_Here we go._


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

I was right. I was immediately led into the Chantry and down into the cells. I didn’t even look around inside the walls of Haven, my sole focus was on what was about to occur. Leliana didn’t speak after her initial ‘follow me’. Her accent was smooth and pleasantly pitched. If she didn’t terrify me right now, I would’ve thought it soothing to listen to. 

Her appearance matched the games depiction; the purple hood, the leather armor with chain mail panels, and the metal armor that adorned her legs except it didn’t look as bulky. The metal was sleek against her and allowed for easy movement. She looked every bit as threatening as she was. 

Once we arrived at the cells beneath the Chantry, she stepped to the side to reveal a lone wooden chair in the middle of the floor. _Physical torture..._

“Sit.” She commanded and I quickly sat in the chair. She slowly looked me over as she walked around me. “The Iron Bull says you fell from a rift as the Herald had.”

I swallowed and nodded. “I did.” It’s best to keep my answers direct, no playing like I had with Bull. But I didn’t want to just spit out that I was from another world and I know what was supposed to happen, that would be way too much. 

She remained quiet as she stopped and stared at me. Her gaze burned through me and felt like she could lay me bare just by looking at me. “He tells me you know things, though you are no spy.”

I shook my head rapidly. “I’m not a spy.”

“I can see you are no spy.” She remarked and continued to circle me as a shark would that had smelled fresh blood. “He claims no spy could know what you do.”

“No, they couldn’t.” I agreed. My posture was the best it’s ever been as I sat rod straight and barely moved a muscle. 

“I admit that I am curious as to what knowledge could cause a Qunari Ben-Hassrath to waiver.” She stopped her circling directly in front on me. I didn’t know much about Leliana from Origins and so on, but I had read her wiki page... or at least skimmed. If she were to ask for some deep knowledge I had of her, I only had a couple. Most of what I knew of her was from future events. 

“I can offer some,” I suggested, “though it may not be what you expect, Sister Nightingale.”

I could’ve sworn I saw the edge of her mouth twitch in the slightest way, but it was probably just my imagination. Leliana was too good to have a tell. 

“Spymaster Leliana will do.” She corrected. “Go on.”

“Very well, Spymaster Leliana.” I gripped tight at the blanket that still hung around my shoulders. “You traveled with the hero of Fereldan during the blight when you were just a lay sister. You were born in Orlais, but your mother was Fereldan and you consider yourself so.”

She rolled her shoulders back. “Not common knowledge, but not impossible to know.” She declared and looked to her two scouts who stood guard. One began to move towards me at her silent instruction. I frantically searched my brain for a deeper bit of knowledge. I only had one more past Leliana nugget and I hoped this would satisfy her. 

“Your earliest memory!” I rushed out and she quickly raised her hand to stop her scout. “It was of your mother and the scent of her dress as you held hands with a view of the Waking Sea and gardens of lavender and sweet orange.” That was it, the was pretty much all my past knowledge of Leliana. I had to admit though, the memory might actually be the most convincing tidbit of information I could pull. 

This time I know I saw a flicker of something in Leliana’s stone of a face. If I thought her gaze burned before the look she gave me would’ve set me up in ashes instantly all the while her face as hard as a rock. _Please don’t kill me._

“Who are you?” She finally questioned. The first one she’s asked. I practically let out a sigh of relief as I spoke. 

“My name is Jessabelle Rivers.” I answered. “And I am not from Thedas.”

She mulled over my answer. “Not from Thedas? The Iron Bull said as much.” She said. “He also spoke of your knowledge of the future.” _Oh boy._

She believed me. She believed that I knew my shit. Now is when it’d get tricky. Leliana would surely demand me tell her. 

“I know what is supposed to happen, yes.” I corrected. I didn’t want her to think I’d be able to account for changes not in the game. And lo and behold, she noticed my change of words.

“Supposed to happen, does that mean it can change?” She asked. 

“I would assume so.” I answered weakly. “It already has in a sense.” She tilted her head in question. “I am not supposed to be here.” I clarified. 

“Ah,” she nodded “but you are so things have changed.”

“Yes.” I nodded, grateful she understood. 

“To what extent, I wonder.” She pondered and asked the question I will not give answer to. “What is it that is supposed to happen?”

I shook my head. “I will not say.”

She didn’t like that answer. “No?” She grew rigid and her eyes cut like knives.

I swallowed and shook my head again. She looked back over to the same scout as before and gave a slight nod in my direction before turning to leave. The scout grabbed my upper arm, causing me to yelp, and pulled me up from the chair. The other scout opened one of the cells to the right and the first shoved me into it. The cell door locked shut as Leliana spoke without turning back to me. “We will see.” She left with the two scouts. 

That was hours ago. Since then a single guard had been placed near the door of my cell to guard me as if I was any threat. The cell I was in was small, I could lay down and be able to touch the opposite wall if I reached for it. Three of the cell's walls were cold gray stone blocks while the front was metal bars. The floor was also made of the same gray stone as the walls. A single bedroll was placed in the back left corner and a pot of some sort to the back right. _A chamber pot. Eugh!_

I had almost gotten used to going to the ‘bathroom’ outside, at the very least it was private. But now, I was held as a prisoner which meant no privacy when relieving myself. The amount of disgust I felt at that pot made my skin crawl. It would just sit there until whoever deemed it necessary to remove, if the deemed to remove it at all. 

I could understand why Leliana took me as a prisoner, no matter how much I didn’t like it. I was relieved that she wouldn’t physically torture me, I had no idea how I would handle that. Bull said mental torture. If her mental torture was just leaving me in here to rot, I think I could stand it longer than her actively torturing me. 

I asked the guard how long until she’d check on me, but he didn’t answer me, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence. That’s when I figured one of her tactics would be isolation, no contact. All I was able to do was pace the small cell and think to myself. 

After those first few hours, the guard changed, he didn’t speak either. I had bored myself with pacing and sat on the rolled out bedroll. Down in the cells was cold, only enhanced by the stones. I was grateful I still had the blanket I had fashioned as a cloak, I would need it. My thoughts raced constantly about how Leliana would get me to talk of the future, but I couldn’t let her know. The butterfly effect had always been a sturdy theory to me, I didn’t want already bad events become worse. Who knows what effects I had already started. 

It had been six, or so, hours in silence. I knew silence was deafening but no one really talks about how much the tiniest sound is amplified as if it were over a loud-speaker. When I sniffled, I could’ve sworn it echoed as if I screamed. I knew total silence was causing me to become restless. My foot began to tap to make some noise, I just needed something. And when that foot got tired, I switched. 

I noticed the guard began to shift at my constant tapping, he was getting annoyed. I smirked and continued to tap. Maybe he’ll say something and bring some more noise.

He never did, and again a guard shift happened. It must’ve been another three hours or so then. That’s the patterned I noticed. Every three hours the guards would shift. And the new guard brought a bowl of what looked like a mix between vomit and oatmeal, and a cup of water. _My dinner I guess._ Nine hours, it was later in the evening, a little late for dinner.

He placed on the stone floor and pushed it through the bars with his foot. I grimaced but pulled the wooden bowl to me to get a closer look. It had to have been some type of stew mixed with grits or something. The smell of it was off, it must have been old. It was cold, the liquid of the stew had congealed. I put it to the side, I was not going to make myself sick and be forced to used the pot. I did sip on the water, though not as much as I should. 

I had bored myself again with tapping and decided that I would just sleep. I tucked myself in and snuggled into the wool blanket as much as I could. It wasn’t the warmest but it would have to do. _I miss the Chargers._

I had grown accustomed to being with the Chargers all day everyday. Suddenly being with out them was worse than actually being in a cell at that point. The days I had wasted being angry with them bugged me worse than before. I had been angry with them for laughing at something they thought had been funny. I had been furious with Bull for pulling such a cruel prank when it wasn’t even a prank at all, he had been trying to help me. And he kind of did, when he chased me, I had forgotten all about my panic. He was right. And I ignored all of them for it. 

As my eyes began to shut a loud crash of metal startled me out of my almost sleep. I sat up and looked at the cell door with wide-eyes. The guard held a long metal rod against the cell’s bars. He didn’t say anything and stood back at attention. _What the fuck was that about?_

“Did you want my attention or something?” I shifted closer and asked. He didn’t respond, only stared straight ahead at nothing. I couldn’t see his features, some type of metal helmet concealed him from my view. After a while of no response I laid back down just as another shift change occurred. It must’ve been around midnight. The heaviness of my eyes became too much and I closed them. 

And again the loud clash of metal on metal shocked me awake. I glared at the new guard who resumed his stance. _What is going on?_ I ignored him and laid back down, closing my eyes. The clashing of the metal didn’t startle me this time, but when I didn’t make any movement cold water had been thrown on me. I immediately sat up with a shriek and scowled at the guard. “What the fuck!?”

He dropped a wood cup into a basin of water I hadn’t noticed before and, once again, resumed his stance. I shivered as the cold water sent ice straight to the center of my being. And that’s when I finally understood, they weren’t going to allow me to sleep. That’s why they were here. Not because I was any threat, but to prevent me from sleeping. Leliana was going to keep me awake. Her method of torture for me was sleep deprivation...


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW for mild torture, I think it's called 'soft' torture

By the time I had realized Leliana was going to deprive me of sleeping, I had already been awake for almost twenty-four hours as it was. The morning we arrived here I had been up since what had to have been three or four AM. I was tired but I’ve pulled all-nighters before, twenty-four hours wasn’t what I was scared of, it was thirty-six, forty-eight, sixty, and so on. I had never stayed up longer than maybe twenty-eight and it was terrible. What would two days straight do to me?

But that was eight hours ago. I knew that because of the shift changes, the only thing I could use to keep track of time. My realization had to have been around one AM and there had been two more guard changes after that which meant it had been eight hours, IF the guards changed every three hours. So if I had been awake since three or four that meant that I had been awake for twenty-nine or thirty hours, and I was exhausted. 

I had noticed that it wasn’t totally silent. The current guard that had been on watch breathed loudly, almost like it was a pant. He definitely breathed from his mouth opposed to his nose. It’ll be upsetting when he leaves, but I was hopeful of his return. I wasn’t given breakfast, I assumed it was because I didn’t eat the bowl of diarrhea they tried to pass off as dinner. It still sat untouched next to the bars of my cell. 

I didn’t try to sleep after last night. I position myself on the floor against the left cell wall. It was the best angle to watch the guards tasked with watching me. They were really the only thing I could focus on, and even that seemed to be difficult. _Bull said to keep focus on something!_ It was hard. I tried to keep ‘Don’t fuck up the world’ on repeat in my head, but I was getting so tired. 

Even though it didn’t try to sleep, the heaviness of my eyelids were hard to ignore. And, without fail, every time my eyes closed or my head drooped down I could expect the metal rod or a cup of icy water to wake me up again. 

Another guard change happened and mouth-breather was gone. I was gonna miss him a little. The new guard was a woman this time, tall too. It appeared that I was the shortest human here, which was dumb as shit. Back home I was average, maybe even on the taller side of average since the average height for a female was about 5’4ish. But here, in Thedas, I haven’t seen another human my height, unless they were young. 

I thought that medieval gigantism was a myth, but I guess that didn’t apply to other fucking worlds. I was actually starting to get annoyed about it and I didn’t know why. It was just height. 

I wondered what happens to a person during sleep deprivation. I knew that after too long they’d die, but what happened in between? Would Leliana let me die? No, she’d be too stubborn for that. She’d let me recover then do it all over again.

How long would I last? I’d break eventually but a part of me wanted to prove I could hold out. _Hold out for what?_

Again the guards changed. And again my head dipped with my eyes closed. And again the loud crash of metal. “I’m up!” I seethed. My eyes burned with lack of sleep. I felt lethargic and almost slow in a way. My movements felt like I was trying to wade through water. My brain felt numb. And I was hungry, my stomach was sure to tell me about it. I still wouldn’t touch the food poison. My cup of water was low and I still sipped on it, though it would soon run out. Hopefully they’d give me more water, at least. 

I still didn’t use the pot, and I wasn’t going to if I could help it. Sitting down definitely helped from needing to use it. 

Another guard change. This one brought another bowl. He grabbed the untouched one and kicked the new one towards me. It looked the same is the first and I grimaced. The last guard took the old bowl with him as he left. I held my water cup to the new guard. “Can I get some more water?”

I almost let out a sigh of relief as he grabbed the cup through the bars. He dunked the wooden cup in the water basin before handing it back to me. I thanked him and took a small sip of the cold water before placing it to my right. This guard had been the most responsive yet, sure he didn’t speak but he gave me water.

“What’s your name?” I asked him. My own voice sound weird as it broke the silence. It almost sounded like it didn’t belong to me. It rasped and croaked. I cleared my throat. “Mine’s Jessa.” I answered when he didn’t. My voice still sounded weird but it didn’t croak and rasp this time. Still he remained silent. “Ugh.” I grunted and crossed my arms. I wondered if this was the same guard who brought me the food yesterday. He looked the same, but they all kinda had the same look to them. 

All of a sudden a loud crash of metal caused me to jump. “I’m awake!” I didn’t even realize I had began to fall asleep. _This is fucked up._ I couldn’t even count how often I was yawning. It felt constant. And soon the metal became an almost constant. Apparently I wasn’t even noticing that I was falling asleep. And of course when the metal wouldn’t work, cold water did the trick.

I was almost completely wet with icy cold water in a freezing stone cell. My shivering only ached my entire body with only caused me to exhaust myself even more than I already was. The next tine the water doused me I snapped. “What the fuck do you expect me to do!? Sew my fucking eyes open!?” I yelled and slammed my hand against the bars. “I’m trying!”

The guard didn’t answer and by the time the guards switched I’d been doused once more but he’d resumed the metal rod method. Thankfully so did the new guard, a woman this time; not as tall as the last, but still taller than me, with warm darker skin like cinnamon. It was after the seventh time she struck the bars with the rod that I stooped to lower methods. If I couldn’t get peace neither would they. 

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!” I started to loudly sing. “Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-eight bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall...” I continued to sing loud and obnoxiously which wasn’t hard since my voice was obviously not at it’s best between not using it and shivering so hard I was surprised I hadn’t bitten my tongue off. 

By the time I got to fifty-five, the guard had been clenching her fists here and there. I smirked as I sang, pleased that it was working. Annoying the guard was the best way to use my focus, rather than just repeat my ‘don’t fuck up the world’ mantra over and over again. My words slurred together but she got the point. 

“Thirty bottles of beer on the wall, thirty bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, twenty-nine bottles of beer on the wall!” 

When I finished the awful song, I heard the tiniest sigh of relief so I chuckled darkly. “One more time!” I cheered and began the song again. And again. And again. 

I must’ve sang it about seven times in total. Almost seven hundred bottles of beer. I had to give my guard credit, the most she did was tighten her fists and groan the tiniest bit. Cullen trained them well, or was it Leliana? Though they weren’t scouts, they were soldiers, so Cullen then. I was about half way through the eighth encore when another guard came to relieve the woman. 

I changed my song choice for this one. The first song that came into my head was...

“When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be  
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you  
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be  
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you  
If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be  
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you  
And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you.

But I would walk five hundred miles  
And I would walk five hundred more  
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles  
To fall down at your door.”

It’s not the best song in the world but I was aiming for annoying. I could tell he was confused but he barely showed it. He head tilted toward me to hear better as I sang loudly and horribly. 

I felt like I was slowly losing my mind, like I wasn’t even there sometimes. As I sang it almost brought a sense of solidification. A loud clang of metal caused me to flinch. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. I didn’t know where I was in the song anymore, so I guessed and jumped to the end.

“But I would walk five hundred miles  
And I would walk five hundred more  
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles  
To fall down at your door!

Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta  
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da!  
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta  
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da!  
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta  
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da!  
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta  
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da!

And I would walk five hundred miles  
And I would walk five hundred more  
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles  
To fall down at your door!”

I remained quiet after I finished the song and looked around. The cell was dark, the only light in the chamber was coming from a few lit candles that casted shadows all around. I leaned toward the pot a little and stared at it. It looked like there was something in it. I squinted my eyes, trying to bring whatever it was into focus but couldn’t. It looked like a black blurry mass. As I continued to stare at it, I felt something tickle my neck and I slapped at it with a squeak. I pulled my hand away but there was nothing on it. I pulled off the almost frozen blanket along with my sweatshirt and looked for what could’ve caused the tickle. I wiped at my neck and looked at my hand again, still nothing. I furrowed my brows and looked back at the pot, nothing was there anymore. _What the fuck was that?_

I had stopped shivering, which wasn’t a good sign. And even worse, all my moving had really shifted my bladder and I had to pee. Although at this point, I didn’t care. My bladder was almost bursting. I moved over to the pot and stared at it. It was dark enough that I would be sort of hidden and that was good enough. I quickly unzipped and pulled my jeans down with my underwear. I almost didn’t make it in time. I practically felt my bladder deflating as I went. 

When I finished and pulled my jeans back up I sat back where I was. My sweatshirt and blanket were freezing and I didn’t want to put the back on. _Oh well. I’m not cold anymore so why would I put freezing clothing back on?_

“Because it’s cold...” I mumbled to myself absentmindedly. “No shivering in cold is bad...” I continued to converse with myself for a while. Only through mumbles, most of it unintelligible. I laid my legs straight out and knocked my sneakers together as I talked with myself. I’d even made myself laugh. _I am damn funny sometimes._

The sound of a door opening broke me out of my thoughts. Another guard change. Although after ten minutes I instantly perked up. It was mouth-breather. I laughed manically and greeted him. “You’re back!” I leaned toward the bars. “I don’t know if they told you but I’ve been singing! Though it was to annoy them as much as possible.” I rambled on. “But I like you! You breathe louder and it’s not so quiet then, so I’ll sing you one I like!”

I leaned back against the wall and took the last swig of my water I held it out to him in request before clearing my throat. Both to get his attention and to actually clear my throat so I would sound good. He grabbed my cup and gave me more water. 

“This is by a group called Panic! At the disco.

Back to the street where we began  
Feeling as good as lovers can, you know  
Yeah, we're feeling so good  
Pickin' up things we shouldn't read  
Looks like the end of history as we know  
It's just the end of the world  
Back to the street where we began  
Feeling as good as love, you could, you can.”

The irony of the end of the world line wasn’t lost on me. It almost made me laugh. He seemed to enjoy it as far as I could tell I even noticed his head bobbed to it every now and then. Only ever so slight but I saw it. 

“Back to the street  
Down to our feet  
Losing the feeling of feeling unique  
Do you know what I mean?  
Back to the place  
Where we used to say  
Man it feels good to feel this way  
Now I know what I mean  
Back to the street  
Back to the place  
Back to the room where it all began, hey  
Back to the room where it all began  
Cause it's nine in the afternoon  
Your eyes are the size of the moon  
You could cause you can so you do  
We're feeling so good  
Just the way that we do  
When it's nine in the afternoon  
Your eyes are the size of the moon  
You could cause you can so you do  
We're feeling so good  
Just the way that we do  
When it's nine in the afternoon  
Your eyes are the size of the moon  
You could cause you can so you do  
We're feeling so good  
Just the way that we do  
When it's nine in the afternoon.”

When I finished I waited for a response but I knew I wouldn’t get one. Instead of just waiting, I sang some more songs by Panic! At the disco. I sang ‘This is Gospel’ and ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’.

After I finished I spoke to him again but he never answered me. At least he didn’t change the way he breathed, I could at least act as if it was his answer. I spoke to him about nonsense, not on purpose but that was really all that came out. He bashed the rod several times throughout his shift. The more I was forced to stay awake, the less I was aware of falling asleep. I couldn’t even tell I had fallen out and I would be mid-sentence before all of sudden the bars rang as he struck the rod against them. Each time I yelled out that I wasn’t sleeping or that I was awake but I couldn’t tell anymore. 

As I talked at mouth-breather the door to the chamber loudly opened and multiple sets of foot steps were heard. Had it really been three hours already? I saw no one as mouth-breather stepped out of my view. But another guard never took his place, Leliana stepped into my line of sight and looked at me. _She’s fucking pretty._

“How are you feeling?” Her pleasing accent soothed my being. She appeared concerned. “A guard told me that you have stopped shivering.”

She was concerned about me. That was... odd. “You... Care?” I asked with wide eyes and crawled as close as I could to the bars. 

“Of course.” She smiled. “I can have someone fetch another blanket for you.” She offered. 

“That would be amazing.” I half-slurred, half-mumbled out as I grasped at the bars and slumped against them. 

“All you have to do is tell me something that is to come.” She chirped happily. “And you’ll get your blanket.”

I’d have to tell her something? I couldn’t, it’d be bad, right? “I can’t...” I shook my head. “If I tell, it could change.”

“If you tell me,” she soothed, “I’ll have these guards allow you to sleep with a blanket that is not wet.” 

It sounded so good, a warm blanket, I could finally sleep. No metal, no freezing water, just restful, blissful sleep. How marvelous that sounded. It would just be one thing right? How bad could one thing be...

As I opened my mouth to tell her, Bull’s voice rang throughout my head. ‘They’ll make it seem as thought they’re your savior, they’re not.’ _She’s not my savior._ But sleep sounded so perfect, I was so tired. Tears began to stream down my face, I just wanted to sleep. It’s just one thing. _She’s not your savior._ “I... I can’t.” I croaked out. 

The concern on her face instantly dropped and was back to her neutrally calculated gaze of indifference. “Very well.” She responded and left, leaving a new guard to take mouth-breather’s place. I cried some more only until I’d unknowingly fall out but was ultimately brought back by the loud crash of the metal rod. _I just want to sleep!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs she sang were;   
> '99 bottles' though I think everyone knows that.  
> 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)' by The Proclaimers.  
> and 'Nine in the Afternoon' by Panic! At the Disco


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW for sleep deprivation

I didn’t have it in me to bother any of the guards with annoying songs. After Leliana had left I cried for a while, fell asleep several times apparently and zoned out. I laid on my side and faced the left cell wall. I wasn’t interested in watching the guards anymore. Instead I quietly sang to myself songs that soothed me. And because the guard couldn’t see me, every time I stopped making some type of noise, the rod would crash against the bars. 

When I heard the chamber door open I knew a new guard would take the last ones place. Eventually I had stopped singing to myself and turned the other way so the guards could see that I was awake. My mind was jumbled and I couldn’t remember most of the songs I knew anyway. 

Time didn’t feel as real anymore. Between crashes of metal, I had began to see things that weren’t there and feel things crawling on me or at least touching me. Occasionally I’d hear whispering, but only if I turned my head a certain way, so I didn’t turn it that way. 

And the chamber door opened and a new guard took their place. My eyes constantly wandered the cell and watched my hallucinations. Most of them took the shapes of blobs, like cartoon amoebas or something. When I wasn’t watching them, I stared at my hands that changed all the time. At one point they had claws, that was cool for a while until I something tickled my arm and I was too scared to scratch it. 

Unfortunately, not all my hallucinations were clawed hands and cartoon blobs. A decent amount were terrifying shadows that lurked just beyond the dim light of the candles. They twisted and bent in unnatural jerking ways as they reached for me. I could feel the scrape of their touch but whenever I slapped my hand against my arm nothing was there. So whenever I saw those, I would squeeze my eye shut. I’d rather deal with the rod bash than see those shadows.

The chamber door opened and did so again, and again, and again. I barely took any notice when one of them switched my untouched bowl of gross food. I knew I was starving but I could barely register it. 

Maybe I was the video game character... maybe this whole thing was a new sort of virtual thing. What if it was so advanced that I could actually feel pain in it? I already had felt pain. I wouldn’t have actually killed a dude. I could do anything. I could save all the people in Haven, I could save Hawke and whoever is pulled into the fade, I could save them. If things got worse I could just reset. 

I began to laugh manically at my epiphany. I could outlast Leliana’s method for as long as I wanted because it wasn’t even real! I could leave this cell now if I wanted. There had to be a key around to open it. This had to have been a quest. As I crawled around my cell and looked for the key to unlock the cell door I saw one of my amoebas. It was yellow and I called it Dancer cause it wiggled around a lot. It flowed over to the lock on the door before disappearing. Maybe there was a glitch on it or something. I pressed my finger against the lock light enough to not notify the guard. It didn’t move nor did I move through it like I thought I might. No glitch then. _Thanks a lot Dancer._

The chamber door opened a new guard took their place. 

The more I lost my mind, the louder the whisper became even if I didn’t turn my head in that certain way. I couldn’t get rid of it. It was always there, just whispering loud enough to hear but not enough to understand what it was saying. My amoebas developed physically into little cartoon characters that resembled stick figures. There weren’t many, only four. A red one, the yellow one, a blue one, and an oddly familiar gray one. Dancer was a dick who always tried to get me to push on the cell door even though we’d already went over that it wasn’t glitched. 

They weren’t large, maybe a foot tall. But one in particular was about two feet; it was the gray with two lines bend upwards that stuck out of its head. It didn’t do much except stand in the back left corner of the cell and watch me. I didn’t name that one since all it seemed to do was silently judge me. 

The chamber door opened and a new guard took their place. This one brought a new bowl of vomit that I still won’t eat. Especially because my hallucinations turned it into worms. _No thank you._ My hunger wasn’t bothering me much anymore. The pain of the emptiness in my belly numbed as my mind tripped out. I knew my mind was tripping out. For brief moments my mind would clear and I would realized I was fucked up, but then it would slip from my grasp when the crash of metal would sink me further into my delusions. 

I couldn’t count how many times I heard the metal strike against the bars, but the water was used rarely, only when I hadn’t heard the metal. _How could I not hear that fucking thing..._

I didn’t even know what time it was. Sure I received food, if it could be called that, but I didn’t know what time it was. The only light I had was from the few candles. It could be morning, afternoon, evening, or even the dead of night and I would have no idea. Was I getting three meals a day? _Probably not._ The only thing I kept count of was how many times the guards changed, so far twenty-two guards have stood watch over me.

I didn’t even know how I kept track of them. Maybe it was one of my stick figures, the red one possibly. That one looked smart, like it knew math. My favorite was the blue one, it gave me the sense of relaxation, something I desperately wanted. The yellow one, Dancer, annoyed me, trying to make me phase through the dumb cell door. But at least these three interacted with me, the bigger one just stood there for no reason. _Shouldn’t my hallucinations, I don’t know, like me?_

The chamber door opened and a new guard took their place. Twenty-three. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to hold out. I was literally losing my mind. This guard seemed to favor the water method as I was doused several times in what felt like a short amount of time. I hated the water. I had finally began to dry before he had to fuck it up. 

“Do you like music?” I croaked out. I didn’t wait for his non-answer before singing ninety-nine bottles at the top of my lungs, but this time I started at a thousand. I hated this guard, he was the worst out of all of them. He never used the rod, only water. When I would lose track of what I was doing, my red stick figure always brought me back, probably to the wrong place but it was close enough. It hated this guard too. All of them did, gray included. I didn’t know how I knew but I knew. Even the whisper hated him, it stopped as I sang/yelled. 

He hated me too. Even when I was alert he’d throw the icy water on me and it only caused me to yell louder, if it was even possible. I knew my voice would be shot after this but it was worth it. I wanted to break him so bad, I just wanted him to yell at me, just to prove I was more annoying than he was disciplined. Once I got to one hundred bottles he turned to me and opened his mouth to yell. _I did it!_

The chamber door opened and a new guard came to replace the hated one before he made a sound. I began to laugh madly at the hated guard. We both knew I broke him even if he didn’t get to scream back at me. He threw one more cup of ice cold water on me before the new guard took his place when he stormed away. I laughed even louder just to mock him until I heard the chamber door open and shut which indicated he was gone. 

I was completely soaked from head to toe after twenty-three left. A large puddle of the freezing water surrounded me, it was almost the entire floor of my cell. My bedroll that I couldn’t actually ‘bed’ in was drenched as were my blanket and sweatshirt that I had put to the side to dry. I had developed a small shiver that I had become used to and barely registered anymore, but with the ice cold water that streamed off me and the puddle I sat in, I started to shiver even more so. Which, in the grand scheme of things, was good. I had stopped shivering a while ago and the fact that I was doing so again must’ve been good sign. 

The new guard, twenty-four actually looked at me with hesitance. I had been wearing just a pair of jeans and a crop-top that were now completely drenched. Twenty-four glanced back at the door, back to me, and then left. _This is new..._

Where was he going? None of the previous guards had left their post. “Ooh, what fun!” I exclaimed excitedly as I gripped the bars and watched the guard until he disappeared from my sight completely. Not long after I heard the open and close of the chamber door. I was alone, no guard to watch me. I could sleep. 

I sat back down on my puddle and leaned against the wall. My head reacted against the stone blocks and I closed my eyes. Unfortunately, it didn’t feel like it lasted long as the chamber door slammed open and an angry voice was heard. A familiar angry voice.

“What is of such urgency that it could not wait?” The familiar voice demanded as two sets of footsteps walked echoed down the chamber. The smooth Fereldan accent instantly grabbed my attention. 

“I apologize, Ser,” an unconfident voice responded, “but I didn’t know what I should do.”

“Do about what?” The Fereldan asked angrily. “You demanded my presence from training my recruits and have yet to explain why!” Their voices got closer. 

My blue stick figure began to get excited.

“Almost there, Ser.” The weaker voice declared. “Recruit Belmont went too far with the prisoner.”

The Fereldan scoffed. “You brought me down here to see to the welfare of a prisoner?”

A voice sighed. And then, I could see them. Guard twenty-four and the magnificent Commander Cullen. 

I smiled widely. “Cullen!” His step faltered slightly before he continued with my guard to the front of my cell. He looked just marvelous even in the low light of the candles. He still wore his armor and the iconic mantle. “How exciting!”

He looked at me confused, he raised an eyebrow as he looked me over. “Have we met?” He asked. 

“No!” I shook my head, a smile still on my face. He waited for me to elaborate but I didn’t. Leliana hadn’t told me I could. 

When he realized he wasn’t going to get more than that he turned to the guard. “Why is she wet and without a shirt?”

I looked down at my crop top, a navy blue halter that looked black with water. “This is a shirt...” I mumbled to myself as I pulled on it. My stick figures agreed with me. “I know, I like this shirt too.” I grumbled. 

When I looked back up at the two, they had been watching my talk to nothing. I smiled at them. 

Cullen shook his head with an angrily confused sigh. “She’s wet why?”

The guard cleared his throat and stood at attention. “Spymaster Leliana said she is not to sleep. If she does, she must be awaken with the metal rod and if that doesn’t work, water.”

“Then the rod hasn’t been working?” Cullen asked and rubbed his face with his right hand. _He’s so pretty._

“It does,” Guard twenty-four defended, “but recruit Belmont only used the water, when I came to relieve him he was throwing water on her while she was awake.”

Cullen looked back over at me, I smiled back at him, and he looked back at twenty-four.

“I’m certain he had been doing so during his watch.” Twenty-four declared. 

“You could have informed me of this without having brought me down here.” Cullen said. 

“I wanted to request to move her cell and give her a new blanket, Ser.” Twenty-four requested. “Spymaster Leliana has all but declined my concerns.”

Cullen sighed. “Very well.” He agreed. “I’ll speak with her when I am able.” Twenty-four nodded and began to unlock my cell door. 

“Ooh! I’m getting a new room!” I cheered and tried to stand but fell back into the puddle on the hard stone floor with a grunt. 

“Careful.” Twenty-four warned as he gently took ahold of my left arm and helped me stand. My legs were weaker than they’ve ever been, I couldn’t even stand. Twenty-four placed an arm around my waist and the other under my knees and lifted me up. 

“Why can’t they walk?” I asked myself and poked at my right thigh. 

“You haven’t the energy.” Twenty-four explained. 

“You need to tell Leliana that I won’t tell her what she wants to know.” I pleaded to twenty-four as he carried me to a new and dry cell. “I just want to sleep.” I cried. 

Twenty-four placed me onto the dry bedroll in the cell across from my old one. He didn’t answer as he closed the door and locked it behind him before walking off somewhere. 

“Please!” I begged and grabbed on to the bars. “I can’t do it!” Hot tears warmed my frozen cheeks. 

Cullen stepped towards my new cell. “What is it that she wants to know?” He questioned with a raised brow. 

“The future!” I cried out. “I can’t tell her it!” 

Cullen looked taken back by my exclamation. “The future?”

I rapidly nodded. “If I tell her, it could be really bad! Worse! It’s the butterfly!”

Twenty-four returned with a dry woolen blanket. He handed it to me through the bars and I wrapped it around myself. 

“Please, Cullen!” I pleaded. “She’ll listen to you more than she would me, tell her about the butterfly!”

Cullen sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t answer me and left. The sound of the chamber door opening and shutting confirmed that he was gone. Twenty-four took his station just passed the right edge of my cell and didn’t speak for the rest of his shift. He only used the metal rod to keep me awake.

The whisper began once again, but it became the most clear sound in my head. It was The Iron Bull’s voice. ‘The best you can do is hold out for as long as you can.’ The gray stick figure walked from the corner of my new cell and crouched in front on my face. It’s circle head morphed into Bull’s. I strangled out a short laugh in disbelief. It was Bull the entire time.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW; minor hint of ptsd

Twenty-four had turned into twenty-five, and twenty-six, then twenty-seven. I felt like I was dying. After Cullen left I had a small panic attack that stopped when I had fallen asleep and awoken by the metal rod. I felt sick and exhausted and all together messed up inside. I could hardly keep myself sat up and only laid down. My eyes stung with every blink. I hadn’t eaten anything for days and my water intake was terrible. I knew I was dehydrated. I was dizzy and my vision was hazy. Every minute sound that I used to crave now seemed to echo throughout my head and pound against my skull. 

I couldn’t do this anymore. I was going to die if I didn’t get any help. I could barely keep my eyes open, the weight of them impossible. The deafening crash of the metal rod wasn’t enough to jolt me from my emaciated state. Several rapid strikes didn’t phase me either. 

The chamber door opened and several footsteps echoed through the chamber. I heard guard number twenty-seven stand at attention to greet the new presences. I couldn’t even register who it was, the sounds of voices all jumbled together. One grew louder over the rest, causing all others to fall silent. 

I mustered up as much focus as I could and strained to pay attention to what was happening just in front of my cell. 

The one voice speaking sounded muted but became clearer and clearer. “...absolutely ridiculous and cruel!”

“She claims to know of what is to occur in the future.” A soothing voice responded calmly. “It would be in the Inquisition’s best interest to know of such happenings.”

A huff of anger answered. “How would you take her word in such a state!?”

“Spymaster Leliana,” another voice spoke. “While I understand your methods, torturing this woman is not acceptable!” This one was smooth like butter and one I had just heard recently. “The Iron Bull has also repeatedly mentioned that she will not speak unless she deems necessary.”

“She will deem it necessary.” The soothing voice defended.

“Look at her!” The angry voice yelled. “She will be dead before she deems it necessary!”

“Herald, I assure you...” 

I choked out a laugh that resembled the cough of a dying animal. The Herald himself had finally made his appearance. 

“She’s awake!” The voice I didn’t recognize claimed. “Open the cell, now!” He ordered twenty-seven. 

“Of course she is.” Leliana said with a small sigh as the clang of keys in my cell door rang out. “I highly recommend my course of action, Herald. She is not far from breaking.”

The door opened and hands gently grasped at my shoulders, a sickly green glowing from one. “There are better ways of collecting the information you seek, Spymaster.” The Herald answered with smothered anger. 

My eyes managed to focus on his face after a few moments. He had short black hair that had been soiled with dirt and travel. My eyes lowered to his light brown eyes, then to the stubble on his sharp jaw. _Handsome face..._ I glanced to his ears as he shift me in preparation to lift me. _Human. _“Trevelyan...” I rasped.__

__His movements froze for a half second before lifting my limp body. My head rolled back and I passed out._ _

__When I had awoken I was in a cot with a strong fire burning not far to the right of me. I tried to swallow but couldn’t. My mouth had never been so dry, there was no saliva. I tried it several more times as I looked around. I was in a cabin, not a small one but it wasn’t large. The cot I was in was moved and placed deliberately in front of the fireplace. There were other cots in the cabin, nine others, four were occupied with sleeping bodies. I looked to my left, the door was closed as were the windows’ curtains._ _

__Despite the closed curtains, I could see that it wasn’t quite daylight, the sun hadn’t risen yet. The early morning light was something I had begun to easily recognize from my time with the Chargers. It was more blue toned rather than the warm golden of a setting sun. I tried to sit up and my body screamed to stop. I did so with a whimper and laid flat on my back._ _

__“Ah, you’re awake.” A soft Fereldan voice whispered from behind my cot. I craned my head to look. An old woman walked out from behind my cot with a wooden cup. “I’m Bernadette.” She introduced herself. “I’ll tell you, haven’t seen someone sleep as long as you have.” She rambled as she held the cup to my lips and ushered me to drink. When I took a large gulp she pulled it away. “Best if you take small sips. Too much too fast will make you sick.” She warned. I nodded and she brought the cup back to my lips. I did as she requested and took small sips of the cool water that soothed the dry rawness in my throat. After a few moments she took the cup away._ _

__“Thank you.” My voice was raspy and harsh on the ears._ _

__“Of course, dear girl.” She smiled. She must’ve been in her late sixties. Her hair had gone gray and was pulled back into a neat bun at the base of her neck. Her soft brown skin was weathered by her years. The deepness of her laugh-lines and crows feet told me that she smiled a lot throughout the years. The long-sleeved dress she wore was brown and made of wool that cinched just beneath her bust, a white underdress covered her chest up to her neck. She also wore a beige colored apron over everything._ _

__“Where,” I cleared my throat. “Where am I?” I managed to rasp out._ _

__She smiled softly at me. “The healer’s cabin.”_ _

__My eyebrows furrow together. I didn’t remember being brought to a healers cabin. I tried to sit up again and Bernadette helped me to do so. I rubbed my forehead trying to remember._ _

__“You were unconscious when the Herald himself carried you in.” She offered at my confusion in an attempt to reassure me. “Cold as death you were. Lips blue and skin as white as the snow,” That explained the closeness to the fireplace. “Wearing nothing but your breast band and your breeches.”_ _

__I looked down, I was still wearing my clothing. I didn’t correct her. “How long?”_ _

__“You’ve been asleep since he brought you in well after sundown the day before last.” She answered. My head snapped up at her words._ _

__“Over a day?” I was dumbstruck. I’ve never slept that long in my life._ _

__She nodded. “Almost a day and a half. The healer almost declared you dead if you hadn’t been breathing.”_ _

__I covered my face with both hands and mumbled, “Holy shit” into them. Almost a day and a half. Almost thirty-six hours of straight sleeping._ _

__“Must’ve been in severe need of rest to sleep as long as you have.” She commented. She continued to ramble on as I processed why I had been allowed to sleep. I hadn’t told Leliana anything, not that I remembered at least. If I had told her something it could be bad, really bad. Why couldn’t I remember if I told her anything? _What do I last remember?_ _ _

__I remembered cold water, lots and lots of cold water. I remembered Cullen and switching cells. I remembered Bull’s voice and face. I remembered the chamber doors opening and closing a few times. I remembered the rod wasn’t working as much anymore. Then I remembered jumbled voices. Voices that weren’t clear, almost echoey, until they weren’t. Cullen’s, Leliana’s, and a new one. A handsome face, a glowing green hand, Trevelyan. The Herald. Bernadette said he brought me here. I hadn’t given Leliana anything._ _

__‘Hold out for as long as you can.’ Bull’s voice echoed in my head again. I did it. _Holy fuck, I actually did it!_ I smothered amazement as I covered my mouth and stifled my chuffs of disbelief. I looked at Bernadette with wide and amazed eyes. She looked at me confused at my sudden outburst. _ _

__“Are you alright, dear?” Her face scrunched in genuine concern and confusion._ _

__“I’m great.” I incredulity chuckled and panted out a few more breaths. Trevelyan ended the torture. Bull was right, he wasn’t the type to allow Leliana’s continued torture of me. My mood then quickly turned at the thought of Leliana. She wasn’t going to be happy about this. She might actually kill me instead. Not personally, but she’d send one of her assassins to do it._ _

__“Right...” Bernadette drew out. She shook her head and sighed. “A guard was placed outside the door and I’m to inform him once you’ve awoken.”_ _

__I sighed and nodded. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”_ _

__She gave a curt nod and walked to the door. When she opened it, I saw her speak to a guard stood directly outside the opening. I quietly gasped as a sudden flash of a guard just outside bars swarmed my vision before disappearing as fast as it came. I blinked several times and shook my head. My hands rubbed at my eyes before I looked back at where Bernadette was._ _

__I couldn’t hear what she was saying but it was obvious that it was about me as the guard continuously shifted his eyes over Bernadette’s shoulder at me while they spoke. After a several moments he gave a stiff nod and walked off as she closed the door. She walked over to a desk that had several full vials placed all over it. She grabbed a red one and the cup of water before she walked back over to me._ _

__“Drink this.” She handed me the red potion. “It’s a restorative potion. It’ll help with the weakness and your throat.” I nodded and uncorked the vial. When I swirled it around I noticed it wasn’t as thick as an elfroot potion. I glanced up at the cup of water in her hand._ _

__“I’m going to assume it doesn’t taste great judging by the water you brought with it.” I chuckled._ _

__She hummed humorously. “A sharp one, you are. It’s quite sour.”_ _

__I snorted. “Elfroot’s bitter, restorative is sour.” She quietly giggled as I put the lip of the vial to mine and threw my head back. My face pinched as the sour liquid coated my tongue and throat as I swallowed. I was right, it wasn’t as thick as elfroot but it wasn’t like water. It left a thin coating of sourness in my mouth even after I’d swallowed it. I reached for the cup of water but Bernadette tutted me._ _

__“Not just yet, dear.” She scolded softly. I groaned and tried swallowing my spit several times to try and get rid of the taste. “It needs a little time to start working.”_ _

__And she was right. After a minute or so, even though it was still just as sour, I could feel the effects of the potion coursing throughout my body easing the soreness and soothing the rawness of my throat. It appeared that she could tell once it had began to take effect when she handed over the water with a smile. This stuff was great even though it tastes like a lemon head on steroids._ _

__“Your body did most of the healing.” she explained as I took little sips of the water and sloshed it around before swallowing. “The potion helps along the recovery.”_ _

__“Wonder if any are sweet.” I joked and continued to sip on my water._ _

__She laughed. “Medicine is never sweet.”_ _

__I smiled. “My mother used to say that. She’d say, ‘if medicine tasted good then everyone would want to be sick.’”_ _

__“A wise woman.” She grinned and took my cup when I finished._ _

__“Yeah.” I chuffed. “She is.”_ _

__A knock on the door interrupted us. Bernadette didn’t get a chance to answer it before the door opened and two guards entered. Both wore full armor except for helmets. One seemed vaguely familiar._ _

__“We’re to bring you to the Chantry.” The familiar one spoke. I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to understand why he seemed so familiar. He cleared his throat and looked to the other guard before gesturing to me with his head. The other guard then walked to me and reached for my arm._ _

__“She needs a more rest.” Bernadette stated. “She’s only just awoken.” She walked closer to me and stood in front on the other guard._ _

__The other guard groaned. “We’re under orders, Mistress Bernadette.”_ _

__She sniffed and raised her head higher, though the guard was still taller. “Then you will have to carry her, she only just drank a potion, it will need more time before she begins to walk anywhere.”_ _

__The guard scoffed in annoyance and moved to lift me from the cot._ _

__I slapped his hands away. “I got it.” I snapped and moved my legs to the wooden floor. “Don’t need you dropping me cause you’re a little annoyed.” Bernadette snorted quietly and held her arm out for me to use to help pulled myself up. “Thank you.” I spoke softly to her. The muscles in my legs strained under me but held. My legs shook as I took a few steps to reacquaint myself with the motion._ _

__“C’mon then.” The annoyed guard grunted in irritation and motioned to the door of the cabin. Bernadette gave me a soothing pat on my back and ushered me towards the door. My pace was slow and shaky but too slow for the guard as he grabbed ahold of my upper left arm and pulled me along disregarding my stumbling. I winced as my muscles burned with the extra exertion._ _

__Bernadette complained behind me but was being calmed by the familiar guard as I was dragged out of the healer’s cabin. The annoyed guard didn’t seize his fast pace as he left behind his fellow guard. The cold air bit at my exposed arms that had finally felt warmth next to the fire but now suffered a familiar chill in the early morning air_ _

__The ground surrounding the cabin had a layer of snow except for the path walked on. The dirt of the path had gone muddy with slush and only caused me to slip and stumble more. “I wouldn’t stumble if you would slow down!” I complained but he just ignored me. Every time I almost fell to the ground, the strong grip on my upper arm tightened even more so to keep me up. The hand imprinted into my arm caused some pain that would surely turn into a bruise. “Let me go, you’re hurting me!” I tried to pull my arm from the iron grip he had but it did little more than further his bruising grasp he had on my arm._ _

__The sound of hurried footsteps in the slushy mud caught up to us. I turned my head and saw the familiar guard. “We weren’t supposed to hurt her.” He commented but the annoyed guard didn’t say anything and continued to drag me along._ _

__Haven was indeed larger than it was in the game. There were more cabins and more pathways that branched in several directions, most of which I couldn’t determine as the annoyed guard hauled me along too fast to discern where they led. Loud chatter came from one large structure in particular that could only have been the Singing Maiden. I wasn’t even surprised anymore at how much larger, and just more, things were in real life opposed to a video game._ _

__Soon enough we approached the Chantry, a building that now caused my body to shudder and not from the cold. As we entered loud but muffled voices could be heard from behind a closed door in the back that had to have led to the war room. I hadn’t taken notice before, but the inside of the Chantry looked almost exactly like the game had depicted just a bit larger. From the long dark green rug to the stone pillars, though there were several more doors leading to rooms I didn’t know of._ _

__As we walked the large corridor a moment of clarity seeped into my memory. A familiar sound of breathing came from my right. I turned to look at the familiar guard as the annoyed one knocked three times on the large wooden door._ _

__I gasped in recognition. “That’s where I know you from!” I exclaimed. “You’re the guard who breathes loud.”_ _

__He looked taken aback by my realization and raised his eyebrows. He had brown hair cut short and a short beard to match. I never noticed it because he’d always worn a helmet._ _

__The opening of the door cut off any reply he had. The annoyed guard never released my arm and shoved me forward into the room._ _

__“The prisoner, Spymaster.” He announced with his grip still bruising. I looked around at those in the war room. All of Trevelyan’s advisors were here as well as the man himself in their designated spots around the large war table that had several paper weights and placeholders covering the unrolled map of Orlais and Fereldan._ _

__“That will be all.” Leliana dismissed. The guard shoved me forward as he released my arm and caused me to stumble into the table for balance._ _

__Before anyone could do or say anything else I grabbed a large paper weight in my hand before I quickly turned and chucked it at the annoyed guard’s retreating back. “Asshole!”_ _

__The guard grunted and lurched forward as the weight slammed against the armor on his back. He spun immediately after and went to lunge for me before mouth-breather grabbed ahold of his arm, though he still attempted to grab for me with a growl._ _

__“That’s enough!” The authoritative voice of Cullen commanded. The annoyed guard reluctantly submitted and stood at attention along with mouth-breather. I stood with my weight on my arms as I used the table to keep my balance._ _

__“My apologies, Commander.” The annoyed guard bowed his head in respect before he and mouth-breather left the war room, leaving me with the heads of the Inquisition, alone._ _

__All of them looked at me as I scanned all of them. Leliana looked intrigued, Trevelyan looked as if he wanted to laugh, Josephine looked beautiful and concerned, Cassandra looked insulted, and Cullen looked as if he were waiting for something._ _

__“What?” I questioned Cullen with my eyebrows raised. “I’m not going to apologize.”_ _

__Trevelyan snorted as Cassandra scoffed. Cullen took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. Trevelyan walked over to the far stone wall before approaching me with a wooden stool. “Here.” He offered._ _

__“Thanks.” I nodded before almost falling onto it._ _

__“Now that we are all present,” Leliana announced, “shall we begin?”_ _


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how the last chapter was left off but here is a change of POV :)  
> Though, if you don't want another shift in POV let me know please

Since the day they arrived, The Iron Bull had felt somewhat out of sorts. He couldn’t place the reason for it, just that something felt off. When he sparred, Krem was able to score more hits than he usually would as The Iron Bull’s mind would try and sort out why he felt the way he did. Most of the time he would push it towards the fact that they were so close to the breach and that was why he felt off. 

The Singing Maiden had become one of the Chargers’ as well as The Iron Bull’s regular haunts since their arrival. They ate their breakfast there in the mornings and in the evenings they drank as they ate their supper. The Iron Bull took up a space in the back corner of the tavern that allowed him total view of both points of entry as well as the entire floor. If any threat were to enter the maiden, he would certainly see it coming. 

Which is what happened the second morning of their third day, though it was no threat. The Iron Bull sat in his decided upon seat with a few of his Chargers when Dalish had overheard one guard, a few tables over, complaining to another about a prisoner she had watched during the night that had sang an obscure and obnoxious song over and over again. The other guard laughed and told her that he’d experienced a similar situation though the prisoner only sang one song to him. He said that it was odd and on the annoying side though it wasn’t quite as obnoxious as it had been for the female guard. 

“Sounds a bit familiar.” Dalish mentioned as she sipped on a tankard of water. “Odd and obscure.”

The Iron Bull hummed in agreement and continued to listen to the guards speak about the prisoner they both had stood guard over. As he listened a part of him felt a wave of relief in knowing that the little bird was doing alright, she was even annoying the guards. He chuckled to himself while he ate his breakfast. 

“What’re they keepin’ her for?” Dak asked before shoveling a spoonful of thick soup into his mouth. “She didn’t do nothin’.”

Skinner scoffed. “Do _shem’s_ need a reason?”

Dak grunted in annoyance and pointing his empty spoon at Skinner. “Enough with the _shem_ thing.”

Skinner smirked as she aimed her spoon back at Dak. “Does it hurt your delicate _shem_ feelings?”

Dak narrowed his eyes before he scoffed and went back to eating his breakfast. Skinner laughed in triumph before she continued her breakfast as well. 

The more The Iron Bull listened to the two guards complain about, undoubtably, little bird, the more at ease he felt. She was surviving, in spite of what ever torture the spymaster has used. A discomfort came with that knowledge as well. She wasn’t apart of this way of life, that much was obvious. She lived comfortably and didn’t have to struggle to survive. And because of her displacement she would now have to. 

At first The Iron Bull felt that he needed to know the secrets she so clearly had. She was definitely not from anywhere he’d ever been or even heard of. The way she talked was different, and not just her accent. She used some words he knew but in different contexts that didn’t make sense, she also swore like she was raised to become a mercenary. If he was honest with himself, The Iron Bull enjoyed having little bird around, she was entertaining and interesting. Sometime between her arrival and her departure from his company he’d grown to care for her. 

A third guard joined the other two with his own bowl. This one in a far better mood than the others. They greeted him with a small jeer of his name, ‘Harris’. The two pointed out his heightened mood for recently coming off watch duty in the cells. Harris explained that it was enjoyable, the prisoner sang songs he’d never heard before. 

“Songs, as in different ones?” The female guard asked. 

Harris nodded and scooped some soup into his mouth. “They were quite enjoyable.”

The other male guard then laughed some more at the guardswoman. “All you got was a count of drink!” She grunted and roughly shoved the laughing guardsman. 

The Iron Bull surmised that Harris was liked by the little bird for her to sing enjoyable songs after annoying the other two. They talked a while longer before a certain piece of information caused Bull to hone his hearing as they brought up the Spymaster.

“She looked miserable.” Harris shook his head. “The Spymaster offered her a new blanket for information and she cried as she refused.”

The guardswoman snorted. “The Spymaster will get what she wants.”

“Yeah, don’t wanna cross her.” The other guardsman agreed. “If she values her life, she’ll talk.”

Harris shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I don’t think the Commander will be happy about how the Spymaster is going about it.”

The other guardsman chuckled. “Well, I’m not gonna be the one to tell him.”

“Yeah, the Spymaster wants it kept quiet.” The guardswoman agreed. “It all comes down to who you fear more, the Spymaster or the Commander...”

Harris scoffed and left, taking his bowl with him. The two other guards questioned what was wrong with their fellow though their conversation evolved into talking about other aspects that were of no import to The Iron Bull. 

“So they’re torturing her.” Dalish huffed. 

Dak’s head sprung up and out of his bowl. “Torture?” He turned his attention towards The Iron Bull. “What for?”

“She fell out of the Fade.” Skinner responded. “Couldn’t be anything else.”

Dalish looked over at The Iron Bull with a hesitant expression. He urged her to say what she wanted to. “There might be something else...”

For a moment Bull thought that little bird had told Dalish about her knowledge of future events but it was stamped out and replaced with something even more interesting. 

Dalish was still hesitant to reveal what she knew but was pushed by Dak. “C’mon Dalish, spit it out.”

“Little bird is an archer.” She whispered quietly enough that only the four of them could hear. 

“What?” Dak snorted. “No she’s not.”

“No, she’s an archer.” Dalish repeated. “Like me.” She stressed ‘like me’.

Skinner and Dak looked at each other before they began to laugh. “She would’ve done something by now.” Dak reasoned. “Like when...” he trailed off and grew serious. “The explosion.”

Skinner furrowed her eyebrows. “That didn’t sound magical. Rocky said so.”

“I didn’t feel it,” Dalish stated, “but she could’ve been a bit too far.”

The Iron Bull kept his knowledge of the weapon little bird told him about quiet. He knew the explosion that day wasn’t because she was a mage, though he could understand why Dalish thought she might be. 

“Is that the only evidence you have?” Skinner asked Dalish. 

Dalish shook her head. “She can feel magic.” She whispered. “And I can feel her.”

Dak chuckled. “You can feel her can you?” 

Dalish scoffed and flicked the remnants of soup from her spoon at him. “I’m serious. She feels different.” Dak smirked and wiped the bit of soup from his cheek with a thumb before licking it clean. 

The Iron Bull’s eyebrow raised in question. “Different how?”

“She doesn’t feel how you lot feel.” Dalish explained in whispers. “I’ve never felt anyone like her before, mage or no.”

As Dalish explained the oddity of the presence the little bird gave off, The Iron Bull kept his eye out for anyone who tried to listen in. He took note of a particular man who leaned just a bit too far in their direction before Bull suggested that they talk about this at some other time. The tavern wasn’t that great a place to discuss certain mysteries. 

After breakfast the day continued on for The Iron Bull and his Chargers with some training alongside the Commander’s recruits. Bull helped correct recruits as he defeated each who were brave enough to challenge him. 

“Woof!” The exclamation of shock gained The Iron Bull’s attention while he sparred against Krem. After he disarmed his lieutenant he directed his sight on a particular elven archer who watched as she took a break. “Look at you, yeah.”

He chuckled and set the head of his great-axe to the ground. “Sera.” He greeted. 

“Haven’t seen you fight yet.” She said as she walked up to him. “A big help, you.”

“That’s what I was hired for.” He joked.

She cackled and poked at his arm. “So, if you look like that, what are your women like?”

“The Tamassrans? Terrifying...” He answered. “And inspiring. They teach you everything you need to know. Give your life purpose.” 

Sera scoffed. “No, I mean, are they like you?” She clarified before she puffed her chest out and went on her tippy-toes in an attempt to make herself larger. “Big and... phwoar.”

“Oh, shit yeah.” Bull responded with a smirk. 

Sera laughed dreamily. “Wow.”

Sera stuck around as The Iron Bull resumed his sparring with a few other Chargers before she eventually returned to her archery. The rest of the day and evening went as usual. The Spymaster approached Bull that evening before he entered the Singing Maiden. She asked if the woman who fell from the rift had mentioned any future events to him while they traveled. He told her that the little bird would not reveal any of her foresight unless it was necessary. 

The Iron Bull had mentioned it before to the Spymaster when he had notified her of the unexpected tag-along the day he and his Chargers arrived. Any fore-knowledge little bird had would be kept for as long as she could handle. He also explained to the Spymaster what little bird had told him about what she called ‘the butterfly effect’. He didn’t understand it completely but he’ll admit that it did make sense. 

The way she explained it was if she told him that Krem was going to die in two days by an arrow to the head he would plan to prevent it. When that plan was put in place and Krem is spared of that fate, Dalish dies from a sword through the heart and maybe Dak was a little too close to where Krem would have been and gets hit by the arrow that was meant for Krem. She explained that the changes people would make could possibly make the outcome just as bad or even worse. 

The Spymaster wasn’t fully satisfied with The Iron Bull’s information but she did accept it before she left Bull and returned to her tent. He had to admit that despite the little bird not being apart of this way of life, she sure knew how to adapt, though he knew she struggled. During their travel to Haven he made a habit out of observing her and her actions. When she was injured she still made a point of doing what she could to aid in setting up and breaking down camp. She tried for as long as she could to keep pace with the Chargers even if she dragged her feet as she huffed out of breath. Even as she ate the rations around the campfire that she clearly disliked, no complaints were ever expressed. 

Her struggle wasn’t just in a physical sense either, he saw that it was also a mental one. He could see when her mind would wander as she pondered and planned her course of action. It was typically when they were on the move or sat around the campfire in the evenings when she would grow quiet. Her eyes would stare ahead or into the fire as she would lose herself in her thoughts. Most of the time she would maintain a neutral face, but a few times her face slipped into one of uncertainty or even grief. Those were the moments when he would not want to carry that burden. 

Around midday on the fourth day another interesting event occurred while The Iron Bull assisted Commander Cullen with training recruits. An extremely annoyed guardsman joined one of the sparring groups The Iron Bull was watching over. His anger could be felt in the air as he disregarded everyone else and jumped into a spar with another recruit. The swings of his sword were sloppy and entirely directed by his rage as he repeatedly slammed it full force against the recruit’s shield. With each swing he seethed through his teeth. “Stupid!” **CRASH** “Fucking!” **CRASH** “Bitch!” **CRASH**

The Iron Bull held in a laugh and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched the angry guardsman work out his rage. The little bird must have really irritated this guard for him to lose his temper like he had. 

“Commander!” A voices called out before Bull turned and saw another guardsman quickly approaching Cullen. 

“What is it?” He asked as he half looked away from the group he was overseeing. “Not like that!” He called out to one of the recruits. “You must keep your shield up if you do not wish to meet the Maker before your time!” He glanced back to the guardsman. “Well?”

The guardsman cleared his throat. “I must request your attention in the cells, Commander.”

The Iron Bull’s full attention was no longer on the angry guard, but on the troubled looking one. 

Culled scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest plate. “Whatever for?”

“It is of import, Ser.” He urged before he quickly glanced over to the angry guard. 

“Can it not wait?” Cullen asked. 

The guard shook his head. “I would not be here if it could.”

Cullen sighed before he commanded the recruits continue their training while he tend to an urgent matter. The Iron Bull looked once more at the concerned guard before returning to the angry one. They most certainly were related. The angry guardsman had likely acted upon his anger towards little bird in some way, enough for another guard to urgently request the Commander himself. The realization caused anger to bubble into his chest as he tightened his fists. 

“What has gotten you so angry?” The recruit on the other side of the angry guard’s rampant swings asked when he stopped to catch his breath. 

He growled. “A prisoner.” He swung his sword twice more at the recruit’s shield before sheathing it once again. 

The recruit snorted before beginning another spar with another recruit. When the angry guardsman walked off, Krem approached with a missive from the spymaster asking to see her at her tent. The Iron Bull left Krem in charge over the recruits’ drills before he made his way inside Haven and to the Spymaster’s tent. 

Leliana had been reading over a letter when The Iron Bull arrived just outside her tent. He patiently waited for her to finished before he greeted her and asked what he was needed for. She was interested in how often reports would have to be sent back to the Qun for them to be satisfied. He stated that one every week or so should be enough and that was about what he would receive as well. 

They continued to discuss details that would and would not be allowed to be reported back, little bird being one of them. It was unexpectedly easy to agree to by Bull. He knew anything about little bird would be of some interest to the Qun and yet the thought of her being taken by or given to them made him deeply uncomfortable. Leliana was pleased by his immediate acceptance and they both knew he had been a bit too quick to answer. 

“Spymaster Leliana!” The annoyed voice of Commander Cullen distracted both The Iron Bull and Leliana from their conversation. “A word?” He urged as he approached. 

Leliana glanced to Bull, who shrugged, and back to Cullen. “Very well.” She agreed and welcomed Cullen into the tent to speak. The Iron Bull took a few steps away so it wasn’t obvious he was listening. Though his ears weren’t as receptive as an elf’s, they were better than a human’s or a dwarf’s. 

“What is the meaning to the treatment of the young woman in the cells?” He interrogated. “I did not give you permission to use my recruits as torturers!”

“Commander,” She eased out, “that woman possesses knowledge that would be invaluable to the Inquisition if she were to reveal it.”

“What knowledge would that be, Spymaster?”

“The future.” She answered simply. 

A scoff came from Cullen. “She’s gone mad in those cells and you believe she had knowledge of the future?” He laughed incredulously. “She claims that she can’t say because of a butterfly!”

“While I am not sure about the future,” Leliana replied, “she does have insight to certain information that no one should know.”

“I do not care if she knows how to stop a blight!” He countered. “She needs to be taken to a healer!”

“Not until she breaks.” 

“And when she does, you would take her word in the state she is in now or worse?” He was taken aback by Leliana’s refusal. It was quiet for a few moments before Cullen grunted in anger. “My recruits are no longer at your disposal for this cruel endeavor.” He spat out. “You should hope for the Herald’s return before she dies.”

Cullen stormed out from Leliana’s tent and made eye contact with The Iron Bull several feet from its entrance. “She won’t reveal things unless it’s necessary.” Bull stated as Cullen walked passed him. Cullen stopped for a moment before he continued towards the gates of Haven. 

The Iron Bull wasn’t happy about what he had overheard between the Spymaster and the Commander. Little bird was dying in those cells and from what he knew of her, she was prepared to do so. She had even asked him before hand to destroy her pack if she were to die. She would rather die than reveal her foresight. 

Leliana invited The Iron Bull to finish their conversation. Once they came to an agreement she was pulled away by one of her scouts and he went back to where he’d left Krem to drill some of the recruits. Once those recruits finished a new group began and the drills would start all over again. This routine continued up until the sun began to set and The Iron Bull dismissed the group before he made his way inside Haven. 

The Singing Maiden was always boisterous around supper when recruits, scouts, and soldiers finished their work duties for the day. Tankards filled with ale and bowls of stew were passed around to those who paid for it. Haven offered rations to soldiers and the like, but it wasn’t as good.

A few hours passed before the already loud chatter increased with news of the Herald’s return. The Iron Bull’s interest was piqued which caused him to leave the maiden so he can observe for himself. The people in the tavern were right, the Herald had just entered the gates and made his way towards one of the cabins before his attention was grabbed by the Seeker. She gestured towards the Chantry and he nodded in response. 

As they passed by the Spymasters tent, Cullen and Leliana both stepped out to greet the Herald. Quick conversation was made between the four before the Herald grew visibly annoyed and stormed off into the Chantry. 

“Wonder what that was about?” The Iron Bull looked down as Varric approached with his crossbow slung over his shoulder and looked a little rough. His coat was covered with the dirt of travel and his red hair was no longer pulled neatly back. 

“I could guess.” The Iron Bull responded.

“That makes one of us.” Varric joked and set his crossbow against the stone half-wall to the right near the large fire before he sat on one of four stumps that was used for seating. “Ahh.” He sighed. “Much better.” 

Bull chuffed humorously before he and Varric began to converse about the shitty weather on the Storm Coast. The Iron Bull took a seat on the largest stump as they continued to speak before a new presence joined them. 

“Quiet dreadful weather.” The calm voice of Solas commented. “I, myself, prefer a warm and dry climate.”

Varric chuckled. “Nice of you to join us, Chuckles.”

“Must’ve been one long journey judging by how you both look.” The Iron Bull joked. 

“What makes you say that?” Varric laughed. “I love walking long distances.” He said sarcastically. 

“Fortunately, Varric, once the housemaster arrives, you will not have to.” Solas remarked with a small chuckle. 

They talked for a short while longer before Solas’ head suddenly snapped toward the Chantry.

“You alright, Chuckles?” Varric asked.

Solas remained silent as he watched the closed Chantry doors several moments before they opened and the Herald quickly exited as he carried an unconscious woman in his arms. The Iron Bull watched as the Herald carried little bird off the paths and directly towards a grouping of cabins where he understood the healer was located. He clenched his jaw as little bird’s head and limbs swung lifelessly with every step the Herald took. 

“Guess I don’t have to wonder anymore.” Varric commented and turned back to Solas. “Say, Chuckles, how did you know before the Herald came out?” Solas furrowed his brow and he shook his head. He didn’t respond before he stood and walked in the direction of a group of cabins. Varric snorted. “Alright, see you later.”

The Iron Bull observed Solas as he walked away with a confused look on his face. It couldn’t be that he heard them before the door opened. Dalish had informed him how far and how loud something could be for an elf to hear it. There was no way he heard it. Which only meant one thing. Dalish wasn’t the only one who could feel little bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Shem_ \- racial slur for humans used by city elves


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW; hints of PTSD

“Now that we are all present,” Leliana announced, “shall we begin?”

Trevelyan cleared his throat and nodded. “Of course.”

Leliana then shifted her focus to me and caused another shudder to run through my body. 

“Are you cold?” Josephine’s lovely Antivan accent asked. “You appear to be missing a shirt.”

“It is a shirt,” I clarified, “but yes, I am cold. The asshole didn’t allow me any time to put on something warmer.” Trevelyan then untied his cloak he’d been wearing and draped it over my shoulders. I smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

“It is no issue.” He brushed off my thanks. 

“Who are you?” Leliana’s question interrupted.

“I told you.” I said. “My name is Jessabelle Rivers.”

Josephine shifted her weight onto her right foot as she looked at Leliana then down at her board. “There is no one in Thedas by that name.” She stated. _Leliana searched for me._

I snorted. “No, there wouldn’t be. As I told the spymaster, I am not from Thedas.”

“From where is it do you originate?” She asked politely.

I took a deep breath. “I am not from this world.”

Cullen chuckled in disbelief. “Are we really going to take the word of a madwoman?”

“I’m not crazy!” I spat back at him. “My world and this are not the same!”

“The Iron Bull believes what she says.” Leliana defended. Of all people I didn’t not think Leliana would come to my defense. 

“Then she is a talented liar.” Cassandra commented off-handedly as she crossed her arms over her armored chest. She was a tall woman, taller than Josephine and Leliana both. A true Amazonian of a woman. 

As Trevelyan’s advisors went back and forth, he stood next to my left as he watched them with a calculating look on his face. His face was clean-shaven now, and the rest of him was clean as well. While they bickered he turned his head down in my direction. “Are you mad?” He asked curiously. 

I wanted to laugh. “No, I am not. Nor am I a liar.” I defended myself. “I don’t know how I am here.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. He was wearing a gray tunic with a black fabric that wrapped around his waist, black leather breeches, and a short brown leather armor coat with a tail that reached to the backs of his knees. I knew this armor, it was prowler armor, he was a rogue and either an archer or a fan of daggers, neither of which he wore currently. 

“The Iron Bull and Leliana both claim you fell from a rift.” He said and regarded me. 

“Yeah, I did.” I groaned and rubbed my forehead with my right hand. “Right into the sea so the Chargers say.”

“I fell from one too.” He nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, I know.” I sighed.

The arguing continued in ignorance of Trevelyan and I’s conversation.

“I assumed you did.” He shrugged. “You knew my name after all.”

I nodded. “I know lots of people’s names.”

He smirked. “You seem to say just enough yet not enough.”

I shrugged. “I’ve went over this with Spymaster Leliana. I know she’s told you, I will not tell you everything I know.”

“Believe me, I’m aware.” He chuckled. “You were half dead in that cell down there.”

I swallowed and remembered my time in the cells. The cold air that seeped into my bones, the darkness only held back by the dim light of a candle, the shadows that whispered at it’s edge, the crash of metal that vibrated against my skull. _I’m awake!_

The snap of fingers snapped me back to the present. I rapidly blinked as came back. “Are you alright?” Trevelyan asked. I nodded and smiled though it faltered. He sighed. “I would not have allowed her do that were I here.”

I shook my head. “I understand why she did it.”

He raised his brows in surprise. “You do?”

“Of course I do.” I exhaled heavily. “She’s the Inquisition’s spymaster, of course she’s going to do whatever it takes for it to succeed.” I didn’t hate Leliana for what she had done to me. I one hundred percent understood it. It was what she knew and was used to. I didn’t expect anything less which was why I had asked Bull for advice in the first place. Though her presence now gave me discomfort.

Trevelyan huffed out a breath. “You are mad.” I rolled my eyes.

I glanced around at Cullen, Leliana, and Cassandra as they argued. Both the Seeker and Commander went against Leliana, declaring that I was a madwoman and that I was not from another world. Leliana, despite that it was two against one, did not back down and held her own claiming that the knowledge I possessed did not come from living in Thedas. _Enough is enough._

I cleared my throat loudly and gained everyone’s attention. “I can prove that I am not lying.” I announced. 

“How?” Leliana asked. 

“My world is both similar and yet completely different from Thedas.” I explained. “Thedas now most resembles how my world lived hundreds of years ago but we do not have magic.”

“No magic?” Cullen asked unsure. _Of course he’d be the one to ask that._

“No magic, no demons, no dragons...” I listed. 

“Sound peaceful.” He scoffed as I continued. 

“...no elves, no dwarves, no Qunari...”

Josephine gasped in shock. “What happened to them?” Most of the others looked different levels of shock, though Leliana remained straight faced.

I shook my head quickly. “Nothing, there never were any besides humans. But that’s not what I’m trying to talk about.” I waved my hand to clear the air. “My point was there is no magic so we rely heavily on machines and technology to complete tasks that would otherwise be difficult or impossible to do.”

Leliana stepped forward slightly. “I assume you have something of this technology then.”

I nodded. “It’s called a cellphone.”

“What is it used for?” Josephine inquired. 

“It’s used for a lot of things. Mainly as a way to communicate with someone far away as if they were standing right next to you.” I informed her. “But it needs reception from machines designed to connect them. I’m not exactly an expert on how it works. But it can do other things like play music, take photographs or videos.”

“It can play music?” Josephine asked the same time Trevelyan asked, “What is a photograph?”

“Uh,” I didn’t know who to answer first. “Yes, it can play the music that I put on it. And a photograph is like a painting but it uses light to capture an image as clear as you see me.”

Both Josephine and Trevelyan looked extremely interested while Cullen was apprehensive about everything that came out of my mouth, as did Cassandra. Leliana however looked as much as she normally did, with a neutral face and stance. 

“Where is it?” Trevelyan asked. 

“Uh,” I didn’t want to throw Bull under the bus for helping me keep it out of their grasp but I didn’t think I could make it all the way to where they set up their tents. “I hid it with the Chargers’ supplies.”

“Why did you hide it?” Leliana questioned. 

I huffed. “Well, I didn’t think you, Spymaster, would want others to know that I am from another world.” It was true, and it definitely was one of the reasons I wanted it hidden. Though a main reason was I didn’t want them to get their hands on the gun. 

She hummed in response. “I see.”

“We will send someone to fetch it.” Josephine pipped up. 

“No,” I quickly declined, “Uh, I can get it.” It’ll be slow moving but I’d rather that than someone else touching my stuff, if Bull would even let them. “They wouldn’t know what they’re looking for would they?”

Josephine nodded, “No, I suppose not.”

I let out a sigh of relief and began to stand as I used the table once again for balance. My muscles accepted my weight better than they had when I first tried. The potion was working well enough that I might not need any help. 

“I will accompany you, if you do not mind.” Trevelyan offered as he held out his right arm for me to hold onto. He must’ve saw my unsteadiness, though it was not as bad. 

I nodded once and accepted his arm before we walked out of the war room. 

The walk out of the Chantry was quiet, though people started to venture around. Scouts and soldiers walked to and fro, patrolling. The sun had begun to peak over the top of the mountain and dim the glow of the giant green vortex in the sky. “Hate that fucking color.” I grumbled to myself.

Trevelyan chuckled. “I should hide my hand in your presence then.”

I snorted. “I’ve seen enough of that color in the Fade.”

He turned his head fully towards me. “You remember being in the Fade?”

“Yes.” I nodded. “Spent a long time in there.”

His eyes widened. “How long?”

“Two days.” I responded. 

“Shit.” He breathed out and returned his gaze ahead once again. 

I chuffed. “Exactly. I’ve seen that green enough for my lifetime.”

“What was it like?” He asked quietly. “The Fade?”

I felt bad for him, I knew he couldn’t remember being in the Fade. He didn’t remember what happened just before it either. He didn’t know Divine Justinia was there and didn’t make it out. 

“For the most part?” I offered. He nodded. “Nothing really happened, I saw one wisp and walked a lot.”

“The Fade was boring to you?” He asked in disbelief. “What standards you must have.”

“Only until the end.” I snorted. “I fell for I don’t know how long, saw a wisp then walked around for a long time until I came across a rift and a Pride demon.”

“A Pride demon?”

I nodded. “Beat the shit outta me. It’s how I got this...” I stopped walking and leaned my left shoulder forward and moved the cloak with my right hand to display the scar from the lightning whip. “I was far enough that only the tip of the whip got me before I managed to reach a rift.”

“You spent two days physically in the Fade and only encountered one demon?” He was dumbstruck and I had been too. It didn’t make sense to me. When the Inquisitor goes into the Fade at Adamant there’s loads of them. Why hadn’t there been more?

“I don’t know why I hadn’t seen more.” I shrugged before we continued to walk. “I should have.”

He hummed in agreement. While we walked the loud chatter I heard from earlier grew in volume as we passed the Singing Maiden. Breakfast must’ve been served. The gates weren’t much further. 

“My name is Maxwell, though I know you must already know that.” He spoke after a little while. “I feel odd not introducing myself otherwise.”

I chuckled. “You’re in luck then.” I didn’t actually know his first name, just the last. Maxwell was the default name for a male Trevelyan so I had a guess but I wasn’t sure. “I was only aware of your surname. You could’ve told me your name was Penelope and I wouldn’t have known otherwise.” I joked.

He laughed. “A missed opportunity.”

We finally arrived just outside the gates to Haven and approached where Bull had set up his tent, though he wasn’t there. I mouthed ‘fuck’ as I looked around for him or my pack. I didn’t want to just enter his tent without permission, it’s rude and an invasion of privacy. It would look as if I were trying to snoop through his belongings. 

“Where did you say you hid it?” Maxwell questioned when he noticed me searching around. 

“About that...” I hesitated. I released my hold on his arm a turned to face him fully. “I, uh, I did hide it with the Chargers supplies but I had asked Bull to keep anyone from getting ahold of it.”

He hummed. “And why didn’t you mention this earlier?”

I swallowed and hesitated. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. 

He waited for my answer. 

I hated lying. It’s not that I couldn’t lie, but that it wasn’t what I wanted to be perceived as. Maxwell didn’t seem to be a bad guy. He saved me from the cell and he didn’t radiate bad energy to me. 

“It’s a pack with my belongings,” I quickly looked around to make sure no one was there to hear, “and in it there is a weapon that can’t fall into the wrong hands.”

“So your plan was to have a Qunari spy watch it?” He looked at me incredulously. “And worse you probably knew he was one too!” He whisper yelled. “Maybe you are mad.”

I rubbed at my face with my hands. “I know how it sounds,” I groaned, “but I trust Bull, and better yet, I also trust Spymaster Leliana to not allow that piece of information to slip past in his reports. She wouldn’t allow any mention of a weapon be reported back to the Qun.”

“Oh, Maker.” He placed a fist on the top of his head and the other against his hip. He took a few deep breaths before he looked at me again and lowered his arms. “Where would he be?”

“If he’s not here then he’d most likely be at the maiden.” I suggested. 

He huffed before he turned and walked back into Haven. Without me. _He’s mad._ I groaned and did my best to follow after him. He was still faster but I had managed to catch up.

“I trust him.” I defended Bull. 

“He’s a spy.” Maxwell replied curtly. 

“You trust Leliana and she’s a spy.” I countered as I panted in my attempt to keep after him. His height and long strides plus the soreness of my body equaled one out of breath Jessa. 

“That is not the same thing.” He answered with a scoff. 

“Oh?” I wheezed. “How not?”

“She’s apart of the Inquisition.”

“So is Bull,” I retaliated. “You recruited him yourself. He also told you he was Ben-Hassrath upfront, he didn’t have to do that.”

Maxwell stopped walking and I almost slammed against his back before he turned to me. He furrowed his brows and scanned my face. “You really do know what is supposed to happen.”

I panted and nodded. “Yes.”

He chuckled humorlessly. “No wonder Leliana wanted to torture you for it.”

I raised my head and tried not to let the comment effect me. He shook his head before turning back around and continuing towards the Singing Maiden. The loud chatter a dead giveaway of its location. 

I didn’t marvel at the size of the maiden nor how many people were actually able to fit in it. This must’ve been where most of the people were. When Maxwell entered a round a cheers and raised tankards greeted him. I nudged my way in front of him and tried to spot Bull but I couldn’t see over all the people. I looked towards the bar and saw an open stool. I forced my way to it and climbed atop it. The extra height let me tower over the crowd that surrounded Maxwell. I was able to finally spot Bull and several of the Chargers at a table in the back corner. I knew I had missed them but I didn’t even know how much until I actually saw them with my own eyes. _I missed them so much._

I could feel tears well up in my eyes as I scrambled off the stool and elbowed my way out of the crowd. After getting through the first initial swarm of people by the bar, the more space there was to breathe as people were sat around tables.

“Little Bird!” Dak called out which resulted in cheers of greetings as I approached quickly. “Haven’t seen you in days!”

Bull had been the closest. He sat at the head of a long wooden table with the walls of the maiden to his left and back. I choked on a sob with a laugh as finally made it to the table. Bull smiled at me just before I collided against his bare right shoulder and clung to his arm. The warmth of his skin soothed me like no blanket could as I pressed my forehead into his shoulder. For a split second Bull stiffened with the unexpected embrace before he brought his left hand up and gently patted my back. 

“I missed you guys so much.” I practically sobbed into Bull. 

“Heard you caused trouble for the guards.” Dak chuckled before he raised his tankard in cheers and drank. 

“We heard some complaining days ago about a prisoner singing annoying songs.” Dalish laughed. “Figured it had to be you.” She nudged against my right hip. I released Bull and wiped my face before giving another hug to Dalish. She chuckled as she held me and rubbed my back. 

“Been in the cells for a while.” Bull pointed out as I released Dalish. 

I nodded. “I was taken out before midday yesterday.” Dalish shifted over to her right and pulled me on to the wooden bench. 

“Took you this long to come see us?” Dak teased before he shoved a spoon of a thick soup into his mouth.

I dodged around Dak’s question. “This isn’t a social visit.” I sniffed and turned to Bull. “Do you still have my pack?”

He looked me over and shifted his gaze behind me before moving it back to me and nodded.

I turned around and saw Maxwell approach. “Iron Bull.” He greeted. “It’s nice to see that you’re settling in nicely.”

“Good to see you, Boss.” He greeted in return. “Haven’t seen you in the tavern much.”

Maxwell shook his head. “No, I’ve been busy since returning from the Storm Coast.”

Bill nodded in understanding and looked at me. “Yeah, I understand.”

I smiled sheepishly before I cleared my throat. “Where is my pack?” I asked him. 

He took a gulp of his tankard before he answered. “Not here.”

My heart dropped a few inches. “What do you mean ‘not here’?”

He shrugged. “I don’t have it with me here.”

I slapped my hand to my forehead and groaned. “You left it unguarded?”

Bull chuckled. “It’s not unguarded.” He stood and began to leave the table before he looked down at me. “Let’s go.”

I mustered the strength to stand and followed behind Bull. The people in the tavern moved out of his way with no prompt to do so with him being a giant Qunari and all. I wanted to laugh. If I ever needed to moved through a crowd, Bull would be the way to do it. Bull angled his head through the door to the tavern to leave. I turned as I exited and made sure Maxwell had been following. 

“Who’s guarding it?” I asked as well all walked through the slush of the path. I didn’t struggle to keep pace as Bull set a slower pace when he noticed my weakened stride like how he’d done since the Storm Coast. “How do you know no one would try to steal it from them?”

Bull chuckled. “He doesn’t let many near him as it is.”

“You are aware of what is being held in this pack, correct?” Maxwell brought up in confusion and a little bit of bafflement. And I felt the same. Bull knew there was a weapon that I wouldn’t let anyone get their hands on. I knew no one would be dumb enough to mess with Bull, it was why I wanted him to watch my stuff, not this other guy I probably didn’t know. I didn’t even know who he was talking about, no one that I’ve met in the Chargers had any issues with people being near them besides Skinner, and she’s not a guy. 

Bull hummed in agreement. “You do as well then.”

“Yeah, I told him.” I confirmed. “I don’t like lying.”

“That’s comforting to know.” Maxwell commented. “Seeing as we’d have to take you at your word about the knowledge you have.” He quietly pointed out. 

Bull snorted. “It’s not taking her at her word. She knows things.”

I smiled to myself. It felt good knowing that Bull fully believed and backed me. His support would certainly add more credibility to convincing the others. 

When we exited Haven’s gates I paused by Bull’s tent but he continued passed and headed to the stables. I furrowed my brows and quickly caught up to him and Maxwell. 

“The stables?” Maxwell asked apprehensively. I was just as apprehensive as I chewed on my lip. I hoped so hard that Bull really took the task of keeping my bag safe seriously. He seemed to when he agreed. 

“Mhm.” Bulled hummed in confirmation. We entered and I looked around. No one was in there besides us. I heard a loud nicker and repeated stomps from one of the stalls in the dark. Despite the sun beginning to make its appearance in the sky, the only form of light in the stables was a lit candle lantern hung on the frame of the entrance. 

“So?” Maxwell urged. “Where is he?” He crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at Bull. 

Bull looked at the stall where the sounds of an agitated horse came from. “In there.”

I walked over to the stall and looked into it. I squinted through the dim light before I closed my eyes and pulled my lips tight as I tried to suppress a chuckle. In the stall was my baby boy, Vitriol. “You dick.” I chuffed at Bull.

Bull leaned against a beam and crossed his arms over his chest with a smirk. “He doesn’t let anyone besides me, Grim, or you get too close.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or yell at Bull for pulling a stunt like this. As far as I knew, Vitriol was a gentle giant. He always let me near him and touch him and tend to him. Nothing of what Bull claimed resembled Vitriol. 

Maxwell huffed in annoyance. “You allowed this large a threat sit in a stall with the trust that a horse would not let anyone near enough to take it?”

Bull gestured to the stall with his head. “Try to take it.”

Maxwell scoffed and walked over to the stall. As he reached for the latch, Vitriol began to stomp heavily with his ears pinned back and make a noise I’d never heard him make before. He threw his head around dangerously and went to bite Maxwell, but missed as Maxwell quickly stepped back from the door of the stall. 

“I see your point.” Maxwell pulled at his leather coat to straighten it as he stood straighter.

“What the fuck was that?” I asked as I turned my head towards Bull. “He’s never done that before.”

“To you.” Bull laughed before he approached Vitriol a stroked down his head, but it didn’t last for long when Vitriol began to nod his head forcefully. Bull snorted and looked at me. “He always had a temper, but he likes you.”

I scoffed. “I don’t believe you.” I shook my head before I walked over to Vitriol’s stall door and unlatched it with no issue. Vitriol began to nicker at me and nudge the side of my face with his snout, the warm air from his nostrils blew at the stray hairs that framed my face. I rubbed at his nose before I gently pushed my way into the stall. “Where’s my pack?”

Maxwell chuckled as Bull answered. “Behind the hay bale.”

I spotted the small bale of hay at the back of the stall and pulled at it before I reached down. My fingers brushed along the familiar fabric of my backpack and I laughed as I grabbed it. “Risky.” I scolded as I walked out of the stall and latched it once again. 

“Nah.” Bull waved his hand. “Could always trust Vitriol to keep his temper.”

I snorted. “He didn’t with me.”

He chuckled. “You bribed him.”

Maxwell cleared his throat and nodded toward my bag. “That it?”

I nodded. “Want to see something cool?”

Maxwell raised a brow. “Cool?”

“Oh, uh, it means neat, interesting, amazing.” I clarified. And he nodded. I unzipped the back and reached in for my phone before zipping the bag once again and stuffing it under my arm. 

“What was that?” He asked as I closed it.

“A zipper.” I answered as I held my phone and held down the power button. “That’s nothing compared to this.”

Bull looked down over my shoulder as he observed the rectangle object that was my phone. When the glow of power lit up my screen I heard a gasp from Maxwell before he closed the distance between us. He looked at the screen as it displayed the time and date. 

“What are those symbols?” He asked as he went to touch my phone before he stopped.

“It displays the time,” I pointed to the numbers, “and the date.” And gestured to mix of letters and numbers. Bull remained quiet as Maxwell asked a number of questions. I answered them as best I could with my limited knowledge of how phones and the technology behind them worked. And all the while Bull stood silent and he watched with his arms crossed. 

“We should get back to the others.” Maxwell finally said after I showed him the flashlight feature. I nodded and put my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. 

“Can Bull come?” I asked as we exited the stables. Bull had been extremely silent ever since I pulled out my phone and I couldn’t help but think he was upset with me that I kept my phone from him. It wasn’t dangerous like the gun was, in fact I knew the Chargers would enjoy the music I had on it which included, unfortunately, ‘I Just Had Sex’. 

“It’s alright.” Bull shook his head. “Gotta get back to my Chargers.” He said then walked off with a good-bye to Maxwell. _He is upset with me._


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW; hints of PTSD

By the time we arrived back to the advisors Maxwell had asked me plenty more questions about the phone and other technology from Earth. My limited knowledge of how technology worked only allowed for me to explain some basics of phones, computers, television, etc... He was immensely interested in television.

The other advisors were astonished by my phone. Cullen was unnerved that it was not of magic whatsoever. I showed them how the camera worked and took a picture of each of them to see. Josephine was delighted by that as well as the music. I only played certain songs that would be generally more understood, so nothing with an overwhelming amount of references to culture from Earth. 

During my explanations my stomach loudly grumbled and Josephine sent for some food for all of us. It was the first time I’d eaten since arriving in Haven. And because I hadn’t eaten in days I only picked at what was brought to not overwhelm my stomach. They questioned me for hours about Earth and how I arrived in Thedas, though I left out the amount of time I had been in the Fade. Cullen would not believe that I wasn’t a demon if he were to find that part out.

Then came the inevitable questions about my knowledge. I didn’t want to say that this was all a game back home, because it wasn’t here, and it wasn’t to me anymore. Not after what I’ve went through already. I had to give them something. Sure, they believed that I wasn’t from Thedas but that didn’t explain how I knew what I knew. So I told them I’d seen it. Which wasn’t a lie, I’ve watched this story play out multiple times. I’d even watched the choices I didn’t make play out. 

I told them that I saw different outcomes for different decisions they’d make. I compared it to a choose your own adventure book, though I didn’t know if they had that but they seemed to understand nonetheless. I explained that I knew the whole book but just not what pages would be turned to. That if I were to tell them how the book would go, it would more than likely change and possibly for the worse. 

“What use are you if you will not tell us what is to come.” Leliana dismissed me with a hint of anger in her otherwise clam tone of voice. 

“Are we even certain that she knows what she claims she does?” Cassandra accused as she crossed her arms over her chest armor and stared down at me. 

“She does have insights, Cassandra.” Leliana defended. “She knew something about me not even the most talented spy should know.” She places her hands behind her back and stood straighter. 

Cassandra scoffed and waved her hand. 

I bit my lip before I sighed. “Seeker, I heard you know of some literature...”

She stiffened and narrowed her eyes at me. I never understood why Cassandra was so secretive about enjoying Varric’s books, it was just a book. “I do not know of any literature that might interest you.” She brushed off. 

I huffed and waved her over. I didn’t want the other to hear what I was going to say to her. Leliana had an amount of privacy that I want to allow Cassandra to have. She grunted before she stepped towards me and leaned down. The others looked on as I leaned to her ear. 

“I am truly sorry about your brother, Anthony. He did not deserve that, nor did you deserve to see it.” I whispered into her ear. She instantly stood straight before she stormed from the room without another word. I watched her leave and kept my eyes on the door after it closed. 

“It appears the Seeker has changed her position.” Leliana commented lightly. It didn’t feel right to bring up Cassandra’s brother but it would be the strongest piece of information that would convince her. Leliana turned her attention to me. “What was it that you whispered to our Seeker?”

I shook my head. “It’s not my place.”

Leliana hummed and accepted my answer. “Commander,” she shifted her gaze to Cullen, “would you also require further demonstration?”

Cullen scoffed and shook his head. “I do not.” His right hand rested on the pommel of his sword and gripped it absentmindedly. 

“Might I recommend,” Josephine piped up, “if Lady Jessabelle...”

“...I’m not a lady...” I tried to cut Josephine off but she wouldn’t allow it. 

“...will not disclose any knowledge forthright, that she be allowed input on certain decisions to help further our progress in the Inquisition.” She finished without missing a beat from my failed interruption. 

“I can do that!” I declared enthusiastically. “I can help with questions you have with decisions or other things like that if you are unsure.”

“How will we know if it’s in the best interest of the Inquisition?” Cullen asked. “She could claim it so and undermine the entire organization.”

“He has a point.” Leliana agreed and ran her gaze over me. “We have no guarantee her decisions would be the best for Thedas or for her.”

I shook my head. “I will not tell you what decisions to make or what options to choose. All I will do is give some insight to what each decisions outcome would be.” Leliana and Cullen silently conversed through their eyes. “I can help. I want to help.”

After several moments of silence the door to the war room reopened and Cassandra stepped in. I gave her a sad smiley of apology though she ignored it and took her place to the left of Maxwell. 

Leliana sent a single nod to Maxwell and Cullen sighed and nodded as well. 

“Then we are all in agreement.” Maxwell clasped his hands together. “Lady Jessabelle is no longer a prisoner of the Inquisition.”

“Jessa.” I corrected. I wasn’t a lady, I didn’t own land, nor did I have wealth to be considered a ‘lady’. “Just Jessa.”

“This directs us to our next task.” Josephine commented as she looked down at her board. “We must create an identity for you...”

Hours later, Josephine had created an entire life for me out of thin air. I would be allowed to keep my name Jessabelle Rivers, though she insisted that I use the title ‘lady’ because of my lack of noticeable hardship. I didn’t have the muscles nor the scarring of someone who can fight, nor did I possess the appearance of someone who farmed and worked tirelessly. My appearance was a dead giveaway that I had lived favorably, my hair was heathy, my teeth were clean and straight, and my skin was unmarked by adversity. I could be considered a model of nobility, despite my discomfort with it. 

Everything I’ve heard from Josephine about nobility and ‘The Game’ irked me. When she suggested that I act the part of nobility I explained to her that I couldn’t. I told her that I’d never be able to pull off such an act, just listening to how I talked would be a dead giveaway that I was not a noble. Leliana agreed with me and pointed out that I would also have no connections to any noble family in Thedas. Josephine reluctantly compromised and recommended that I had been from a small and obscure noble family in an unknown village that hadn’t been touched by the blight beyond the Korcari Wilds in the uncharted territories. Everyone agreed. 

The next item of issue on Josephine’s improvised list was my state of dress. To blend I would need clothing from Thedas. She set up an appointment for me with a seamstress to take my measurements for clothing that would be made. I told her I would be fine with what they already had as long as they fit. She once again explained that I looked nobility and if I dress less than that it would warrant attention. I suggested that if I were a prisoner one day and sudden apparent nobility the next it would also cause attention. Cullen groaned with all the talk of clothing and wanted to leave. Maxwell advised that it would be best for me to wear clothing we already had but it should be tailored to fit well. Josephine and I conceded. 

Another item of issue was where I would sleep. I stated that I had no problem sleeping in the tents with the Chargers if they’d allow it. Josephine looked appalled and argued that I was supposed to be of noble birth once again. I groaned and rubbed at my temples in an attempt to soothe an oncoming headache. Maxwell brought up that there was a cabin to the left of his that hadn’t been used since the conclave. Josephine immediately agreed and silenced any further discussion on the matter. 

A few more smaller items were discussed before Josephine sent for the clothing that I would be wearing from that point on. She asked if I had any preference between breeches or a dress and I told her that I would prefer the breeches. She seemed slightly disappointed by my answer but I’d rather not wear a dress in the snow. 

While we waited for the clothing Leliana brought up use of my knowledge for some of her spy work. I would’ve laughed if she’d meant it as a joke. She knew what I had said. She explained that I could do so much with what I knew, and I told her that if I were to actively use it the chances of altering it were too great and the knowledge would be useless then. She stopped her pestering, for now. 

When the clothing arrived I asked if there was anywhere I could bathe. I hadn’t properly cleaned myself with soap since I had fallen through the rift. Sure I had washed with just water in the lake that one time and I routinely scrubbed myself each morning and evening when I traveled with Bull and the Chargers. But since I had been taken as a prisoner I haven’t cleaned myself at all and I felt truly and utterly disgusting. My hair was itchy and oily. My skin felt like it had a second layer of dirt and grime on it. And my teeth felt thick with plaque. Leliana agreed to escort me to the bathhouse. _Thank god there is a bathhouse._

After exiting the Chantry we walked to the left toward a decent sized wooden structure that must’ve been the baths. The sun had risen a while ago and Haven had been in full swing. People walked to and fro, and the soldiers and scouts patrolled and ran messages. The loud clashes of metal swords echoed from outside the gates of Haven. The repeated constant echoes melded into the crashing against bars that made my teeth vibrate in my skull. 

“After you have finished I could show you to where you will be sleeping.” Leliana’s offer captured my attention from the metal. 

I shook my head. “I think I’ll be able to find it.” I rushed out. Leliana gave me a calculated looked before she nodded once and left me in front of the structure we had been walking toward. I quickly rushed inside, away from the sounds of the colliding metal, and slammed the door behind me before leaned against it with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and released it before I opened my eyes and looked around the bathhouse. 

It wasn’t large but it did hold six tubs, made of some type of metal, along the side walls; three at either wall. At the center of the back wall was a stone fireplace that had a decent fire already burning. The bathhouse was empty besides an elven woman who was filling the back left tub. I held my pack along with my new clothing to my chest before I walked to the second tub on the right wall. In between each tub were dividers yet to be pulled apart. I placed my things on the other side of the tub and close to the wall before I looked around for the metal buckets the woman was using to fill her tub. I found them stacked on the right side of the fireplace. 

I observed the woman as she placed her bucket beneath what appeared to be a spout not too far from the fireplace that stuck out from a metal tube with a handle. She grabbed the handle and began to pull it up and push it back down repeatedly before water began to fall from the spout. _A well pump._ After she finished filling the bucket she hung it on a rod that hung off the fireplace and just out of reach of the flames. She waited until the water would just begin to boil then take the bucket with a cloth and dump the hot water into the tub. She did this several times before the tub was full enough to take a bath in. 

When she finished I began to repeat what she had done only to be stopped by her when I began to pump the water.

“Oh no.” She gently placed her hand over mine. “You are Lady Jessabelle, yes?” 

I furrowed my eyebrows but nodded. “Yes, how do you know me?”

She smiled and grabbed my hand and led me to the full tub. “Lady Josephine requested a bath be drawn for you.” I was even more confused, when had Josephine asked for a bath be drawn for me, I had been with her the entire morning. 

“When did she ask that?” I questioned. 

“When she asked for clothing, Lady.” She responded politely. I held in my grimace at the use of ‘lady’ and nodded. Josephine was more sneaky then I gave her credit for. I hadn’t even noticed that she asked for the bath. “These are also for you.” She handed me a vial of a clear liquid along with a bar of soap that smelt of lemon. 

I held up the vial. “What’s this?”

“An oil for the bath.” She informed me. “A couple drops in the bath and it’ll have you smelling like you are to meet the Empress of Orlais. It could also be used for hair after you wash it.”

I pulled the cork out of the vial and took a deep breath. I smiled and pulled it away from my nose. _Lavender._ “Thank you, uh...”

“Lani, Lady.” She clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head slightly. A curl of unease knotted in my stomach at the action. 

“That’s a beautiful name.” I complimented. 

“Thank you, Lady.” She smiled. She was young, older than me but still young, maybe late twenties. It was uncomfortable for me that she saw me as a better. It was a large part of why I didn’t want Josephine to make me a noble. I loathed the racism toward anything not human. I despised it back home and I despised it here. 

“You don’t have to treat me like some noble.” I told her. “I am no more than you are.”

She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head confused. “But you are a lady.”

This time I did grimace. “Unfortunately.” 

She hid a small smile. “Will you need anything else, Lady Jessabelle?”

“What do I do with the water once I’m done?” I asked. Was I supposed to just dump it outside?

“I will take care of that.” She suppressed a small giggle. “You do not have to worry.”

“I can do it if you tell me.” I pressed. 

She shook her head. “It is my duty and how I earn my coin.” She chuckled. 

I sighed and rolled my eyes lightheartedly. “Fine.”

She smiled and left with a small goodbye. I looked over at the tub of water. The steam rising off of it filled me with temptation. I walked back over to where I had placed my pack and clothing and brought it over to the back left tub. The dividers had already be partially pulled apart and I stretched them out the rest of the way. 

I undressed and slowly eased myself into the hot bath with a sigh. The hot water soothed the ache that ran throughout my body. I dunked my head beneath the steaming water and stayed there for several seconds. I was short enough the majority of my body was completely submerged except for the tips of my knees. 

After I emerged I used the soap to scrub my hair as I fingered through my strands from my skull to the tips. Though I preferred showers, this bath was a balm that soothed my anxieties and stress. Once I could run my fingers through my hair with no snags I cupped my hands into the water and lifted them above my head to rinse out the soap. 

I lathered my body with the lemon scented soap and scrubbed away any grimy feel of dirt and dead skin. When I reached over my left shoulder I paused and gently rubbed along the scar on my shoulder blade. I ran my finger along the raised skin. That demon could’ve easily killed me. If I had passed out any earlier I would have been dead. If my plan hadn’t worked I would have been dead. If I wasn’t fast enough I would have been dead. If I was a few inches closer this scar could’ve been my entire back or I would have been dead. 

So many factors had been in play for my slim chance of survival. Based on my lack of everything needed to survive in Thedas I should have already been dead. 

I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged around them while I let my forehead fall against the tips of my knees. 

What kind of deity had such a sick sense of humor that their idea of entertainment was to throw me into the mix. 

The stress of my recent torture and the fear that constantly invaded my mind finally caught up to me. I cried. I wished that I wasn’t here, that I was back home. I didn’t want to be in Thedas. So much was going to happen that was going to be heartbreaking and devastating. The fall of Haven would only be the beginning. 

What would they do to me when Haven does fall? I knew, how would I have not. And even before that would be the choice of either saving the Templars or the rebel mages. Which ever wasn’t chosen would be destroyed and corrupted by Corypheus. The sobs of my cries racked my body as I tried to keep the sound of them to a minimum. _I don’t know what I’m doing._

I lifted my head and rest my chin on top of my knees while I looked at the flames dancing in the fireplace between the crack of the dividers as my tears continued to fall. 

If I were to say nothing people would die. If I were to say something people still may die but it could be much worse than before. _Would it really be worse?_ There was no guarantee that things would be worse. Maybe it would alter for the better. My being here hasn’t changed things for the worse, not that I knew of. My presence here did result in ending a life but he was a bandit, a bad guy. His group had already sealed their death by attacking the Chargers hadn’t they? What was the difference between me or Dalish being the one to deliver his death?

What would be the downside in saving as many as I could? Haven needs to fall, but that didn’t mean the people of Haven had to fall as well. They could already be in the Chantry when the attack beings. It would have to be as natural as possible. A Chantry service for the victory of sealing the breach. No one who wasn’t capable of fighting would need to be outside that building. 

I groaned to myself through my tears and dropped forehead to my knees once again. I couldn’t believe I was going to become what had always annoyed me. I was going to become one of those fucking morons that tries to fix the world. _Could I live with myself if I don’t try to help?_ The answer was no, I couldn’t.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics_  
>  TW; mild PTSD and panic attack

After getting out of the bath I put on my last clean pair of underwear and a bra along with the new clothing I would have to wear. The pants, or breeches, were made of a brown leather that stopped at my calf and fit remarkably well and snug. Josephine sure knew how to size a person. The white tunic that reminded me of a pirate shirt somewhat felt soft and well made, however, was larger than I would’ve liked. The neck was wide enough that, even with the lace-type string tied all the way up at the top of the neckline, it could easily fall off a shoulder. If I shifted both sides up the deep neckline drooped low enough to show the lace of my bra. I groaned and dealt with the off the shoulder. I’ve worn shirts like that anyway. A nicely made brown corset was among the clothing, though I just put it into my bag. 

The boots were black and just about knee length that laced all the way up. I was also given wool socks that ended just passed the bottoms of the breeches. They would do much better in the cooler air than my thin low ankle ones. All the clothing that I had been given were wrapped within a deep brown wool cloak. I still had Maxwell’s that I would now be able to return to him. After I dressed, I brushed my teeth for a few minutes and relished in the feeling of clean teeth. 

When I had finally finished getting ready, I looked up and noticed that Lani had been waiting at the entrance of the bathhouse. She gave me a sad smile that gave away that she had heard my sobs earlier. 

I cleared my throat and straightened. “How long have you been here?”

“I waited outside the door, Lady.” She replied quietly.

I sniffed and nodded. I felt like I needed to defend myself. “I don’t typically cry, a lot has gone on in a short amount of time...” And it was true. I wasn’t much of a crier, in fact I’ve cried more in Thedas in less than three weeks than I had in several months back home, maybe even years. I hated crying, I didn’t like it, it made me feel uncomfortable especially if someone knew about it. 

She shook her head. “You don’t need to explain yourself, Lady. These are hard times for everyone.”

“Yeah...” I cleared my throat once more and took a deep breath. “Now if you’ll show me where to get rid of the water, I’ll be able to do it myself.”

She chuckled. “I don’t think so, one of Lady Josephine’s runners asked for me to inform you that your cabin is being prepared.”

I grunted. “I’d do fine in a tent.” I grumbled to myself. Lani smirked and ushered me out of the bathhouse. She closed the door behind me and I huffed in annoyance. It wasn’t that big a deal. I half shouldered my backpack and held Maxwell’s cloak in my other hand. 

The sun was passed its apex in the sky, it must’ve been passed midday already. I’d spent the entire morning in the war room and maybe an hour in the bath. The air was chilled though the heat from the sun chased away the sharpness. There were a decent amount more huts and cabins than I’d seen through a screen, which made sense. There were a decent amount of people that walked throughout Haven. 

My hair was still wet and I could feel it begin to crisp up from the cold as I walked around Haven. If I ignored the giant green vortex in the sky, it would be a nice little village to live in. And despite the ever present and looming threat, the people who lived here smiled and laughed as they went about their lives and put in their part to help the Inquisition. 

Just after I walked down to the middle level of Haven a wonderful voice called out to me. “You must be the mysterious woman people are talking about.”

I turned and suppressed a smile as I looked saw the one and only Varric Tethras, chest-hair and all. “If you so easily recognized me, then I mustn’t be so mysterious after all.”

He smirked and shook his finger as he pointed at me. “You got a quick wit there.” He walked up to me and held out he hand. “Varric Tethras.” He was almost as tall as me, or I was almost as short as him. Either way there had to be maybe half a foot or so between us, maybe less. 

I smiled. “I know, I’m Jessa.” I shook his hand while he slightly raised a brow as he looked at our hands. _They grab forearms you dumbass._ He didn’t say anything and we released hands. 

“You a fan?” He asked with a smirk.

“I’ve never read any of your novels.” I answered and stifled a chuckle when he slightly reeled back. 

“I should get you one.” He joked. “You’re missing out.”

I snorted. We talked for a little longer before he was needed somewhere else. From what I’d gathered, no one other than Bull, Maxwell, and the advisors knew that I had come from a rift and knew future events and whatnot. It was disappointing in a way. I wanted to be able to converse with the companions like I already knew them because I did in a way. But even then, they had no idea who I was. I would have to develop my own relationships with them not as the Herald, but as Jessa. Where the only exciting thing about me was traveling through a rift and I wasn’t even able to talk about it. Not unless I was told I could. I didn’t want it to spread about me. The less outside people knew about me, the better. 

I didn’t want to even think about what would happen if Corypheus got word of a person who came from another world and knew the future. He would with the utmost certainty kill me for it, more so than Leliana would. 

The further I got from the bathhouse the closer I got to the gates of Haven, and the closer I got to the sounds of swords crashing together as recruits and soldiers trained and sparred. The collision of the swords turned to the crash of a rod against metal bars in my head. I shut my eyes tight and repeated ‘I’m awake’ over and over in my head. The louder the crash, the louder I thought. My breathing picked up as the sound of the rod against the bars refused to fade. 

I opened my eyes and quickly looked around. I was near Maxwell’s cabin which was next to mine. A couple men were carrying crates out of one of the cabins that had to have been mine. I quickly made my way over to them as sweat started to collect along my forehead. When another man was grabbing the last crate I was stood in the doorway.

“You the Lady Jessabelle?” The man asked. When I nodded he explained that a servant would be by to clean up the dust. 

“I can do it.” I rushed out. 

“You sure?” The other man asked.

“Yes.” I pushed. I stood just inside the cabin as the man walked out and I closed the door behind him before I fell to my knees. The amount of air coming out wasn’t the same amount that I was sucking in. I pulled off my backpack and cloak before I began to pull at the strings of the tunic that wasn’t even by my neck but it felt like I was being choked. And yet through all this I still heard the crash of the rod. 

I clasped my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut while I repeated, “I’m awake” aloud over and over again. Each declaration of my consciousness only seemed to increase the volume of the rod bashing against the bars of my cell. 

I didn’t register the door to the cabin opening, nor did I feel the warmth of hands that grabbed my upper arms. I didn’t feel the way they shook me back and forth or how my body was moved. All I could focus on was each crash of the rod.

But soon my hands were ripped away from my ears and placed against my chest. I struggled to pull my hands away and cover my ears from the deafening rod but they didn’t budge. The back of my head and back began to gently vibrate. I rapidly shook my head to try and rid the sound. “I’m awake, I’m awake, I’m awake.”

“You...awake.” I low voice began to cut through as the back of my body vibrated. “...not asleep.” The sound almost muted out the voice. “You...breathe.”

 _Breathe. I need to breathe._ I took as deep a breath as I could and held on before I tried to slowly let it out. 

“Again.” The low voice vibrated as my head was pushed forward and fell back. I inhaled with the motion and exhaled as it fell back. “You are awake.” _Inhaled and exhale. _“You are not asleep. _Inhale and exhale._ “You need to breathe. _Inhale and exhale._ __

__This repeated for what felt like a half an hour before the rod had faded and all I heard were the faint sounds of sparring. No rod bashing against metal bars. I was out of breath and tired as I slumped back against a warm body that still held my hands against my chest. I opened my eyes and glanced down at a pair of large gray hands._ _

__I huffed tiredly. “Bull.” He released my hands and let them fall into my lap. His legs were bent on either side of me and he rested his hands on his knees. Now that I was lucid, I realized I was sat between his legs and pressed against his front with my head rested against his chest. The warmth of his body now easily felt as his presence surrounded me completely._ _

__He hummed in response that I felt vibrate from his chest and straightened his left leg into a more comfortable position with his ankle brace. The white tunic I wore fell from both shoulders and mainly hung on the curve of my breasts while the back of it draped slightly passed the middle of my back that was flush against Bull._ _

__I closed my eyes again and brought one of my hands up to wipe my face of tears and some sweat. I leaned forward and pressed my face into the palms of my hands. The loss of his heat against my back caused a small shiver as the cool air flowed over my skin._ _

__“I’m so stupid.” I mumbled into my hands. I had come to a realization sometime between the meeting this morning and right then, if I had explained myself to Leliana from the beginning I wouldn’t have had to go through the sleep deprivation. Because when I did this morning, she believed me. She was a logical person, she wouldn’t endanger the entire world just for extra knowledge. I was stupid and had to withhold even a simple explanation. I wouldn’t have had a stupid panic attack from hearing soldiers training._ _

__“I wouldn’t consider you to be stupid.” Bull replied._ _

__I humorlessly snorted and lowered my hands before turning myself around. “I am. I didn’t even need to put myself through that... that... bullshit with Leliana! But because I was stupid, I thought I HAD to!” Tears stared to fall from my eyes. “If I just gave her an explanation she would’ve understood but I was stupid and allowed myself to be tortured! How could I have fucked up so bad?”_ _

__Bull sighed and looked down at me with understanding as I cried to him. He went to place a hand on my arm but I pushed it away with a sniff as I began to shove down my emotions._ _

__“It doesn’t matter, it’s not your problem.” I cleared my throat and wiped at my face. He looked as if he wanted to say something before I changed the subject. “Why are you here anyway?”_ _

__He stared at me with an emotion I couldn’t place before he shook his head and it disappeared. “Dalish.”_ _

__“Dalish?” I furrowed my eyebrows._ _

__He nodded once. “Said she felt something weird. Something that felt like you and that something was wrong.” _Great.__ _

__“Fuck.” I breathed out._ _

__“You didn’t say you were a mage.”_ _

__“Because I’m not.” I replied quickly and he laughed._ _

__“Dalish would say she isn’t either.” He responded and lifted his eyebrow._ _

__“It’s impossible.” I countered._ _

__“So is physically being in the Fade apparently.” He answered. “You and the boss are proof otherwise.”_ _

__I rubbed at my forehead. “There is no such thing as magic where I’m from, Bull.”_ _

__“Which is where?” He pressed._ _

__I furrowed my brows. “I’ve told you I’m not from Thedas.”_ _

__He tilted his head side to side. “There’s still magic in the uncharted territories.”_ _

__I groaned angrily. “I’m not from this world, Bull! I was sucked up and shat out into an entirely different world!” I turned and searched for my backpack. It was tossed few feet away along with my and Maxwell’s cloak. I crawled over to it and yanked open the pack before I grabbed my phone from it. I turned it on and crawled back over to Bull before I pulled up my photos and chose the album that displayed places I’ve been. “This is the world I’m from, it’s called Earth.” I shoved my phone into his chest. He gently took the phone and looked at the first picture. It was a picture of me in the middle of Times Square in New York City. “To change the picture, use your finger and swipe left on the glass.”_ _

__I rested the side of my head against the palm of my left hand that leaned on my left knee as I watched Bull swipe through the pictures on my phone. The phone was dwarfed in his massive ones. He didn’t say anything as studied every picture. I hadn’t been to many places outside America but I went a long road trip after my father died in which I visited every state I could drive to, Alaska included._ _

__“What are these?” He showed me a picture of me and a group of other people that I had met who were also taking road trips. It was in Arizona, we were all set up in the desert and had arranged our cars into a semi circle with us in the center._ _

__“They’re called automobiles, but people usually call them cars.” I explained. “They are like horseless carriages that go really fast.”_ _

__I held my hand out for the phone and he placed it into my palm. I went to my videos and pulled up the one from that day. We had been well off the road and were racing each other with our non-race-cars. My beat-up hatchback never stood a chance but it was fun._ _

__He watched the video with interest. “How fast do they go?”_ _

__I snorted. “We could’ve been in Haven the same day I arrived.”_ _

__Bull looked flabbergasted as he watched the video again and again. That’s how the next few hours went. Bull would ask a question about one of the pictures he saw and I’d answer, probably in even more detail than I had with Maxwell and his advisors. I told him most of the pictures were of my home country. He was intrigued at all the different climates and environments each place had. I told him that my country was larger than most and only a couple were larger._ _

__I wasn’t an expert in geography but I did have a world map saved on my phone and it was extremely helpful. I told him that there were close to two-hundred countries in my world though the only people that lived there were humans, no other race had ever existed there._ _

__He asked dozens of questions and I answered them with full honesty, no half-truths or evasions. I was mentally exhausted from the past several days and didn’t have it in me to play games with Bull. He kept his promise in keeping my pack safe and I fully trusted him at that point. I had spent all day everyday with Bull for the better part of two weeks when we were traveling. There wasn’t anything he did that led me to believe that he would ever sacrifice his Chargers for the Qun and that knowledge set my anxieties at ease. Even his presence set me at ease._ _

__Sure, he really pulled my confession out about where I was really from but I wanted to tell him anyway. When I had shown my phone to Maxwell and him, I could tell it bothered him that I hadn’t shown it to him earlier, even just the slightest amount. Since then I’d felt kinda like a dick about it. Bull had only ever treated me with respect and kindness and I replayed that with secrecy and games. Granted I didn’t know how The Iron Bull would be like in real life, but as far as I knew he was Bull, not Hissrad._ _

__When he was finished with my phone he handed it back to me. I went into my music app and scrolled through the songs until I got to the one I wanted. I checked to make sure the volume wouldn’t be loud enough to hear outside the cabin._ _

__“I’m sure the Chargers would’ve appreciated this.” I chuckled before selecting ‘I Just Had Sex’. Bull laughed as the song played and I quietly sang along with it._ _

__After the song finished I turned off my phone and tossed it on top of my pack._ _

__“I liked your version better.” Bull chuckled._ _

__I snorted and looked up at him. He watched me with a soft expression. “What happened in the cells?”_ _

__I scoffed and stood. “It doesn’t matter.” I went to walk over to my bag to pick it up but a hand grabbed onto my forearm. It didn’t hurt but I definitely wouldn’t be able to pull out of it. I turned back towards Bull. This was the only time I had ever been taller than Bull, not matter how slight, unless the horns counted. “Bull...”_ _

__“What happened before mattered.” He cut me off. “It would be best if you knew what reminded you of what happened.”_ _

__“I already know what it was but I can’t really do anything about it.” Although I knew I wouldn’t be able to get out of Bull’s grip, I yanked my arm and he released me without word. I looked into Bull’s eye and shook my head. Not unless the Inquisition stopped sparring, I would have to deal with the metal swords clashing together. “The most I can do is just get used to it.”_ _

__“Don’t have to do it alone, Little Bird.” He responded. I smiled sadly at him._ _

__“It’s not your problem, Bull.”_ _

__He shrugged. “We both know I’m a problem solver.”_ _


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics._
> 
> _**Orlesian will be spoken in bold italics.**_ (mainly because I don't want to have to go to google translate :/ )

After Bull left I looked over the entire cabin, both the walls and floor was made of wood even though I thought it was made of stone in the game. _Maybe the stone in under the wood._ It was akin to a large room. The bed was about the size of a twin mattress maybe a bit larger. The door was on the right side of the cabin, if I were outside. The bed was set in the back left corner with a small stool/bedside table next to it. Against the back right corner was a wooden table with a couple chairs, and a fireplace made of stone was positioned in between with a decent pile of firewood just to the left if it. There were a few shelves on the walls, along with a bookshelf that didn’t hold much against the same wall the door was on. On the floor in the center of the cabin was a type of brown fur rug of what looked to be a bear. Based off the size of the fur, the bear was huge. And if the game even showed how massive they were, I knew there was a chance that they were bigger. It also meant I hoped I would never see one. 

I cleaned the dirt and dust as best I could with some supplies I had found in the cabin while I searched for any place to stow away my pack so I wouldn’t have to carry it everywhere, or at least find a hiding spot for the gun itself. I checked floor boards but none were loose enough to lift. I looked under the bed but that would’ve been too obvious. The couple windows the small cabin had were closed and curtains blocked out the sun’s light. I looked over to the fireplace that had decent flames that lit the space up in warm light. Because the cabin was small the fire warmed the area as the smoke rose through the chimney. I definitely wouldn’t feel the chill of the mountain air as long as I kept the fire going. 

When I couldn’t find any place to hide my things I slumped onto the bed with an annoyed huff. The mattress wasn’t as soft as the ones I was used to but it was several times better than a bedroll on the ground of a tent, so I wasn’t complaining. I shifted myself so I sat at the head of the bed and leaned my back against the wall and surveyed the room once more. My gaze stopped and focused on the stone chimney. I stood and walked over to it. If I were to rest my head along the back wall and look straight, there was a gap between the back of the chimney and the wall. It was small but it might be wide enough to fit the gun. 

I grabbed my backpack and tossed it onto the bed before I unzipped it and proceeded to turn it upside down and dump everything out of it. The gun was haphazardly wrapped in one of my crop tops, a dark gray one. I untangled the shirt from the gun and brought it over to the back of the chimney. It fit, with enough space to keep it wrapped in one of my shirts. I grabbed the navy one that I had worn in the cells and neatly wrapped it around the weapon before firmly sliding it between the stone of the chimney and the wood of the wall. 

Once it was securely held in place I rested my head against the wall and peered into the gap. The shirt was dark enough to not notice it unless you knew what you were looking for. I reached back in between the gap and pushed it lower. Everyone I’d met, besides Varric and Berti, were taller than me so I might as well use it to my, somewhat, advantage. After that was done I brought over a chair and stood on it to change my height and check once more before I was satisfied with the gun’s placement. 

I didn’t know what to do with the gun anymore. At first I wanted to destroy it in the forge but I didn’t know how I could ask. ‘Hey Harritt, can you destroy this insanely dangerous and otherworldly weapon for me? Thanks!’ Then I began to think about how dangerous Thedas was. The gun had already saved me once from just a man. Red Templars and Venatori were going to attack Haven, and I had no idea how to fight past a single punch. _Skinner did say she would teach me..._ That’s what I’ll do then. I’ll keep the gun until I was able to protect myself then I’ll destroy it. 

With a new plan in place I looked back over to the bed that now had all my shit on it. Every single thing I owned in this world only took up half the bed. My clothes were dirty, only way they had been washed was with water and nothing else. I set those onto the chair that I had moved away from the chimney and back over to the table. There had been an empty water basin beneath it that I would need to fill to wash my clothing, but I could deal with that at a later time. 

I set my toothpaste and toothbrush on the shelf nearest the bed along with my deodorant, those could stay out. They might be weird but they weren’t ‘otherworldly’. When I looked back over to the bed I noticed two things; one that delighted me and one that surprised me. The thing that delighted me was a solar charger that I had bought a while back when I was on my road trip. I would be able to charge my phone, I wouldn’t have to conserve the battery. The other thing that surprised, borderline stunned me, was a clear plastic ziplock bag that held another ziplock, that held another, that held my secret stash of marijuana. 

“Oh, my god.” I chuckled in disbelief and held my head in my left hand as I stared at it. I couldn’t believe that not only I had brought a gun into this world, but also weed. In the bag were also three pre-rolled blunts along with maybe half an ounce in buds. I grabbed and opened the bag just a bit before I sniffed. I snorted as I resealed it. There was a reason I sealed it in multiple bags, it was no wonder I hadn’t realized earlier. I had totally forgotten that I stored it in this backpack back home. I held out the bag and stared at it again. “What am I going to do with you?” The simplest answer was just throw it into the fire and be done with it, but... that wasn’t any fun. 

Though, if I was honest, I didn’t just smoke it for fun. It actually helped a lot with my anxiety back home, it was mainly why I had it, that and it’s fun. Part of me was a little excited about it as I put it back into my backpack along with the solar charger. The last thing on the bed was my phone which I picked up and turned on before I sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘Tuesday, October 20’ was displayed beneath the time. “Jesus Christ.” I breathed out. This was my eighteenth day in Thedas, plus the two I spent in the Fade, which meant I’ve been away from home for twenty days.

What would my job think, that I just didn’t show up anymore? I wouldn’t have called my mother since my disappearance. It was habit to talk with her at least once a week, she would know something was up the moment I didn’t call that Friday. Her first choice would be to call my older brother, Evan. He wouldn’t have heard from me since... early September maybe. He was always busy and usually out of cell reception as he traveled all over the world. Her last choice would be Declan. I grimaced. She never liked him, hated him even, always said that he was trouble waiting to happen. At least now I wouldn’t hear her gloat.

I opened my photos and went to an album I, appropriately, titled ‘Fam’. I smiled sadly as I swiped through every picture I had of her, my brother, my father while he was still alive, of all of us, even pictures I’d taken of old photographs. My favorite was a selfie I took of all four of us in an ambulance after Evan had become a paramedic. He was sat on the gurney in his uniform with a wad of bloody tissues held against his left cheek as he smiled wide with his tongue out and held up the Shaka sign with his right hand while my mother, father and myself smiled. 

I laughed softly at the memory of that day. It had been about a month since he’d began and he wanted to show off to us. He gave us a little ride and showed us all that went into being a paramedic. When he was just about finished, he slipped and fell out of the back of the ambulance and sliced open part of his cheek on a particularly sharp rock. The three of us freaked out a little at first but his partner, Amber, calmed us down and even teased him about it. She was now his wife and they traveled together. 

I felt a few tears run down my cheeks as I stared at the picture from years ago that will always be my favorite. If I couldn’t have them, this would be the next best thing. I sniffed and turned off my phone before putting it into my backpack as well. I wiped my tears and zipped it shut before I got on the floor and pushed it all the way to the back top corner beneath my bed with my legs. When I sat up and leaned back onto my hands I felt the fur of the bearskin rug between my fingers. It was a lot softer than I would have imagined. If it were a blanket I’d be all over it. 

My stomach growled loudly when I stood. When Bull had left the sun had just begun to set. By now, it would have almost finished. I re-tied my tunic that I pulled at during my panic attack and grabbed my cloak before I walked out of the cabin. _My cabin, I guess._

The early evening air brought a chill, but whatever heat the sun left still held away the bite though not for much longer. There was still some light from the sun, along with the glow of the breach that kept Haven somewhat navigable even if there were no torches or fires that lit along paths.

Although there were more huts and cabin structures, I still felt that I could easily discern where key areas were. The gates to Haven were to the right, Maxwell’s cabin was behind me, and the steps to the second level of Haven were to my left. If I were go straight for a bit I was sure it would lead me to the trebuchets, however I wasn’t used to there being cabins before them. It would be something to explore in the next days. I would need to acquaint myself with the ‘new’ Haven that I wasn’t aware of. 

I went to my left and ascended the steps. I didn’t know if there was another place to get food, the only place I knew of was the Singing Maiden. The only problem was that I had no money to pay for it, I didn’t even know how the money worked. It was coins, that’s really all I knew. Most likely gold, silver, and copper, but how did they work? How much did things cost?

I found myself waking passed where I heard loud chatter and continued toward the awful stone building. I needed to speak with Josephine. She was nice and I was sure she’d help with my dilemma. 

I took a deep and long breath before I opened the Chantry’s door and entered. It was quiet, like a church usually would be. I glanced to my right and saw doors that weren’t there in game. When I looked over to my left I almost stopped walking when I saw Madame de Fer herself. Vivienne looked every bit as high class as she did in the game, from her high cheek bones to her black thigh-high boots. And she was staring at me, intensely though I imagine any look from her would be intense. 

I focused my attention on the door that led to Josephine’s office, she didn’t say anything, but I could still feel her gaze follow me as I passed her little alcove. Just as I was about to knock on the door it opened. 

“Oh!” Josephine gasped as she placed a hand on her chest. 

“Sorry!” I held up both of my hands. “I was just about to knock.”

Once she saw it was me she lowered her hand and smiled. “Lady Jessabelle,” she stepped to the side and gestures for me to come in, “is there something I could assist you with?”

“Yes, actually.” I smiled and entered. The office looked exactly like I knew. The alcove to the left with an animal fur on the wall, the table for Helissma, Josephine’s desk located straight ahead, but there was a door directly behind her. _Probably her bedroom._ She closed the door behind me and walked with me over to her desk. “I was wondering if I could do something to earn money- Uh, coin.” I asked as she sat behind the desk and I in a chair in front of it. “I don’t have any from home but even if I didn’t it would be worthless here.”

She amusedly smiled. “Lady Jessabelle, when we established your aid in the Inquisition it implied that you will be paid for your service.”

“Oh...” I furrowed my brow. I scratched at my left eyebrow and sighed. “Is there anything else I can do? It seems weird to be paid for sometimes giving information.”

Josephine giggled, an all together pleasant sound. “You truly are no noble.” She teased. 

“No, I’m not.” I smiled sheepishly. 

“How was it that you earned coin in your world?” She asked. 

“Not really a ‘noble’ occupation.” I snorted. “I was a bartender.”

She hummed in thought and looked through pieces of parchment. “I assume you wouldn’t want to be officially employed as the Inquisition’s seer, would you?” She asked without looking up. I laughed, loudly. “I did not think so.”

I leaned over in curiosity at what she was rustling through and gasped before I quickly stood up to lean further toward a piece of parchment she held. 

She jumped at my sudden motion and stared at me with wide eyes as I looked over the paper. _I can fucking read it!_

“Is there something wrong?” She questioned, still taken aback by my behavior.

“I...” I shook my head and reached for the paper, she handed it to me. “I can read this...” The paper in my hands was just a list of supplies but it amazed me. I shouldn’t have been able to read it. I could even tell it wasn’t written English, I could see that it was a runic type of writing but somehow my brain could understand it as if it were written English. 

“Did you not know you could read?” Josephine was confused and so was I. 

“Not this...” I shook my head. “I only know how to read, write, and speak English.”

“The language of your home, yes?” She clarified and I nodded. She handed me a blank piece of parchment with a quill freshly dipped in ink. “Can you write something in your written language?”

I put down the list of supplies and gently took the quill. I wrote my name ‘Jessabelle Rivers’ in English. “Can you read that?” I turned the paper around with my left hand. She looked it over and shook her head. I turned the page back around and looked back over at the list of supplies before I wrote my name again, this time in the runic writing. I didn’t know how I knew how to write in Common or whatever their written language was called, but somehow I did. All I had to do was think about writing it in Common and out it came. When I finished I turned it back around to her. “What about that?”

She smiled. “Jessabelle Rivers.”

I laughed in astonishment and covered my mouth. _What the fuck!?_ “Do you have anything in another language?” I asked after a few seconds. 

She fingered through a few pieces before pulling out a letter and handed it to me. I took once glance at it and laughed again. I could still read it. “This is in Orlesian.” She stated. It was French/Orlesian and I could still read it. 

I brought the quill to my piece of parchment again and wrote my name once more, in French/Orlesian. I didn’t know if it was written French but spoken, Orlesian was definitely French. 

“How delightful!” Josephine chirped and placed the letter back where it was. I sat back down and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth as I stared at the parchment in bewilderment. “Are you able to speak it as well?”

I shrugged. “At this point, your guess is as good as mine.”

Josephine straightened in her seat as she cleared her throat and spoke. Her accent sounded different and her words were no longer in English/Common. And yet... “ _ **I am speaking Orlesian.**_ ”

“Holy shit...” I breathed out.

Her eyes brightened and she continued in Orlesian. “ _ **Can you speak it as well?**_ ”

I didn’t even know how I was writing in other languages let alone try to speak in another. _Copy her accent._ It couldn’t be that easy... “ _ **Am I speaking it?**_ ”

She clapped her hands with a wide smile. “While you may not be an actual noble, but it appears you have the education of one.” Her voice back to its usual Antivan accent as she switched back to English/Common. 

I covered my mouth with the tips of my fingers as I shook my head. “I’ve never been multilingual before...”

“This certainly lends credibility to your noble background.” She smiled and wrote something down on another piece of parchment. “It will be of use, I’m sure.” I nodded absentmindedly as she continued. How could I speak multiple languages... not just speak but I can read and write in them too. Sure I’ve taken a second language class in high school but I could do little more than speak with a two year old, in Spanish, not French or Orlesian or whatever. _Leliana is probably going to be even more interested._

A small pouch was placed in front of me and caused me to look back up at Josephine. “What’s this?” I asked as I grabbed the soft leather pouch. The sound of coins could be heard. 

“Coin.” She simple replied. “It should be enough until the end of the week when members of the Inquisition are paid.”

“I... I, uh, I don’t know how...” I stammered as I still tried to wrap my head around the language thing. 

“I’ll explain them to you.” She gently took the pouch and emptied the coins onto her desk. “This is a sovereign...”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

The rest of the evening went by in a blur after my meeting with Josephine. As it turns out Thedas currency was made up of gold, silver, and copper pieces. A sovereign was essentially a hundred dollar bill, silvers were single dollar bills, and coppers were like pennies. A hundred coppers made up a silver, and a hundred silvers made up a sovereign. I still wasn’t confident how how much things should cost but I’d figure it out as I went along.

My mind mainly hung up on the fact that I was apparently multilingual. I could speak probably any language in Thedas and all I had to do was just think about doing it. Same goes for writing it. Sure it was pretty fucking cool but I was just as confused as I was excited. I didn’t know how it could be possible. Could it have been my extended period of time in the Fade? Or because this was supposed to be a video game so I obviously would have to know how to speak with every person? Was I actually dead and this was some sort of limbo or afterlife? Was I in a coma?

How hadn’t I realized I was multilingual? I hadn’t seen any writing but I had heard Bull speak a word of Qunlat. **Bas**. Thing. I knew what he said but I brushed it off because I already knew was it meant from back home. I’ve heard Skinner mutter _Shem_ before while we were traveling. I also knew what it meant outside of this place. A slur for humans, quickling. 

_Boy is Bull gonna be surprised._

I didn’t see him when I stopped at the Singing Maiden for something to eat. The food was a decent amount better than what I had had on the road and a thousand times better than whatever they tried to feed me in the cells. But while I didn’t see Bull, I did see Dalish and Berti, who also helped with teaching me some more things about money. The price for their help, of course, was an ale. 

After the maiden, the sun was fully down and my tiredness had been creeping all day. It was nice to lay in an actual bed for the first time in almost three weeks. The mattress may have been thinner than what I was used to but it was much thicker than a bedroll and for that I was thankful. Despite my increased tiredness, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned for what felt like a couple hours. I counted back from a hundred several times but it didn’t help. I tried not to think at all but it didn’t work. 

I looked over to the fire that was burning in the stone fireplace and watched the warm light dance out of it. Now that I was inside and had a fire to warm the room, I was finally able to wear a pair of my sleep shorts. The were the only completely clean articles of clothing I had. I glanced at the table that now had a full basin of water so that I could finally clean my clothes properly, at the very least my underwear. I didn’t remember filling it, but when I had returned to the cabin it was there. 

A loud burst of laughter echoed from the direction of the maiden. _Drunks trying to find their bed._ I rolled my eyes and shifted so I was on my back before I closed them once again. Another burst caused me to flinch and sit up. I sighed and rubbed at my eyes before I stood from the bed. I walked over to the window and opened it slightly. A pair of men stumbled down the steps and laughed as they swayed along and out the gates in search of their tent. Once they passed I secured the window once more and closed the curtain. 

When I turned back around I caught a glimpse of a shadow in the corner of my eye and froze. If I remained still and didn’t look directly at it, the shadow also remained still. It was in the corner of the cabin near the table. _It’s watching you, don’t sleep._ My jaw clenched as my awareness of it continued. It didn’t do anything except stand there just out of the light from the fire. I slowly backed up to the door before threw it open and ran outside. I wasn’t going to let it prevent me from sleeping. I’d heard enough of the rod. 

I turned around as I continued to quickly back away from the cabin. The cold air of the night didn’t phase me as my sight was locked on the open door. I could still see the shadow as I put more and more distance between myself and the shadow guard. I could feel the freezing slush of the path encase my feet but it was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I rubbed my eyes forcefully. _It’s not real._ I opened them and looked back at the open doorway. The shadow was still there, warning me not to sleep. My steps backward never seized as I maintained watch of the shadow guard inside the cabin. Until I hit something solid. 

“Oof!” A male grunt came from the solid behind me. I quickly turned around with widened eyes. 

“I’m so sorry!” I apologized as I put my arms forward to steady both him and myself. When I noticed who it was I felt even more guilty. 

“Are you alright, Lady Jessabelle?” Cullen asked when he noticed my fearful state. I immediately turned my head back toward the doorway, the shadow was gone. I let out a breath of relief and rubbed away any tears that might have fallen. 

I swallowed as I nodded. “Yeah.”

He looked behind me at my open door before looking back down at me. “Are you sure? You seem like...”

“I’m fine.” I cut him off. “Don’t worry about it.” 

He raised his eyebrows at my quick response before he glanced down at my clothing and immediately looked up. “You should not be out in your smalls, Lady Jessabelle.”

I glanced down. Sleep shorts and a crop top might as well have been smalls by Thedas standards. I shook my head. “They’re not smalls, they’re pajamas, uh, sleep clothes.”

“Well, whatever they are,” he huffed, “you should not be wearing as little in this temperature.”

Once he mentioned the temperature a gust of ice burrowed deep into my core. I hugged my arms around myself. “Do you know where Bull is?”

He furrowed his brow. “Uh, the last I knew of he was at the Singing Maiden.”

I nodded and began to walk up the steps to the second level, but was stopped with a gentle had on my shoulder. 

“You plan on walking into a tavern like that?” He asked in concern. 

“Judging by the sounds of drunks leaving, I would guess it’s just about empty.” I stated. I knew it was dumb, but I didn’t want to go back into that cabin alone. “Besides, this isn’t the most revealing thing I’ve worn in public.”

Cullen cleared his throat and reached for the back of his neck. “Uh,”

I took advantage of his fluster and increased the distance between us. “Oh, Cullen.” I turned. 

He looked up the steps at me.

“You should write, Mia, more.” I suggested. “She cares about you.”

He reeled back at my words before he went to speak.

“If I could write my brother, I would.” I said and ran the rest of the way up the steps before he could say more. It always annoyed me how much he pushed off writing Mia in the game, she cared about him and he always acted like it was a chore. 

By the time I made it to the entrance of the Singing Maiden my feet were wet with slush and almost numb. I kept my arms around me as I entered and looked at the table where I had seen Bull before. I was right in my assumption that the maiden was nearly empty except for a few stragglers, including Bull who was already walking to the door when I entered.

He stopped when he saw me and looked me up and down. I wore only a pair of dark gray sleep shorts and a black crop top with my hair tied messily on top of my head. My arms were wrapped tightly around myself and I was shivering with muddy slush covering my bare feet. I’ll admit, I looked every bit a mess. 

I sniffled as he walked up to me. “You said you wanted to help?” He gave a nod. “Can you look in my cabin and reassure me that there’s nothing there?”

Bull walked back with me to the cabin that still had an open door. I waited outside when he entered. The cabin was a single room so it didn’t take any time at all before he called for me to enter. Even though he said there was nothing I was still apprehensive as I stepped inside. 

“Nothing?” I asked quietly.

“Nothing.” He confirmed. “What did you see?”

I scoffed. “Obviously nothing.” I was annoyed with myself and a little embarrassed that I ran like some scared little kid. Bull didn’t buy into my sarcasm and waited for a real answer. When I realized he wasn’t going to accept my no answer I sighed. “I saw a shadow.” I mumbled. 

“Where?” He asked softly. I gestured over near the table with my head. He went over to the fire after he grabbed a candle from the sparsely filled bookshelf. He took a small piece of bark and lit the candle as he placed it on the table. The light of the candle diminished any shadows that hid just out of reach from the flames of the fireplace. 

I felt my eyes begin to sting so I blinked rapidly as I looked up. _This is so fucking dumb._ I groaned in annoyance before I sat on the bear rug in front of the fire and hugged my knees. I heard the slush of water before a wet cloth was offered to me. “Thanks.” I croaked out and took it to clean off my feet. The piece of cloth felt warm against my cold feet but I knew it was just because my feet were colder than the water. “I’m sorry to make you do this.” I sniffled. 

“No one makes me do anything.” He replied. 

I snorted. “I bet the Qun would beg to differ.” He didn’t reply as I finished cleaning off my feet and placed the dirty cloth on the edge of stone in front of the fire before I hugged my knees once more. It was quiet for a while before the sound of a chair was pulled out from the table. I knew he would want some type of explanation or maybe he didn’t. 

I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I didn’t ask.” He responded. I huffed and turned to look at him. He was sat on the chair near the table that didn’t have my clothing on it. He was leant forward with his elbows on his knees while he faced me. 

“You don’t have to.” I countered. “You’re you.”

He snorted and lifted his brow as he leaned back in the chair. “You don’t have to talk about it. But I think it would help.”

I shook me head. “Nah.” I turned my head back towards the flames and watched them dance. “I’d rather not dwell on my fuck up.”

Bull sighed. “Then talk about something else.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked back over to him. “Like what?”

He shrugged. “What was your life like?”

I chuffed in disbelief. “You wanna make small talk?”

He chuckled. “It’s only small if you make it.”

It had to have been around midnight or one AM when Bull and I began to ‘chitchat’. It started with what my job was, then it went into home life and friends, then family, then my childhood. As each progression grew more and more personal, Bull eventually moved from the chair and sat on the rug with his back against my bed. He told me of jobs he’d done before he began the Chargers and what life was like back on Par Vollen. Just about everything he told me, I had no previous knowledge of. It was nice to not know something for a change, a chance to learn things I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how predictable I found things when I knew about them. Believe me, I’d rather know some of what’s to come to prepare myself, but it was relieving not to for a change.

As we talked I had moved from my place in front of the fire and sat next to Bull against the bed. The last thing I remembered was leaning my head against his arm and that was it. I woke up by myself in the bed with the blanket pulled up and the sun shining through the small crack below the door. I looked over to the table that had a fully burned down candle as well as a second one halfway melted as it still burned. I chuckled to myself. He lit another one after I was already asleep. _What a fuckin softy._

After I got up from my bed I took care of my teeth and scrubbed myself down with the cool water from the basin. I used some of the soap just to feel clean before I began to wash my underwear and bras. I dipped them into the water before I scrubbed them with the bar of soap and dunked them below the water several times to rinse the soap. I looked over to the stone fireplace and noticed a thin metal bar that swung out from inside it. It must’ve been used to hang a bucket or pot from. I used the dirtied cloth to pull it out and hung my wet panties on it to dry. I repeated the process with all my underwear and bras. 

Finally having clean underwear again was going to feel so good. When I had finished with all my under-things I made sure the bar wasn’t close enough that my things would set aflame. The fire was low since I hadn’t added anymore to fuel it but I still didn’t want to take the chance. 

There was a knock on the cabin door just as I hung the last pair of panties on the bar. “Who is it?” I called out.

“Maxwell.” Came the reply. 

“Oh!” I rushed to the door and opened it. “Good morning.”

He smiled. “Good morning, Lady Jessabelle.” I grimaced and he chuckled. “I just wanted to inform you that there will be a meeting with the Seeker, Spymaster, Ambassador, Commander, and myself at midday.”

“An impressive list of titles.” I joked. 

He chuckled. “It would appear so.” He glanced down before his eyes snapped back to my face as he cleared his throat. “I’ll leave you to finish dressing.”

I held in a laugh. _People here are such prudes._ I’ve worn less in a grocery store. “Of course, Herald.”

“Uh, Maxwell,” he clarified, “Please.”

“Uh, Jessa, please.” I copied. He smirked and nodded before he said a quick goodbye. I snorted as I closed the door. After that, I quickly took off my pajamas and put on the clothing I had from yesterday. It would be a little bit until midday and I wanted to make sure it would be okay for Skinner to teach me daggers. 

Once dressed, without the corset, I exited the cabin and was instantly overwhelmed with the need to relieve my bladder. _Oh shit..._ I looked around for any indication as to where I could squat down. I hadn’t seen any place where the people of Haven used to relieve themselves. There had to be trenches or something right? Not everyone had a camber pot or bucket or whatever to use. I quickly ducked behind the cabin and pulled down my breeches before I nearly lost control of my bladder. _I have to find where to pee._ I’d rather just go outside behind a bush or something rather than a pot or where multiple people went though. 

When I finished, I kicked snow to cover the melted snow and tucked my tunic back into my breeches. I’ll definitely have to find somewhere else to go, I did not want to use a pot. It grossed me out. 

The doors to Haven were open and recruits were training just to the right. The sounds of the swords colliding gave me some pause but as long as I saw the swords it didn’t have the same effect as it did yesterday. Bull was to the left, in front of his tent along with Krem. 

“Hello there, little bird!” Krem greeted with a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

“Hey, Krem.” I smiled in return. “Nice to see you, too.” I looked at Bull. “Morning, Bull.”

“Good morning.” He smiled. “What brings you out here?”

“I wanted to ask if it would be okay with you if I could ask Skinner to teach me daggers.” I asked as I twisted my fingers together. 

Krem laughed as Bull’s smile remained but it felt less. “You learn daggers?” Krem laughed. “Aren’t you an archer?”

I furrowed my brow. “I don’t know how to shoot an arrow?”

He snickered. “An archer like Dalish.”

I slapped my hand to my forehead and sighed. “No, I’m not.” I couldn’t believe she told them. I wasn’t a mage, I was just displaced. 

“Why do you want to learn daggers?” Bull asked curiously. “Planning on fighting anytime soon?”

_He’s fishing._ “I just want to be able to protect myself.” I answered. 

“What about that...” Krem began and I coughed loudly to cut him off. He caught on and nodded in realization. Sure, Krem has no idea about the gun itself but he heard the explosion so it wasn’t hard to figure that I had something that caused it. “Right.” He confirmed.

“So?” I looked up at Bull with pleading eyes. 

His gaze glanced passed me before he began to smirk and shrugged. Just as I turned to see what he was looking at I felt a hand grip my left arm right before I squeaked as my sight was turned upside down and the ground met my back. 

“What the fuck!?” I quickly sat up and turned to see Skinner laughing along with Krem and Bull. “What was that for!?”

Skinner smiled and squatted so she was eye level with me. “You wanted to train.”

I scoffed and started to get up. “Yeah, when I’m ready for it!”

She straightened and shrugged. “Fights don’t always happen when you expect.” Once she finished the last word of her sentence she went to grab my left arm once again before I narrowly shifted my shoulder back and caused her to miss. She smirked before she grabbed my right shoulder and pulled my back to her front as she held her arm across my throat and a dagger in front of me. “Don’t always assume you know your opponents’ next move.”

I scoffed and pulled her arm from my neck to turn around, which she let happen without a fight. “All I wanted right now was to just ask...” I began before she made another attempt to grab for my left arm, I dodged and she went for my right shoulder, which I dodged as well. She then brought her right shoulder to my mid section and lifted me. I squealed I was raised into the air. Her hands pushed above my knees to flip me over her. I hit the ground with a grunt. The three of them joked and teased as I closed my eyes. _This is going to be awful._


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

I managed to get Skinner to stop attacking me by running from her while I explained that I had to meet with the heads of the Inquisition at midday. She scoffed and complained that they’d asked enough questions yesterday. She said I wasn’t a prisoner anymore and asked why I had to still meet with them. I told her that I wanted to help and by meeting with them, I was. I promised her that after the meeting she could toss me around until she was content. Which in hindsight, might not have been the best promise. 

When I looked up into the sky, the sun was almost at its peak which meant I needed to get to the war room. Though I did stop at the maiden for an apple before I arrived at the Chantry. The door opened just as I was about to grab it. I stepped to the side to let whoever it was pass. And when I looked up, I froze. Solas. 

He didn’t seem surprised that I had been right there when he exited the Chantry. He smiled politely at me and inclined his head in greeting. “Hello, you must be Lady Jessabelle, I am Solas. I have heard a bit about you.”

I didn’t answer right away as I stared at the Dread Wolf himself, but quickly caught myself and cleared my throat. “I am.” He wore the same garb he donned in the game; beige sweater with dark green breeches and his feet were wrapped while his toes remained out. The wolf jaw bone hung from a thin piece of rope around his neck that fell around his solar plexus. He was taller than I pictured him, he must’ve been almost six foot. “What have you been told?”

I saw an amused glint in his eye. “The Herald has informed me that you fell from a rift as well.”

“That I did.” I nodded and slightly tilted my head. “Anything else?” The glint only grew. He enjoyed playing, kind of like Bull. I didn’t expect anything less from Fen’Harel. 

He threw me a bone, so to speak. “He also mentioned your recollection of the Fade.” His eyes grew with interest when I nodded. “What did you see?”

The resident Fade expert oozed out of him once he realized I remembered the Fade, and of course it would. He loved the Fade, even spent most of his time thinking about if he wasn’t dreaming. I took a bite of my apple and shrugged. “Not much.”

He furrowed his brow. “How do you mean?”

“What I said, I didn’t see much.”

He huffed in mild annoyance. “You were physically in the Fade and didn’t see much? No spirits nor demons? Nothing?”

If I was honest, I really want to ask Solas tons of questions because he may be the only one who would even come close to being able to answer them but he was still Fen’Harel. He caused this entire mess when he handed that orb to Corypheus, granted he didn’t know this was going to happen but still. 

“A wisp and a demon.” I replied just before my name was called from inside the Chantry. I craned my head and saw Maxwell waving me into the back room. I turned my attention back to Solas. “Gotta go. See you around.” As I moved around him his hand reached out and grazed mine. A borderline painful prickling sensation shot up from the contact and I ripped my arm away to hold to my chest. “What the fuck was that?”

“My apologies, Lady Jessabelle.” He inclined his head with a mildly surprised look in his eyes. “It was not supposed to cause you harm.”

I rubbed at my hand as my skin still tingled and itched. “What did you do?” I furrowed my brow. 

Before he could answer, a pleasing voice met Solas and myself. “Solas, Lady Jessabelle.” Cullen greeted as he approached holding several pieces of parchment. 

“Commander.” Solas nodded in greeting. 

Cullen noticed me rubbing my hand. “Are you alright, Lady Jessabelle?”

Though I still rubbed my hand I nodded. “Yeah, just a cramp I think.”

He chuckled. “Yes, I saw how one of The Iron Bull’s Chargers tossed you around for a bit.”

I snorted and let my hand drop despite the tingling itch. “Believe it or not, I was only there to ask her a question.”

Cullen smiled and it reminded me of the sun; beautiful and hot. Cullen was a drop dead gorgeous man. It was no wonder in the game Leliana joked that he should just stand there and look pretty. 

“If this meeting is over, we have another one back there.” Maxwell joked as he approached. 

“Of course, Herald.” Cullen cleared his throat and moved around us to enter the Chantry. 

I snorted and followed not far behind him after I said a quick goodbye to Solas. My arm still tingled and itched but it was fading. I didn’t know what he did to it to cause that prickling sensation. What reason did he have to use magic on me like that? He said it wasn’t supposed to hurt, so what was it supposed to feel like instead? Was it just supposed to feel like nothing cause it certainly didn’t feel like nothing. The closest thing I could compare it to was getting an electric shock that traveled up my arm, but more painful and hung around like an aftertaste almost. 

The meeting went in a circle as the advisors argued about who they should ask for aid in sealing the breach. Maxwell claimed it was worth at least meeting with the Grand Enchanter and the rebel mages after she reached out to him in Val Royeaux. 

“What does our seer think?” Leliana directed her attention to me.

“What are you asking specifically, Spymaster?” I questioned as I stood taller at the attention. 

“Would it be worth it to meet with Grand Enchanter Fiona?” She clarified. 

In my opinion it was always worth it, I always sided with the mages. I understood why Cullen fought so hard for the Templars and the order he had been apart of. But what the Venatori were doing to the Tranquil and tampering with time magic was always the larger threat than red Templars, to me. “I would say so.” I stated. “If you do travel to Redcliffe you won’t need to make your decision then and there. You will have time to think it over.”

Maxwell clapped his hands together once. “Then it’s settled. Once Master Dennett arrives with some mounts, I will ride for Redcliffe.”

Cullen groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose as Josephine wrote something down on her board. 

“If that is your decision,” I started and Maxwell looked over at me, “I would recommend bringing along someone who is quite skilled at lock-picking if you, yourself, aren’t great at it.” That hut was always a bitch to deal with but what was inside was important to know if he was going to make a rational decision. He’d need all the facts. 

He tilted his head. “What for?”

“To pick a lock.” I said and he snorted. “There’s a hut inside Redcliffe that you will need to enter.”

“What is inside this hut?” Leliana asked curiously as she leaned closer. 

I shook my head. “You will need to find out for yourselves, but it will be important to know.”

“That doesn’t sound ominous at all.” Maxwell replied sarcastically but nodded. “I’ll keep an eye out.” 

The rest of the meeting went by with my mild input here and there. War table missions weren’t at the forefront of my memory. A few I could recall easily, but just the bare necessities. Like the one mission where some noble wanted refugees off his land and wanted the Inquisition to force them out. The best option for that one was Cullen’s method, help the refugees though it appears that the Inquisition has done want the pompous noble asked for; a win-win situation. 

There were few others I could recall with no prompt, but as I heard some of them, bits and pieces sounded familiar. With all others I could really only give my honest opinion and I told them so. I didn’t remember every single smaller matter, only larger ones. 

As I exited the Chantry I heard my name called from behind me. I smiled as Cullen approached while the rest of the advisors left. “A moment?” He asked. 

“Sure.” I responded and walked beside him. I always struck me as tall, and I was right. He was more than a full head taller than me.

He grew a sudden nervousness as he reached behind his head and rubbed at his neck. I suppressed my smile of recognition and waited. “It’s about last night.”

I felt a pang of regret. I shouldn’t have mentioned Mia. It wasn’t my place to speak on such matters. “I should apologize, I should not have said anything.” I stopped walking and turned to him fully.

He shook his head as he stopped as well. “You do not need to apologize...”

“No I should, it wasn’t right.” I cut him off. “It’s not my business whether you write to your family or not. I’m sorry.”

He smiled faintly. “Though I accept your apology, it is not required. I should write her more.”

I huffed amusedly. “It’s required to me.”

He chuckled. “That is not why I wanted to speak with you.” He clarified as we continued to walk through Haven. “You seemed quite shaken last night.”

“Oh, that.” I sighed. “You don’t need to worry, I’m fine.”

I saw him give me a side eye. “I suspect it had something to do with...”

I cleared my throat to cut him off. “It did, but I’m working on it.”

“It is my turn to apologize.” He said sincerely. “I should have done something sooner.”

“It’s not your fault, Commander.” I stated firmly. “I am vaguely aware of your stance.”

He turned his head to me fully. “My stance?”

I nodded. “Mhm, on being tortured.” I knew from reading up on Dragon Age about how Cullen was held prisoner and presumedly tortured for an undisclosed amount of time. I couldn’t even imagine how horrific it must’ve been. I knew that sleep deprivation was awful but I had no idea how I would last if Leliana had decided to physically torture me. 

His step faltered but he quickly regained his pace. “Of course.” He cleared his throat. “You won’t...”

“Of course not.” I quickly reassured him. “I would never say a word.”

“My thanks.” He offered and I hummed in acceptance. 

“Look at us.” I snorted and he looked at me. “Bonding through trauma.”

He chuckled. “It appears so.”

Once we exited the gates of Haven he bid me a farewell and went over to the recruits who were training. The metal swords echoed though I constantly glanced at them to remind myself. I didn’t have to for long before my body was lifted. 

“Skinner!” I screeched before she went to toss me over her. I quickly hugged around her midsection and let my lower body drop. It gave some unexpected momentum that pulled her with me to the ground. She landed with her back on top of me before she rolled off and laughed. 

“Not bad!” She tapped my forehead a couple times. “Quick thinking is hard to teach.” She stood and offered a hand to pull me up. In hindsight, it might not have been the smartest idea, but I pulled at her hand hard to yank her down to ground once more. She did fall though she did some trick that I couldn’t follow and rolled while she pulled me with her that resulted in her straddling my pelvis with a dagger pointed at my throat. “You will need to learn how to pick your battles, however.” 

I’ve watched self defense videos that started in this exact position. All I needed to do was plant my feet on the ground and shove my pelvis upwards. As I did that I hooked my left arm over hers and pushed her side with my right hand to flip us over so that I was over her. With her arm still trapped around mine I slowly began to bend her arm backwards. 

“I yield!” She laughed as I released her arm with a smile. “Maybe I should not assume your next move either.”

I bit my lower lip as I smiled and helped her up. “That’s one of the only moves I know so I wouldn’t assume my own next ones either.”

“Where did you learn that?” She asked with a laugh. “Thought you weren’t a fighter?”

I shook my head. “I’m not. I watched someone else do it.” I replied. “Didn’t even know if it would work.”

Skinner pat my shoulder with the arm I had locked. “It worked. Now, let’s continue...”

I discarded my cloak on one of the stone pillars outside the gate before Skinner threw me around some more. She eventually tired of that and finally brought out her daggers to teach me about them. She loosely demonstrated how to hold them and how to block before she grabbed four training daggers and handed two of them over. She gave a curt nod before she lowered into a ready stance and raised her daggers. She explained how far apart my feet should be and how I should distribute my weight over both feet to steady myself. 

Once I lowered she immediately came at me and began to slice with her practice daggers. I began dodging as fast as I could, just barely missing most of her attacks. My daggers were never used as I constantly ran from her advances. “I don’t know what to do!” I called out before her dagger sliced at my left arm, cutting through the tunic’s sleeve and just scraped along the top of my forearm. 

The practice daggers were only considered ‘training’ ones because the blades were duller than actual daggers. The blade may be dulled but it could still cut skin, the thin red line on my arm confirmed that. “Time out!” I yelled as I ducked another swipe of Skinner’s dagger. She didn’t stop and continued her assault. I jumped back at another lunge. “I said time out!” I called out and repeatedly made a ‘T’ with my hands as they held the daggers. _I don’t think she knows what time out means._ Another dagger swiped over my head as I evaded her once again. “I yield!” 

Once the word ‘yield’ made it out of my mouth, her assault stopped as a dagger pointed at my throat. The tenseness of my muscles released once she pulled her dagger away with a smirk. I let out a breath and kicked dirt at her. “‘Time out’ means wait!” 

She laughed and raised her daggers as she shrugged. 

“No!” I pointed at her with my right dagger and wiggled it around. “No, none of this...” I mock shrugged to mimic her. She pulled her lips in to hold in a laugh. “You can’t expect me to instantly know how to fight with daggers!” I knew she found my anger amusing, I could see it on her face. The more she held her amusement back, the more annoyed I got. “All you did was essentially say ‘this is how you hold them’ and then you came at me!”

She couldn’t hold her laughter back anymore and full on burst out in hysterics as she clutched at her stomach. I growled in frustration while she continued to ignore me and laugh. I threw my hands up in annoyance and dropped the daggers before I rubbed at my face. Maybe Skinner wasn’t the best option if I wanted to learn how to fight, but she was the only one I knew for sure used daggers. Cole might’ve been best but he wasn’t here. Maxwell I wasn’t sure about, he could’ve been an archer... an actual one, not a Dalish one. 

Daggers were, in my opinion, the easiest to learn. I didn’t have the precision needed for archery. I didn’t have the strength needed for a double handed weapon. I didn’t have the apt needed for a sword and shield. Daggers were my only option. 

I stood with my arms crossed as I waited for Skinner to calm herself. When she finally did she wiped a tear from her eye. Whether she actually laughed so hard that she cried, I didn’t know, but she did laugh hard. “Are you done?” I asked. 

“Yes.” She breathed out with a smile.

“Now will you take this seriously?” I bent over and picked up my discarded practice daggers. 

“I have been.” 

I scoffed. 

“I was learning how you moved and your instincts.” She explained. “I need to know where to begin.”

“Oh.” I furrowed my brow and cleared my throat. “What did you learn?”

“You’re quick and dodge well enough. Though you seemed to forget you had daggers.” She smirked as she gestured to my daggers with her dagger. 

“I didn’t forget.” I defended with a huff. “I just don’t know how to USE them.”

She chuckled and dropped into a stance once again. “We will go slow.” She assured at my hesitance. I nodded and lowered. 

Skinner was right, we did go slow. She said that dodging was better than blocking when it came to a sword or a larger weapon but she did guide me through a couple techniques to prevent something from coming into contact with my skin. I also gained a few more thin cuts along both of my forearms. They were thin and shallow enough that they wouldn’t scar but they did bleed. The white sleeves of my tunic now sported slices through the fabric as well as blood stains from my several cuts, and dirt from being thrown around. The once white tunic was now white, red, and brown. 

By the time I Skinner called for a halt, I was exhausted and leaned against the stone wall that held my cloak atop it. The sun had begun to set and bathed the area in pink and gold. I leaned my hands on my knees as I caught my breath. My hair that had been secured into a neat braid was now half undone and fly aways stuck to the sides of my face with sweat. Skinner approached and patted me on my back. 

“You did well.” She praised. “And you do not stink.”

I laughed and leaned back up against the stones. It was good to know that my deodorant held up against dagger training. “Thanks for going slow.”

She waved her hand. “The cost for my services is ale.”

“Of course it is.” I snorted. “Let’s get something to eat while we’re at it.”

After I caught my breath, I grabbed my cloak though I didn’t put it back on and we headed for the Singing Maiden. As we walked she gave feedback on how to move more fluidly and less abruptly. The game really did Skinner an injustice. Sure she was stand-offish but once you got past that, she was actually pleasant to be around. I’m not saying she wasn’t a hard personality because she was but oddly enough she reminded me of back home. 

The maiden was packed when we arrived. Sunset was about the exact time of dinner, just about everyone who’s day ended with the sun were in the maiden. Whether they would stay after they received food and ale was another matter. 

“Oi!” A voiced screeched from the swarm of people. “Back off or I’ll put an arrow in your leg!” The voice was extremely familiar and could only belong to one spunky prankster archer. And soon I was able to she her as she stood upon a stool and ordered her drink. I laughed as Sera received her tankard and hopped off the stool, disappearing in the crowd. 

A while ago I had taught the Chargers how to play rock, paper, scissors when we were on our way to Haven. I mention it was a game but it was also used to pick someone to do a certain task that no one wanted. So when Skinner looked to the crowd of people then to me and raised her fist in preparation, I understood that this was a serious matter as I copied her movement. She gave a nod in confirmation and I gave one back before we shook our fists at the same time. 

_Rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!_ She kept her hand in a fist while I laid mine flat. I smirked and she swore. _Paper covers rock._ I snickered and handed my coin pouch over to her. “An ale and something tasty please.”

She grunted and shoved her way into the mob. I, on the other hand, followed the left wall to move around the people at the bar, though I still had to squeeze around some stragglers. My destination was Bull and the Chargers’ self-assigned table in the back. If there were less people I would’ve taken my chances and elbowed straight through but since there wasn’t, I traced along the wall until the people were more sporadic. Once they were I was able to see the Chargers’ table without Bull heading it. 

His absence reminded me that I hadn’t seen him since that morning. _He does more than sit in a tavern, dumbshit._ Of course he did more. I shook my head and approached the table that had Berti, Dak, and Stitches sat on the far side while Dalish sat alone on the other while the head of the table was bare. The temptation to sit in Bull’s seat was eating at me but I pushed it aside and sat to the left Dalish. 

“Hey!” I greeted as I sat. All of them had been in various stages of eating. 

“What’s happened now?!” Stitches stood and reached across the table for my arms. He took ahold and pulled them closer to inspect which caused the table to dig into my upper stomach enough to release a grunt. 

“You’re too far to be pulling on me like this.” I wheezed out before yanking my arms back and rubbed at the area where the edge of the table dug in. He sat with a grumble. “I’m fine, Skinner was teaching me daggers.”

Dak scoffed. “Should let Stitches take a look then.”

I rolled my eyes. “They’re nothing, stopped bleeding too, already scabbing up.”

Dalish parted one of the slices in the sleeve and looked at a cut before she shrugged. “She’s right.”

I made a face to Dak and Stitches that said ‘See’. “Told you.”

“Where is Skinner anyway?” Berti asked just before a bowl of stew dropped in front of me with a loud ‘thunk’ followed by a tankard of ale and my coin pouch. Skinner then sat with her own ale and stew on the other side of Dalish. 

I began eating my stew that wasn’t bad while the Chargers conversed as they ate. The meat was probably ram, and there were chunks of potato as well as cabbage that swam around in gravy. It was still warm and had a half roll rested atop it. Most of the food I’ve eaten was more bland than I was used to but I wasn’t complaining as the warmth traveled down my throat with each swallow. The ale tasted like every beer I’ve ever had except that it wasn’t ice cold. I was sure a ‘professional’ could easily tell the differences but I couldn’t care less after the fact that it was alcohol. _You’d think with all the snow around they’d have cold ale._

By the time I had finished eating, Skinner had drank half my ale. “The fuck Skinner?”

She shrugged. “Drink faster.” The others chuckled and continued their conversations. 

I scoffed and grabbed the tankard. I looked down into it and swirled the brown liquid around. The tankards we’re larger than I’d receive back home. They could easily hold two or more cans of beer. Skinner had left a little over half of the ale for me. After I rolled my eyes I chugged the rest of the ale. The carbonation scratched at the back of my throat with every gulp until there was no more liquid. 

I heard a whistle as I lowered my empty tankard. “Who woulda thought the little bird could drink.” Dak teased and raised his tankard before downing the rest of it as the rest of the Chargers followed suit. 

The rest of the evening passed with jokes, stories, and a little more ale before I decided to be the first to head back to my cabin. I bid the Chargers goodnight and left the Singing Maiden lightly buzzed. I hadn’t been buzzed since I’d arrived in Thedas. It was a feeling I’d missed. I used to be a bartender so I did drink often but it seemed the alcohol in Thedas was a bit stronger than a normal beer back home. I only had one and a half tankards but I felt light and a warmth that came from my stomach. 

I arrived at my cabin and was immediately confused. _Someone was in here._ There was a fire burning as well as more Thedas clothing folded on my bed. My brow furrowed as I approached the pile. I fingered through and counted four tunics of similar styles; light brown, black, dark green, and another white one. Below the tunics were two pairs of leather breeches; black and dark brown. To the side of the pile were two black corsets that laced from the front and would start just below my breasts and stop passed my waist. Both had two straps about two inches thick that would go over my shoulders like a tank top. 

I dropped the corset and turned around, searching the cabin. The candle in the corner of the room wasn’t lit yet. _Wasn’t Bull._ The wash basin was refilled with fresh water. I walked over the the table after I took a piece of bark from some of the firewood that was stacked just to the right of the fireplace and lit the candle. _Who the fuck was in here?_

I immediately rushed over to the gap between the wall and the stone chimney and looked for the gun wrapped in a shirt. I released a breath when I saw it was still there. A sudden knock caused me to jump. I cleared my throat before I went to the door and opened it. 

“Sorry to bother you, My Lady.” Lani apologized with a deep tilt of her head. “I wanted to inform you before you saw for yourself.”

“Inform me of what?” My brow furrowed. 

She cleared her throat and fiddled with her fingers. “I came by earlier and delivered some new clothing for you. Lady Josephine says that the these tunics will fit a bit better than what you had until a seamstress can fit them to you.”

“Ah...” It was her who started the fire and changed the basin’s water. “I assume the fire and basin was you as well.”

She nodded. “I filled it when you first settled in as well, My Lady.” 

Well that answered that question. “Why did you do that?”

“You don’t seem to take well to having things done for you.” She stated. “So I did them discreetly.”

I huffed in disbelief. “I don’t...” I licked my lips. “I don’t need someone to do things for me.”

“Lady Josephine has assigned my position to you.” 

I reeled back in confusion and discomfort. Why would Josephine do that? “Like as a uh... a uh...” My mind blanked at the news. I snapped my fingers as I tried to remember what it was called. 

“A lady’s maid, My Lady.” 

_Someone needs to tell Josephine I’m not a Lady... again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as this story continues, I've noticed the chapters are getting longer than what I originally started with so I might have to decrease the amount of times I post to maybe Mondays and Fridays, or Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don't know yet but I keep finding I'm behind on when a chapter should be completed to be able to post Mon, Wed, and Fri. I'm really sorry if you guys are annoyed about it :/


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Direct thoughts are in italics and will never have quotations around them_  
>  and so will Elvhen  
> If it's too confusing, let me know and I'll change what font Elvhen will be in.

Lani left not long after revealing the news of being my lady’s maid and I went to sleep not long after that. I obviously needed to speak with Josephine again to explain that a lady’s maid was unnecessary. I also needed to figure out how the fuck I knew languages I shouldn’t. The best person to ask was, in fact, the worst. Solas. I still couldn’t believe he used some type of magic on me, though I was extremely curious as to what he did and why. Which was why, after I readied myself for the day, I marched over to his cabin to confront the Dread Wolf himself. _I hope he doesn’t kill me._

Before I did, however, I did find out where the trenches were. I couldn’t believe I had ever missed them, the smell was pungent and repulsive. _Maybe I will use a pot._

Once I saw my destination I began to wimp out. The courage I once had decreased with every step closer. How was I supposed to confront him? ‘Hey, Fen, why’d you hurt my arm yesterday? What’s that all about?’ _That’s dumb._ ‘Solas, what was that bullshit yesterday, huh?’ _Better, still dumb._ ‘Hey, Solas, what did you do to my...’

“Oh!” A solid mass collided against my side. 

“Shit!” I blurted and grabbed on to their arm which, in turn, caused them to grab ahold of mine as well. “I’m so sorry.” I looked up at a nice looking face, light hair but dark eyes, no stubble and a nose that looked like it had been broken before. 

He released my arm, and I his, once we were both steady. “I apologize, I wasn’t watching where I was walking.”

I shook my head. “I wasn’t paying attention either, I’m sorry.” This was the second time I’ve slammed into someone because I wasn’t paying attention. 

“There is no need, Lady.” He inclined his head politely. “A scout should always be on the look out.”

“A scout?” I chuckled. “Shouldn’t you be, uh, scouting?”

He bit back a laugh as he explained he was only here to give his report to the Spymaster, along with his partner, then return to the Hinterlands. 

“Who’s your partner?” I asked. 

“Scout Butler.” He replied. 

I froze at the name. Butler... Butler wasn’t a scout, he was one of Leliana’s agents. One who betrays the inquisition by killing another agent.

I furrowed my brow and cocked my head. “I’m sorry, what was your name?”

He smiled. “My name is Farrier, Lady.”

I breathed out forcefully before I immediately turned and ran for Leliana’s tent. I bobbed and weaved around runners and civilians alike. “Leliana!” I called out as I quickly approached. Her head turned away from a runner she was speaking to and in my direction as I practically skidded to a halt at the front of her tent. “I need to speak with you, now.” I panted out. 

She nodded and sent away the runner before she invited me into the tent. “What is it, Lady Jessabelle?”

“Butler.” I whispered and her head cocked. “He’s going to betray the Inquisition.”

She became rigid. “Why would he do such a thing?”

“I don’t know.” I rubbed at the side of my face. “All I know is he does and kills Farrier.”

“Farrier?” She repeated before she turned and slowly paced. “He’s one of my best agents.”

I nodded as she continued speaking to herself in an attempt to understand why one of her agents would become a traitor. 

“You know this as a fact?” She stopped pacing and turned to me. I nodded. “Then I will need to deal with him.”

“Don’t kill him.” I blurted as I put both of my hands out. She stared daggers at me. 

“You just informed me of one of my agents’ future betrayal.” She stood rigid with both arms behind her back. “Are you not so sure anymore?” She accused. 

“It’s not that.” I shook my head. “He hasn’t done it yet, I don’t know why he does it, but wouldn’t it be best to, I don’t know, know why he did it, or does it?”

She remained silent as she thought over my suggestion. “Do you know when this occurs?”

“I don’t know dates.” I confessed. She went silent once more. 

She eventually nodded once. “Very well, I will see what I can do.”

I slumped in relief. It was important to me that Leliana be softened. If she were to kill Butler, that would throw out any chance she had. I didn’t know if Maxwell was going to support her in becoming divine, but if she were to remain hardened and become divine, she’d rule with an iron fist. “Good.” I breathed out with a nod. “Good.” I repeated to myself. 

“Spymaster.” Farrier’s voice greeted from the front of the tent. 

Leliana nodded once at me and I took my leave. I bid Farrier a farewell on my way out. He looked at me a little confused after I ran from him when he told me his name but his report to Leliana was more important than his curiosity. 

I was relieved that the situation with Butler and Farrier hadn’t happened yet. While it was a small blip in the game, its impact of Leliana’s future was great. I wondered how Leliana was going to handle it. I knew if the Herald stopped her from killing Butler, there were never any repercussions. But now I might have stopped him from killing Farrier, what would that do? It was a small thing to change, but I did change it. _Maybe I didn’t._ Maybe Farrier was always meant to die not by Butler’s hand but by a traitor’s hand. What if by me telling Leliana about Butler changed who the traitor would be...

“Is there something you needed?” A welsh voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up and made eye contact with Solas as we stood in front of his cabin. I looked around and I had subconsciously walked from Leliana’s tent to Solas’ cabin. 

I cleared my throat as I looked back at Solas. “I, uh...”

He smiled politely at me while he awaited my response. My nerves grew and I couldn’t remember how I wanted to confront him. 

“What did you do?” I blurted out. He looked minutely surprised at my sudden outburst. “Yesterday. What did you do to my arm?”

He quickly glanced around before he stepped to his door and opened it. “It would be best if we were to continue this conversation in private.” 

I swallowed before I nodded and stepped into his cabin. My skin tingled and itched as I regarded the inside. It looked quite similar to mine although he had two tables that held herbs and such just beyond the door. A fire was burning and warmed the cabin, but it seemed brighter than what a fire would normally illuminate.

Once the door was closed I repeated my question. “What did you do to my arm?”

He calmly walked over to his desk and pulled out a chair before he gestured for me to sit. I refused as I crossed my arms and remained where I stood. He accepted my refusal and sat in the chair himself. The silence in the air hung around us like a blanket as he observed me. 

His continued silence had began to annoy me and I snapped at him. “Well?!”

He continued to examine me. “You are different.” I remained quiet, I knew he wasn’t finished. “You’re presence is abnormal.”

“That isn’t what I asked.” I affirmed. “You did something to my arm, I want to know what.”

“You should not have felt it in the manner you did.” He admitted. “ _Ir abelas._ ”

“I don’t want your apology.” I huffed and he looked more surprised. “I want to know what you did.”

“It was but a mere pulse.” He stated. “ _You speak elvhen._ ”

I furrowed my brow. “A pulse?”

“ _Yes, you have a presence I have not felt though it is difficult to find you in the Fade._ ” He nodded and continued speaking in Elvhen. “ _My intention was to inspect not to harm._ ”

I could tell he wanted me to speak Elvhen back to him. A part of him must’ve felt some desperation for even a crumb of the ‘glory days’ of ancient elvhenan. “ _That still doesn’t explain what you did, I don’t know what a ‘pulse’ is._ ” I answered back in Elvhen. 

He perked up before he stood and quickly approached. “ _You do speak..._ ”

I held up a hand to cut him off. “ _First I want you to explain what a pulse is._ ”

He tilted his head in acceptance but he held a light in his eyes. “ _A pulse is what some mages would do inspect the aura of another. You have one I have never felt before._ ”

I rubbed at my face. “ _Another what? Mage?_ ” He nodded in confirmation. I scoffed. “ _Why does everyone think I’m a fucking mage?_ ”

He cocked his head in confusion. “ _You are unaware?_ ”

“ _I’m not a mage._ ” I was so annoyed with being told I was a mage when I wasn’t. I ‘felt’ weird because I wasn’t of this world not because I was magic. 

“ _I feel as though you should already know this._ " He spoke softly. " _You would not have felt the pulse were you not a mage._ ”

“That doesn’t make sense...” I said to myself as I reverted back to English, too occupied to focus on Elvhen. It was impossible for me to be a mage. _It’s impossible to be here. It’s impossible to automatically know all these languages._

__

“Mages come into their power young.” He stated. “You have not come into yours?”

__

I absently shook my head as my thoughts ran in circles. _Mage. Mage. Mage. You are a mage._

__

“Are you certain you have not produced magic of any kind?” Solas asked. He seemed just as confused as I was, scratch that. No one was as confused as I was. A mage? Really?

__

“Uh, I think I would’ve realized if I could shoot fucking fireballs, Solas!” I spat at him before I moved around him and began to pace while I held my hands atop my head. “Wait,” I suddenly stopped and turned to him. “Didn’t you say you couldn’t find me in the Fade?”

__

He nodded. “I admit after I had felt your, odd, presence, I searched for you in the Fade.” He confessed. “Though I could not find you.”

__

“Mages are supposed to dream in the Fade, therefore,” I gestured to myself with my thumbs, “not a mage.”

__

“I said I couldn’t locate you, not that you aren’t there.” He looked at me like I had just said something stupid. “Everyone, other than dwarves, dream in the Fade.”

__

I furiously rubbed at my face as I groaned in annoyance.

__

“It is peculiar to say the least.”

__

_If only you knew._ The fact that Solas hadn’t found me in the Fade was odd, but I wasn’t of this world so why would I dream as if I were. I snorted as my own rationalization voided any argument against me being a mage by laws of the Fade. _Really shot myself in the foot with that one._

__

“Come.” He held out his right hand with his palm faced upwards. “Place your hand here, palm up.” I hesitantly held my hand closer to myself. “It is alright, I will not harm you.” He softly smiled and reached his hand further out. 

__

I slowly placed my left hand, palm up, on to his. His hands were cold and slightly calloused from swinging a mage staff around. “Now what?” I asked quietly as I stared at our hands.

__

The tingles and itch I felt one my skin grew in intensity before a small ball of fire erupted above the palm of my hand. I squealed as I ripped my hand away and held it to my chest. “I thought you said you weren’t going to hurt me!” I gently pulled my hand away and looked at my unscathed palm. I looked back up at Solas who smiled softly down at me. He urged his hand towards me once again and I reluctantly placed it back in his.

__

Again the itch and tingle increased before the small ball of fire returned. Though I felt heat, it did not burn. I leaned closer as I inspected the ball of fire about the size of a large cherry. It floated several inches above my hand as it actively burned in the air.

__

“It doesn’t hurt.” I said astonished.

__

“It shouldn’t.” Solas agreed. “You feel it don’t you?” I sent him a questioning look. “The magic.”

__

“I don’t know what magic feels like.” I shrugged and looked at the burning ball of fire again.

__

“I am certain you do.” He stated. “I can see it on your skin.” He pulled up my sleeve with his other hand. Goosebumps stood prominent all over my skin. I glanced between the fire and my arm. “What do you feel?”

__

I focused on the tingling itch that covered my entire body, though I felt it more prominent around my hand that held the fireball. It felt like when a limb fell asleep and was waking up, except all over. “Pins and needles.”

__

Solas hummed at my response. “Try to sustain the flame.”

__

“How?” I looked back up at him. 

__

“Focus and willpower.” He answered. “Focus on the flame and will it to continue.”

__

I rolled my eyes at his response. He made it sound so easy, and it would be for him; he was Fen’Harel from ancient Arlathan where magic was in the air and casting was as simple as breathing blah, blah, blah. 

__

“Focus.” He instructed. I locked my eyes on to the small flame. It danced in the air and warmed my palm. “Use your will to prevent it from extinguishing.”

__

_Don’t go out you little shit._ Solas began to pull his hand from beneath mine very slowly as I stared at the little ball of fire. _Don’t you dare._ Once there was no more contact, the flame quickly waned and extinguished. “Fucker.” I grumbled.

__

“Do not fret.” He soothes and placed his hand below mine again. “We will try again.”

__

We did try again, and again, and again. I could not get this little flame to remain lit for the life of me. Every tactic I tried would not keep the flame going. Once Solas removed his contact with my skin the flame would snuff out. My frustration only grew with each attempt. He would continuously tell me to focus on the flame and will it to remain lit, don’t get discouraged, blah, blah, blah. I barely registered the tingling itch anymore as all my focus and annoyance was on a little ball of fire that would not do as I wanted. 

__

After, probably, the twelfth failed attempt at maintaining the flame I threw my hand up with an annoyed growl. “This is pointless!” I balled my fists at my sides. “If I am a mage, I must be a pretty shit one.”

__

Solas sighed. “You mustn’t let your failures discourage you so.” He scolded as he turned and walked over to his desk. I scrunched my face in offense as he moved around the tomes stacked upon the wooden table. “Your lack of success is entirely foreseeable and would not be unusual given the circumstances. Though I had hope, considering the unusual aura you possess, you would have a better grasp of your magic.”

__

_Does he just want me to stand here while he insults me?_ I didn’t know how to respond as he continued to berate me and insist that I should have at least a grain of control of my supposed power. He even mentioned that a child would have had a better grasp than I did. I heard enough after that and promptly left his cabin, making sure I slammed his door as I did so.

__

When I met Solas I was unnerved at first when he used magic on me, he was the Dread Wolf after all, then after we talked for a little and he first showed me the flame thing, I thought he wasn’t that bad. Now, I just thought he was an ass, a pretentious, self-righteous ass. I couldn’t believe I had started to think he wasn’t that bad a guy. I even let him know I could speak Elvhen, what a kick in the nuts. 

__

I grumbled insults about him as I stormed somewhere that wasn’t Solas’ cabin. “Fuckin’ douchebag pompous ass motherfucker.” My fists tightened more so with every swear that mumbled from my lips. “Telling me I was a mage just to fuckin’ insult me when I couldn’t do shit.” Though I knew what came out from my mouth, I was sure it sounded like a bunch of half words that tumbled out quickly and quietly. 

__

I eventually winded up back at my cabin and slammed the door behind me. A loud growl of annoyance vibrated my chest as I ripped off my cloak and threw it to the floor. “Fuckin asshole.” I seethed through clenched teeth. I felt a strong chill travel up my spine and down my arms. A shiver racked my body as I grabbed a couple pieces of firewood and chucked them into the fireplace that erupted with a flame. 

__

I startled and fell back onto my butt as I watched the flames engulf the pieces of firewood. My body froze at the sudden appearance of fire. The fire wasn’t just red and yellow though, closest to the wood it burned blue before it gradually turned into yellow then red. The flames danced around as it burned the wood while the smoke traveled up the chimney. It wasn’t long before the blue faded into the normal red and yellow of a standard fire. 

__

I eventually moved to me knees and inspected the fire further. It looked as any other fire that had been there before, nothing indicated that it had come from me somehow. I reached out to the flames and felt the heat that grew to be too much before I pulled my hand away. I brought the other up and looked at the two of them, flipping them over then back. I laid my right hand flat with my palm up and tried to ignite a flame. _C’mon you son of a bitch._ I stared at the center of my palm and willed it to appear, but it didn’t. 

__

“Bullshit.” I muttered to myself. Of course it didn’t work when I wanted it to. I leaned back onto my butt and crossed my legs and continued to stare at my hand. Why didn’t it work now? I didn’t even will it before. What had I felt just before it happened? _A chill._ Alright, so what brought it on? _I don’t know._ I groaned and flopped on my back with my hand still raised in front of my face. 

__

Solas said _Ugh._ that magic came from focus and willpower, that if a person willed it enough it would manifest, and it appeared that my willpower was shit. _Maybe it doesn’t work like that for me._ It would make sense, as much as everything else did, that because I was from another world my magic would work as it did from this one. _There is no magic on Earth._ But there were novels, tv shows and movies about it, what if it worked like that. “Abracadabra!” I shook my hand and no flame appeared. “Ignite!” Again I shook my hand and no flame. “Flame on!” Again, nothing. I tried several ‘magic words’, some from movies, some from books, and some from tv shows, and still my hand remained flame less. 

__

“No magic words then.” I shook my hand out once more and prepared myself. My eyes shut as I breathed out and thought about a tv show from when I was a kid; ‘Avatar’. It was stupid and childish but it was the last thing I could think of. If it worked I wasn’t dumb enough to believe I was actually a bender but if it helped then it helped. 

__

I opened my eyes and envisioned my hand engulfed in flame, feeling the warmth but never to the point of burning. A chill erupted up my spine and down my arm into my hand before a small flame sprouted from the tips of my fingers and traveled down to my wrist. “Aha!” I cheered and sat up. The flame was hotter than what Solas had demonstrated with. It appeared as the fire first did in the fireplace; blue around my hand that graduated into a white then yellow and eventually red towards the very edge. Well, this was going to change things.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ir abelas- (Elvhen) I'm sorry.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

The actual discovery of being a mage was both exciting and completely terrifying. All mages we’re, at the present, considered apostates. Which for me spelled bad news, even more that I was an UNTRAINED apostate from an entirely different world. I had no idea how magic would work for me, just trying to make a flame was difficult enough, now I would actually have to train even more just to keep it in check... Though it was never an issue before... _The panic attack._ Bull had said that Dalish could feel something was wrong with me. What was it?

A loud knock on my cabin door caused me to quickly glance at my hand that no longer produced a flame.

“Who is it?” I called out as I still sat cross-legged on the fur rug in front of the fireplace. 

“Are you too important to answer a door now, Lady Jessabelle!” Dalish’s teasing voice was muffled by the door.

I immediately got to my feet to open the door. She squeaked in surprise as I yanked her by her arm into the cabin before shutting the door once again. Once I released her she gently rubbed at where I had grabbed her upper forearm. 

“What was that about?” She asked. “Could’ve just said ‘come in’.”

“You need to see this.” I commented and stood in the middle of the cabin. She went to walk closer but stopped when I held a hand toward her. “No. Stay. Watch.” I breathed out and focused once again on my hand erupting in flame. I could see it flicker and dance, I could feel the intense heat not able to burn. The strange yet familiar chill that raced up my spine and down my arm pooled into my hand just before the fire engulfed my hand until my wrist.

“There’s... blue?” Dalish quietly mused as she took small steps forward. My focus broke as I became more aware of her than the fire and it soon sputtered out. 

I looked back to her with widen eyes. “Is that weird?” Most fires I’ve seen have blue at the center, they weren’t just red and yellow. I could look at a candle and see the blue at the wick. When I picture a flame, I picture a candle’s. But still, Dalish nodded and reached for my hand which I placed into hers. 

She gently felt around my hand. “I can still feel the remnants.” She commented, mainly to herself, as she turned my hand over then back before allowing it to drop. “I’ve never seen blue, a bit of white maybe, never blue.”

I furrowed my brow. “A candle has blue...”

She shrugged and waved off my statement. “I told you.” She smirked. “An archer knows an archer.”

“What am I going to do?”

Dalish did her best to ease my worry, and she did... somewhat. What really worried me was how I was supposed to be dreaming in the Fade, be tempted by demons, and I hadn’t. Not that I knew of. I usually remembered my dreams when I had them, if I didn’t remember them I at least knew the vibe of said dream, like whether it was a dream or a nightmare, or if it were good or just weird. And what I had only just realized was, I hadn’t dreamed since I arrived in Thedas. _Maybe that is why I’m not in the Fade._ It was a long shot, but everything seemed to be a long shot. 

I would one hundred percent have to tell the advisors of my discovery before they got wind of it through someone else... _Solas._ Cullen would certainly be the most angered by it, which upset me a little. We had bonded a bit and I knew that my being a mage would damper that progress. Even if I told him I had yet to dream in the Fade, I doubted it would make much difference. 

The day went on after Dalish and I had stopped at the maiden for a meal around midday before Skinner beat my ass once again. Bull had been there and laughed every time Skinner flipped me or tackled me. I didn’t make the same mistake twice and had rolled up the sleeves to one of the new tunics I had been given so she wouldn’t tear it up with blunted daggers. She told me that I had made a little progress though I think she was just humoring me so I didn’t quit on her.

Once we had finished training we went to the Singing Maiden for dinner and drinks, though I only drank water. Bull and a few others joined us and teased that I had been tossed about like a sack of potatoes. Several more jokes by the Chargers were aimed at my supposed training before they eventually let up and poked fun at one another. 

Most of my mind wandered around being a mage and how I was going to tell the advisors. It would most likely be at the next meeting, whenever that would be. Could I just call a meeting? Would I be allowed to do that? I was supposed to be some noble and it seemed like something a noble would do. Even further than that, the fact I was an actual mage seemed important enough to warrant such. 

I would undoubtedly need to be trained, by who I didn’t know. Solas annoyed me too much, Vivienne intimidated me, and my beloved Dorian would not arrive until he storms in on the meeting when the Herald chooses the mages or when Haven is falling. Though it would make sense for him to be in Haven before that meeting but either way, he wasn’t here now. _Dalish..._ No, I wouldn’t be able to train with her since she’s an ‘archer’ and I doubted she would want to be outed. 

My options were either the pretentious Dread Wolf or the high societal intimidating Iron Lady and unfortunately I didn’t think I’d be able to train myself. I felt my best option would be Solas since he was Fen’Harel and would understand magic more intensely than Vivienne would. 

When I woke the next day Lani informed that she had drawn a bath for me which I gratefully accepted. The tunics I had received did fit better than my ruined one. They still remained quite loose but they were supposed to. The neckline was more for my size and remained on both shoulders when tied. The breeches fit perfectly snug like the other ones and fell to upper calf as well. The corsets remained untouched. 

I asked Lani how I could go about calling for a meeting with the advisors after I ate breakfast. She told me not to worry and that she’d handle it. I insisted I could just go to each advisor myself but she wouldn’t hear it and quickly left after she told me to just go to the council room. 

I paced the length of the war room as I twisted and pulled at my fingers anxiously. My steps echoed around the scarcely filled stone room. It felt like hours as I waited when really it was probably only ten minutes or so. The door loudly opened and I quickly turned to face the advisors and Maxwell when they all entered the room. My obvious anxiety filled each with a certain unease of their own. 

“Is everything alright, Jessa?” Maxwell asked. I bit my lip as I decided on how to tell them. 

“Uh...” I scratched at my jaw before I wrung my hands again. “I, uh, I just found out something.”

Maxwell raised a brow in question. Culled crossed his arms over his breastplate, while Leliana remained stone faced. Josephine debated on whether to write something down on her board or not, she decidedly did not. 

“I discovered that I’m a...” I cleared my throat. “I’m a mage.”

When I tell you I almost cried at Cullen’s scolding, my eyes definitely welled up. I thought I’ve heard his raised voice before but this was aimed directly at me. He told me that I was reckless and that I could’ve killed someone. He said that I was an untrained apostate and I could’ve been an abomination. I tried to explain that it hadn’t been dreaming in the Fade so it was highly unlikely that I could become an abomination but he didn’t hear it. I noticed that his arms had uncrossed and rested on his sword, ready to draw it at any point. 

The other advisors were mainly confused at my proclamation more than anything, though Cassandra agreed with Cullen, that I could’ve hurt people. Maxwell and Josephine attempted to calm Cullen down as he began to argue with them. 

“She needs to be assigned a Templar!” He demanded. “She is untrained and cannot be unguarded!” I remained silent after my scolding and tried to wipe my eyes discreetly as I looked at the floor. 

“You wish to imprison out seer once again, Commander?” Leliana questioned. 

Cullen scoffed. “Being assigned a Templar is not being imprisoned.”

Maxwell watched me as Cullen and Leliana debated, Cassandra occasionally chimed in. He walked over to me and nudged against my right shoulder. I quickly wiped my eyes again before I looked up at him. He looked down at me sympathetically. 

“Might I include that she traveled with The Iron Bull and his Chargers for nearly two weeks with no incident, Commander Cullen.” Josephine mentioned. 

“Who’s to say she isn’t already an abomination?” Cullen retorted. His comments hurt a lot and also annoyed me. If I had already been an abomination I wouldn’t allow Leliana’s torture effect me in the way it did. I growled in anger and hurt before I stormed out of the war room, ignoring any calls after me. 

If he didn’t believe me when I said I couldn’t be an abomination I would have to get someone he would. I wiped angry tears as I marched quickly to Solas’ cabin. I didn’t know where else he would be and was relieved that he was stood just outside his door. 

“I need you in the Chantry, now.” I commanded. He looked mildly taken back by my aggression but realized it was not aimed at him in particular and followed not far behind. 

Upon entering the Chantry, I could hear Cullen’s loud but muffled argument. 

“Is there a problem?” Solas asked. 

“Yes.” I simply replied and opened the war room door. The argument seized when Solas and I entered. 

“Why are you here, Solas?” Maxwell curiously questioned as he crossed his arms over his chest with a slight smirk. He seemed to be the only one who was almost enjoying the bomb I had dropped. 

“I was not made aware.” Solas responded as he looked down at me. 

“I highly doubt we need any more apostates in this room.” Cullen commented in annoyance. 

“Solas can tell you that it would be almost impossible for me to be an abomination.” I aimed my declaration directly at Cullen. “If I do not dream in the Fade, I can’t be tempted by a demon.”

“How is it possible that a mage does not dream in the Fade?” Josephine asked. 

“You do not dream in the Fade?” Solas questioned me. 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I haven’t dreamed at all since I arrived.” That proclamation sure threw Solas for a loop. 

Solas cocked his head, studying me, before he eventually looked back to the advisors and nodded. “Lady Jessabelle is correct. If she does not fall to temptation by a demon she can not become an abomination.”

“Surprisingly,” Cullen scoffed with sarcasm, “that offers little comfort. She remains an untrained apostate. She needs to be under watch.”

“You don’t need to keep saying ‘she’ like I'm not standing right here!” I spat back. “I just found out I can even do magic in the first place! You’re making it seem that I intentionally hid this from all of you when I did not!” I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes and turned away with a grunt of anger. 

“I think we should all take a moment to breathe and contemplate ideas that don’t involve Jessa under constant watch.” Maxwell stepped forward to take control of the situation. 

“If I may, Herald.” Solas raised a finger. Maxwell gestured for him to continue. “The Commander is correct. Lady Jessabelle is untrained and will need to be. If it is alright, I offer my aid in doing so.”

As Maxwell was about to speak Cullen interrupted. “Is it really the best for one apostate to train another?”

“In fact, Cullen, I think Solas would be best.” Maxwell shrugged. “He is an expert on the Fade and will be of better aid in Jessa’s...” He shook his head from side to side as he debated on a word choice. “...predicament.”

Leliana ended up agreeing with Maxwell, as did Josephine, while Cassandra sided with Cullen. Fortunately it was three against two so Solas officially became my magic instructor, or whatever they were called. On a downside, Cullen demanded a Templar be present during my training, no exceptions. Maxwell agreed much to my chagrin. Another downside, it also meant that Solas was informed of my actual origin. I could see how intrigued he was about my world, he would have many questions that I was sure I would not have all the answers to. 

An upside, he was not told that I knew what was going to happen. If he knew I knew what I did, he would undoubtably trick me and interrogate me to figure out how much I knew and if I knew of him. I didn’t know if he was suspicious of why I was of some importance to the advisors of the Inquisition, he probably was. I would need to come up with something to tell him if he asked, if me being from another world wasn’t reason enough. 

A schedule was created for me. In the mornings I would train with Solas, then I would break and eat before I trained with Skinner. I still wanted to learn daggers, magic was usually more of a distance thing and my aim was pretty shit. Also, I recommended having daggers after magic because I would most likely need to take the frustration of my failures at magic beaten out of me by Skinner.

After the disaster that was my ‘coming out’ I trained with Solas in a secluded area outside of Haven. It was near the frozen lake and passed some trees before there was a decent sized clearing. I met the Templar that would be overseeing my training, his name was Darren. Not particularly good-looking, but average. He had a few scars that traveled his jaw line and a nose that had been broken a few too many times. His hair was short and his beard shaved. A couple gray strands stood out in his dark brown hair on the left side of his head just above his ear. 

Before we began, Solas asked that I show him what I knew and how I did it. I explained that I was so angry with him that when I threw wood into the fireplace, it ignited, and that it felt like a chill run through me. I said that when I imagined my hand in a flame hard enough I was able to do it. When I demonstrated, he too, was also curious about the presence of blue. He told me that my fire was hotter than most mages’. I asked if he’s seen it before and he agreed, though not for a long time. 

Solas tried to teach me, what he called, basic fire spells. Suffice to say, I could only set fire to my hand, though I did learn how to maintain it longer than a few seconds. He did say that he could feel my magic stir before I cast, that my aura intensified. I asked what it felt like and he said that it wasn’t unpleasant just abnormal and strong. I also asked if I could feel a mage’s aura as well, he agreed but stated that most mages have learned to control and subdue their auras to remain undetected. 

I asked if that meant a Templar could feel that I was a mage but he said that they could only feel when magic is being cast. I turned and asked Darren if it were true though he didn’t answer. 

I questioned how magic worked and Solas said that it came from tapping into the Fade, he also mentioned that whether I dreamed there or not, I did have some connection to the Fade no matter how abnormal it was. He explained how mana worked and my limitations from my inexperience. I understood his meaning of my limitations, by the time we finished for the day I felt an odd sense of fatigue when all I had really done, physically, was stand there. I was assured that I will grow accustomed to it and be able to do more as I trained. _I need to level up._

Skinner was deeply annoyed with my performance that afternoon. She threw me around more than last time and constantly corrected my movements. The news of my split training was not what she wanted to hear, especially because she was the second half of the day. She did, however, accept my reasoning for doing so and approved no matter how she rolled her eyes. 

That’s how a majority of my days were spent. I’d wake up, eat, train with Solas, break and eat, train with Skinner, eat dinner, and finally bathe. On the third day of my new schedule several large horses arrived along with stablehands and who could only be Master Dennet.

A meeting was called upon his arrival and Maxwell prepared to set off to Redcliffe the next morning. Leliana brought up a particular ‘non’ Grey Warden. She asked me if he was in the Hinterlands and would have any information on the disappearance of the wardens. I told her Blackwall was there, and pointed out where to find him, but would be alone training some farmers. I did not mention whether he knew about the wardens because he did not, no one really expected what would happen.

Cullen didn’t talk to me, he barely even glanced in my direction since the mage thing happened. It hurt, I liked Cullen a lot and it bothered me that he was angry with me. It wasn’t like I purposely hid it, I told them when I knew for sure. I wanted to get him to talk to me again, if not to be friends then at least so we could work together. 

Skinner told me that the next day was my ‘rest’ day, she explained every seventh day my body would need time to heal and recoup, I understood rest days though I’d never really worked out seriously before. The most I did was run and it wasn’t that often.

But with my off day, I’ll come up with some way to get Cullen to forgive me. _He’s gotta._


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

Unfortunately my seventh day didn’t apply to Solas and my magic training. Luckily I was able to see off Maxwell, I made sure to whisper words of warning to stand relatively close to Warden Blackwall when he first finds him; he needed to be close enough that the arrow doesn’t hit him. Even if I didn’t need to warn him, I would feel terrible if I did not. Blackwall’s shield was always perfectly placed, and it would be my fucked up luck if this time it had not been. 

Maxwell had decided on taking Varric, Vivienne, and Bull with him to the Hinterlands. It would be the first time I’d be without Bull since I arrived in Thedas. The Chargers would still be here, though I noticed a large decrease in their presence in Haven over the last several days. Each day there were less and less of them. Now the only Chargers that remained were the group I traveled with. A part of me felt anxious that Bull would be leaving, he had developed into a large comfort and now that he wasn’t going to be here filled me with some unease. 

It was only going to be a week and a half or so. Maxwell had said that on horseback it would only take four days to arrive in the Hinterlands; a third of the time it took to walk here from the Storm Coast. Four days there, four back, and however long he needed to stay there. That was it, then they’d be back. I had a feeling that Maxwell wasn’t going to be happy with my lack of warning about the Venatori. In my defense I didn’t want to fuck with the butterfly effect more than I already was. A lot of the story of the Inquisition had to be discovered on its own, not by my telling of it. 

When I said my farewell’s Bull told me that if I needed anything the Chargers would be there for me, it gave me some comfort, and then they rode off; Bull on one of his own giant horses. It had reminded me that I hadn’t seen Vitriol in a few days and I would do so after training with Solas. 

“You are not focusing hard enough.” Solas criticized with a huff of annoyance and I groaned out my own. “Again. Focus.”

I huffed out a breath and closed my eyes again. The increasingly familiar sensation of magic traveled down my arms and flooded into both hands. _Think fire bender._ Once the warmth increased in my palms, I opened my eyes to see the fire engulf my hands. 

“Good, now separate it from your skin.” Solas instructed. “Let it pool into the air.”

I focused on the dancing blue-red flames and imagined they hovered above my palms like when Solas had first demonstrated in his cabin. _A fireball._ I watched as the fire slowly melted off my hands and sluggishly be pulled upwards off my palms. It didn’t so much look like a ball but a constantly shifting malformed blob, but it did hover away from my skin. “Ha!” I declared and almost immediately the fire burned out. “Ugh!” 

“You must keep your focus.” Solas chided. 

“But I did it.” I groaned and rubbed my eyes. “Why doesn’t it stay?”

“A novice, as you are, must maintain focus. Once your focus is lost, so is the magic you are manifesting.” Solas explained. “When you are more experienced, it will not require as much.”

“I get it.” I sighed. “Once more?” With his nod, I began my attempt all over again. The manifesting had become easier though my struggle continued on sustaining it because I would get so excited when I did it. 

The fire begrudgingly left my hands and hover above them once again. _Keep focus._ I narrowed my eyes on the blob of fire that moved as if made of liquid. An idea that barely formed in my head caused me to push the two blobs together and form a large misshapen ball of fire roughly half the size of a yoga ball. I smiled triumphantly when it worked just before it was sniffed out. I sucked my teeth in disappointment. 

Solas chuckled at my attempt. “That might have been your best yet.”

I fake laughed and waved him off. “It worked better in my head.”

“A well enough beginning.” He agreed and looked up into the sky. “And a well enough conclusion to training.” He turned to walk in the direction of Haven. 

I snorted. “How clever.”

He glanced back when he noticed I wasn’t following. “You are not coming?”

I shook my head. “I want to practice a little more.”

He made to walk back to me when I stopped him. “Do you not want aid?” He asked. 

“Darren is here if something goes wrong.” I turned around and pointed to the silent Templar. “Right, Darren?” He remained silent. “Right, Jessa.” I mimicked through half closed lips. “See?” I raised my brows at Solas, who looked unimpressed. 

“I am not sure.” He hesitated. 

“I’ll be fine.” I reassured. “If I fuck up, I’ll probably die, so it’s a great motivator.” My joke didn’t get the laugh I hoped but Solas eventually agreed and walked back to Haven. I breathed out and sat on a patch of dry snowless ground with my legs crossed. My eyes fell closed and my breathing became steadied. Solas had urged me to practice meditation when we weren’t training, he said it’ll help me become in tune with me aura or whatever he said. I had still yet to feel any auras, let alone my own abnormal one. 

It could also be that I mainly used my ‘meditation’ to focus on other things, like how to get Cullen to not hate me anymore. I still had no idea how to make it up to him. I knew he liked chess but I was shit at it and he wouldn’t even talk to me so how would I get him to agree to play chess with me. _Spar against him._ That was almost laughable, Cullen would demolish me in a spar, I was barely a threat to Skinner. _Let him train you._ I didn’t know if that would work either, he’d have to speak to me. 

This meditation session made me realize I had very little to offer to recosiliate with Cullen. There wasn’t much I could think of to mend fences with him and it hurt. When we had bonded about the torture we had both went through I felt a sense of camaraderie and now it was like he wanted nothing more to do with me. _Just talk to him._ It sounded so simple and yet probably the most difficult.

 _Time for fire._ I released a long breath and the chill of magic flowed into my hands. The heat of flames licked down my fingers and settled in my palms. I opened my eyes and watched the hot fire in both hands. I noticed that whenever I moved the fire away from my hands it was slow and reluctant to leave. The fire in my left hand burned out while I focused all my attention on my right. When I began to will the fire from my skin to hover it continued to be forced as if it didn’t want to leave my hand. About half way I forcefully pulled my hand away and watched as the flame blob turned into a line of fire. My brows raised in surprise, but I maintained my focus, and continued to move my hand around. It was as if the fire had been a snake as it trailed after my hand while I waved it around with twists, turns and few loops. When it stuttered out I wasn’t upset, in fact I was excited. I turned my head to Darren with a wide smile on my face. 

“Did you see that!?” A laugh of exhilaration bubbled out. Darren still stood silent as he had been since he started overseeing my training. “Not even your silence is gonna get me down, buddy boy!”

I looked back at my hand and manifested the fire once again. When it had begun to lift from my palm, I once again moved it in circles. In a way it reminded me of sparklers on the Fourth of July. It didn’t sparkle or anything but it trailed after my hand like when I’d write my name in the air while the light and smoke displayed what was written if it was fast enough. The fire was more seen obviously and didn’t disappear as fast but the resemblance was there. I closed my hand except for my pointer finger. _Smaller flame._ The fire soon burned down to the tip of my finger. I wrote my name in script through the air and smiled as the flames remained for a short while before it retraced my name as I got to the end and let it burn out. 

“There you are!” My head quickly turned in the direction of a relieved Lani as she quickly approached with her skirts lifted to not dampen it with snow. I suggested several times that she might be more comfortable in breeches but she pushed it off every time and insisted on her dresses. “Lady Josephine has requested your presence for tea, My Lady.”

I reluctantly stood and dusted off the back of my cloak. “Is it important?” 

She looked at me confused. “I apologize, My Lady, are you too important for tea with Ambassador Montilyet?”

I snorted. Lani had certainly grown to my own personality and often displayed her own by teasing my destitution of my ‘nobility’. “Yeah, yeah.” I waved my hand at her. “It was much easier when you weren’t so comfortable around me.”

She smiled and offered her arm which I graciously wrapped my arm through. She asked after my training and I told her it was slow moving but it was moving. She assured me that I’ll get better with time and I brushed off my agreement. While we walked back to Haven, Lani told jokes and poked fun about other nobles she had worked for. One man she mentioned had a particular food habit where he would chew his food and spit it out before he would eat it. I gave a sound of disgust as she laughed. 

“We would secretly call him ‘bird man’ when no one was around.” She giggled behind her hand. 

I chuckled along as we approached Haven. “Oh, give me a moment!” She nodded and I pulled away to quickly jog over to the stables. There weren’t many around the stables and it was apparently for good reason. Loud neighs and groans were heard from within along with vibrations through the ground. 

“C’mon you beast!” An angry grumble could be heard from inside as I continued to approach. The sounds of metal and tack clanged while a man continued to air his frustrations. Another loud neigh echoed before the sound of a barrel tipped over and the man yelled. 

I slowly peered around the corner into the stables and saw a stablehand yanking on reins that connected to Vitriol. A large barrel of feed had been tipped over as the man attempted to somehow drag the giant that was Vitriol out of the stables. Vitriol threw his massive head up and almost ripped the man’s arms out of their sockets. 

I stepped into the stables and cleared my throat. “Is there a problem?” 

The stablehand quickly turned at my voice. I recognized him, he was there when I had first untacked Vitriol; the condescending one. A part of me wanted to smirk at his obvious struggle. 

“You should leave before this mindless beast decides to charge.” He spat. It didn’t look like he recognized me. “Wouldn’t want a face such as yours to become disfigured.” 

I scrunched my face in disgust as he turned back to Vitriol and yanked as hard as he could. To a horse as large as Vitriol, it probably didn’t feel like much, but either way I didn’t like it. “Why are you treating him like he’s mindless? He quite clearly doesn’t like you.”

The man stopped pulling and turned again in my direction with a sneer. “Best leave before something regrettable happens.”

Vitriol used that moment to use his massive head and shove the stablehand to the side before he barreled out of the stable. I sidestepped just before he passed me and ran out. He threw out his rear legs multiple times he ran around and caused a bit of a panic. 

“Look what you’ve done!” The man stood and crowded me. I scoffed and turned away but was stopped by a strong grip on my upper arm. 

“Best release me,” I mocked, “before something regrettable happens.” His face loomed over mine as he barred his teeth and tightened his grip to the point of pain. I clenched my jaw but gave no other indication that it hurt. 

“My Lady!” Lani’s voice rushed over. “Are you injured?” At her arrival, the stablehand released my arm and took a large step back before quickly exiting the stables to retrieve a distressed Vitriol. She took ahold of both arms as she inspected me. 

“I’m fine, Lani.” I gently pulled from her. “That guy is just the worst.”

She huffed out a laugh of relief. “We should stay out of the way til the horse is secured.” Her suggestion made sense, if not for the fact Vitriol apparently hated just about everyone. There was no way Vitriol would go calmly, unless Bull, Grim, or myself were there. Bull was gone, Grim was MIA, but I was here. 

“No can do, Lani love!” I cooed and exited the stables as she protested. “Vitriol is particular!” I quickened my walk into a jog towards where Vitriol had run off to. It wasn’t difficult to figure out where he was. Yells and commands echoed from where the soldiers trained as did Vitriol’s neighs and nickers. 

“Someone take control of that beast at once!” Cullen’s loud command stood out among the chaos of a loose and agitated horse. The soldiers and recruits formed a large ring where Vitriol bucked and kicked in the center. Some had begun drawing their weapons and aimed at Vitriol whenever he got too close. 

“No!” I yelled out and sped up my jog into a run. “Don’t hurt him!” When I approached a pair of armored arms wrapped around me to stop any further movement. “Let me go!”

“That beast is angered.” A gruff voice answered from behind me. I whipped my head around and looked up at the face of Darren. 

I growled in annoyance and fought to get out of his grip as I heard more and more shouts. Darren was curled over me in an attempt to subdue my attempts. Eventually I threw my head back and felt a sickening crunch before Darren cried out and instantly released his hold causing me to fall to the ground. “Sorry!” I apologized without turning around and scrambled to my feet. 

“Get this beast under control or else we will have one less horse!” Cullen demanded from somewhere. More swords were drawn and echoed through the air. 

I tried to force my way through the line of soldiers but could not move them a single inch. “Move!” I called out and tried somewhere else. Still I could not breach the circle. 

“Just kill it.” The angered voice of the stablehand suggested. “Mindless beast doesn’t listen.”

“No!” I yelled again and dropped to the ground and crawled between the legs of a soldier. “Don’t!” I pushed to my feet inside the circle. 

“Someone get Lady Jessabelle out of here!” Cullen commanded angrily. As a hand grabbed my shoulder I snatched it and pulled it forward as I threw my shoulder down. The recruit tumbled over me and landed on the ground in front of me with a grunt. Before someone else could grab me I ran further into the middle of the circle near Vitriol. “Lady Jessabelle!”

“Vitriol!” I called out to the agitated horse as he swung his giant head around. I knew he heard me but something was wrong with him. His head stopped just for a moment before he continued to throw his head. I raised my arms at him and slowly approached. “Woah, Buddy.” I cooed. Vitriol’s hooves stomped the ground as he shook his head. I narrowed my eyes at his head and bridle. I could barely see the leather straps around his neck. _It’s too tight._

“Lady Jessabelle!” Cullen yelled out again. “Leave now!”

“No!” I yelled back but kept my eyes on Vitriol. “His bridle is too tight!” I slowly stepped closer and closer as I cooed at him. “It’s alright, Buddy. You’re alright.” At the corner of my eye I took note of the circle decreasing in size as the soldiers stepped closer. “You need to relax for a few seconds so I can loosen your bridle.” I gently spoke. The more and more I soothed Vitriol he began to calm his erratic head movements though he still stomped his front legs. “Good boy. That’s it.” I finally made it to him and softly ran my hand up his muzzle before I reached for his neck. The strap was incredibly tight, it was no wonder he was loosing his shit. The leather dug into his neck so much that the skin almost sucked it in. Vitriol let out a loud nicker as I tried to unclasp the metal. “C’mon you fucker.” I grumbled to myself and tried once again to pull the metal clasp. I stood on my tippy toes with my arms stretched above my head. Once Vitriol noticed, he lowered his head. I ushered him to angle his head up to loosen the tension on the strap and soon I was able to unclasp it. 

Once the tight leather released from Vitriol’s throat he nickered and shook out his head as he repeatedly nodded up and down. As he did so I saw an angry red line that had some blood trickle out around his throat. I clenched my jaw while Vitriol happily nickered and trotted around me before he pressed his massive head into my torso. “You’re welcome.” I snorted and rubbed his head in relief. When Vitriol no longer posed as an active threat, the tension in the air shifted before it began to dissipate all together. Swords returned to sheaths though they remained a good distance from Vitriol.

“This was all her fault, Commander!” The stablehand accused. “It wouldn’t have happened had she not distracted my work.”

I scoffed and turned to locate where the stablehand was. He stood next to Cullen and pointed in my direction while Cullen regarded him with arms folded over his chest plate. “That’s bullshit!” I called out and walked over, aware of the fact Vitriol followed not far behind. “This wouldn’t have happened had you not tightened the neck of his bridle to the point of breaking skin!”

“You lie!” He spat. “I’ve worked with horses my entire life.”

I laughed humorlessly. “I lie?” I turned around and reached below Vitriol’s head and pushed up gently to display the blood that slowly seeped from his neck. “What would you call that?”

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose with an aggravated sigh. “Lady Jessabelle, are you mad?”

I reeled back. “What? Me?!” The stablehand smirked and folded his arms over his chest. “Are you serious?”

Cullen lowered his hand from his face and looked down at me. “You disregarded your safety and inserted yourself into a highly dangerous situation.”

I opened my mouth dumbstruck. “Vitriol would never hurt me on purpose.” I defended. “He was being hurt and if you listened to this asshole,” I gestured to the stablehand, “Vitriol would’ve died for his fuck up!”

The stablehand lowered his arms before he stepped forward to tower over me in an attempt to intimidate me. “I don’t fuck up you good for nothing...”

The man was immediately shoved back as Cullen inserted himself in between. “That is enough!”

“My Lady!” Lani’s voice called out as she ran up but stopped when she saw Vitriol standing right behind me. 

Cullen averted his attention to the stablehand. “You are to answer to Master Dennet and will not act without his direct say.” He ordered. “Do you understand?”

The stablehand’s face twisted in anger before he grumbled out a ‘yes’ through clenched teeth and stormed off. I hid my smirk. 

I cleared my throat. “I should bring Vitriol back to the stables.”

“You should.” Cullen nodded as he glanced away and suddenly raised a brow. I turned to see what he was looking at and saw Darren leaned over cupping a bloody nose along with a recruit who rubbed at his lower back. “I see your training has improved.”

“Oh, shit.” I rushed over to Darren. “I’m sorry, Darren. I didn’t mean to.”

He chuckled as more blood fell from his nose. “Head is as hard as stone.” He spat out some blood. 

“Do you need me to help to you to Bernadette?” I offered but he shook his head. 

“I’ll be alright.” He assured. “Not my first broken nose, won’t be my last.”

I tried to smile but it only looked like a grimace. I didn’t mean to break his nose, I just wanted to get to Vitriol before something bad happened. Darren walked towards the gates of Haven while I made my way to the stables with Vitriol trailing behind and Lani way off to the side. She was very nervous around Vitriol which was understandable, this was her first time seeing him and he had just freaked out. Not the best first impression. When I opened Vitriol’s stall he calmly walked in and drank some water from his trough. Before I left, I made sure to feed him two apples and gave him a bunch of kisses on the soft velvet of his nose. 

Lani called me mad for doing what I did, she implied that I had a death wish, before we arrived late to tea with Josephine. She understood and heard about the commotion outside the gates. Josephine explained why she wanted me for tea when she introduced me to her seamstress. The seamstress’ name was Madame Delacroix and if her name wasn’t obvious enough, she was Orlesian. 

Madame Delacroix was an older woman, maybe mid fifties, with a neat bun tied low on the back of her head. A net of some kind covered her light brown hair and connected to a delicate off white mask that covered the top half of her face which left her painted deep pink lips on display. She wore a blue and white long-sleeved gown with a high collar and a window that displayed her ample bosom that was pushed high by a tightly secured full corset. 

“Come, dear.” She instructed with her French accent. “We must take your measurements.” She unrolled twine and waited. I looked between her and Josephine confused on what to do. “Undress, dear.”

I ‘oh’d’ and undressed to my bra and underwear. I’d never been shy about undressing in front of someone, a body was a body, everyone had one. I’ve worn bikinis so a bra and underwear wasn’t that far off, though consent was what made the difference. Madame Delacroix and Josephine paused when they saw my undergarments. 

“How delicate.” Madame Delacroix leaned over to inspect the black lace of my bra. “What do you call this?”

“A brassiere, bra for short.” I informed her. I pointed to my matching lace boy shorts. “These are called underwear, or panties. Though both these and the bra together could be considered underwear.”

Madame Delacroix hummed in response as she lightly trailed her finger along the lace on my hip. “Expertly made.” She complimented. “They must’ve been well paid for.” While bras could be a little pricey, my underwear was actually quite cheap as I had gotten them on sale. She soon stood straight and began wrapping twine around different parts of my body, taking my measurement as she cut the twine at certain lengths. “You do not wear corsets?”

I shook my head as she instructed me to raise my arms. “They allow for little movement. And I’m quite fond of breathing.”

Josephine giggled as she recorded Madame Delacroix’s measuring on a piece of parchment for her. How exactly she knew what the measurements were from twine, I had no idea. 

Madame Delacroix tutted me. “A noblewoman must look noble, dear.”

“I’ve been told.” I breathed out and rested my arms atop my head as she circled twine around my waist. “Though, nobles where I come from are different.”

She stopped and looked up from my waist. “Oh?”

“Yes, most dress for comfort, though fashionable comfort I guess.” I shrugged. “Some do dress specifically for style when there is an event or party or whatnot. But as you can see, no such happenings are occurring.”

“So I do.” She hummed and continued her measuring around my bust. 

The door to Josephine’s office quickly opened from behind me. “Maker’s breath!” 

I quickly spun my head just in time to see Cullen’s face turn beet red before he turned around.

“P-please, forgive me.” He stuttered our before he closed the door behind him. 

“My apologies, Lady Jessabelle.” Josephine rushed out. “I was not expecting the Commander.”

I tried and failed to hold back a laugh and bent at my waist which earned an annoyed sigh from Madame Delacroix. “I bet he got an eyeful.”

“You are... not upset?” Josephine raised a perfect brow. 

Madame Delacroix ushered me to stand straight once again, though my core constantly tightened as chuckles continued to bubble out. “Of course not, it was an accident. Though he should knock when he isn’t expected.” I winked at Josephine. 

The rest of Madame Delacroix’s measurements finished not long after Cullen’s unexpected interruption. I knew he was going to feel bad about seeing me in an ‘immodest’ state but if that would get him to actually speak with me, so be it. To be honest, he really only saw my back so it was the least amount of ‘damage’ he could’ve possibly done. Part of me wanted to squeeze some guilt out of him, but he didn’t deserve that, I needed to apologize to him as well. 

Josephine finally allowed me to leave when we had finished tea and some little pastries. I was informed that my clothing will finished being altered in a few days. A little confusion arose when I hadn’t gave any clothing to be altered but Lani assured me that she handled it and it would mainly be the tunics being altered as the breeches fit perfectly. 

Cullen had disappeared from the Chantry all together, I couldn’t even find him with the recruits and soldiers. _Avoidance rather than confrontation._ For a supposedly fearless Commander, he sure had at least one fear. I asked Lani to keep an eye out for the fearless commander, she giggled, and if she could come find me when she spotted him. She agreed and we parted ways, her to survey Haven and me to act like I wasn’t trying to find Cullen. It wasn’t difficult when Skinner and Grim walked passed my line of sight and into the Singing Maiden. _Oh, I gotta fuckin word or two for him._


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Direct thoughts are in italics_

The Singing Maiden wasn’t as full as it usually was at dinner but enough people still occupied the tavern. My sights locked on Grim as he walked to the Chargers’ table. I shoved my way through the smaller crowd of people and pushed Grim. “Where were you!?”

He slightly braced himself against the wooden table before he snapped his head around to see who pushed him and looked down at me. He grunted in confusion at my shove as well as my annoyance. 

“You’re supposed to tend Vitriol, yes?” I pressed and he nodded. “So where were you when some asshole tried to tack him up and choke him?!” I punctuated my interrogation with another shove though he grabbed both my forearms. “They almost killed him and you were no where to be found! Where were you?”

He furrowed his brow and I could practically see the gears in his head turning as they searched for an answer. He grunted and jerked his chin in a direction behind me. I turned as best I could with his hands still grasping my forearms to prevent any further assaults. I tried to search for what he was gesturing at but couldn’t discern what. When he realized I didn’t know he released one arm and grabbed my chin before angling my head in the direction of a pretty barmaid slightly older than myself. Her dark hair was braided back and wore an apron around her waist that covered half her skirt. Her ample cleavage was on full display as she delivered tankards to a table not too far away. 

I dropped my mouth open and turned back to Grim. I couldn’t believe it. He smirked and leaned back against the table, releasing my other arm. Some of the others tried to greet me but I kept my focus on Grim, who’s smirk faltered when he realized I wasn’t amused. 

“Wha’s wrong, little bird?” Dak asked when he approached with Skinner as they both carried armfuls of tankards for the rest of the Chargers. 

I slapped and shoved Grim’s chest. “Vitriol almost fucking died because you were too busy getting your goddamn dick wet!? Are you fucking serious!?”

A tankard fell from Dak’s grasp at my lewd comment. Grim was shocked and tried to grasp my arms once more as I repeatedly slapped and shoved against his chest. I didn’t notice the noise level of the tavern drop down when I had began yelling. I didn’t notice Krem stand from the table and approach me from behind. I did notice, however, when his arms circled around me and pinned my arms to my sides. 

“Alright, little bird.” Krem spoke from behind me. “Let’s go outside and breathe some fresh air.” When I refused to move he lifted me off the ground and carry me away, not without one last kick at Grim. 

“He almost fucking died, Krem.” I complained as Krem carried me outside. “Grim was too busy getting laid... how does he even get laid, he doesn’t fucking speak!” I attempted to wriggle out from Krem’s hold but his grip was like iron. 

“While I’m not sure what ‘laid’ means, I can guess.” Krem joked but it fell on too deaf ears. He sighed and finally released me when I stopped struggling. “I’ll talk with him.”

I scoffed and turned around to face him. “More like at him.”

Krem snorted softly. “We all know how important Vitriol is to you.” He placed a comforting hand on my left shoulder. “Luckily you were there to stop it.”

“Barely.” I grumbled and crossed my arms. “You’d think by the amount of times I’ve been called crazy I’d actually be crazy.” I turned to enter the maiden again but was stopped when Krem’s hand gently pulled on my shoulder. 

“Where...”

“I’m calm...” I cut him off. “...enough.”

Krem placed me on the opposite end on the other side of the table, the furthest from Grim that I could be. Skinner sat next to me, Berti next to her, Rocky and then Dalish. Across from me was Krem, then Dak followed by Stitches, and finally Grim. Bull’s seat remained empty. I did notice that the Chargers’ table was actually two pushed one after the other to accommodate the size of the group. 

A clap on my back snapped me out of my glare towards Grim. “Heard you tossed a recruit and broke a Templar’s nose today.” Skinner snickered. “I’m proud.” 

“All thanks to you.” I snorted before I narrowed my eyes at Grim again. “Though I wouldn’t have had to!” 

Grim grunted what seemed to be an apology but, y’know, who could tell. Skinner smirked and shoved a tankard in my direction. “Drink up, little bird. Your training is working.”

I only drank about half a tankard of ale before Lani entered the tavern and quickly made her way over to me. “He’s making his way to the training grounds.” She whispered in my ear. I stood with a chuckle and pushed my ale to Skinner.

“You can finish this.” I told her before I followed Lani back outside, not without flipping Grim off as I passed. I wasn’t sure if flipping someone off was a thing here but apparently it was when Grim grunted as I left. 

Lani discreetly pointed to the top of the stairs and I could see the retreating back of Cullen. I snickered before I thanked her and followed quickly after Cullen. His pace was quickened, most likely in attempt to continue his avoidance of me but he was too late. “Oh, Commander!” I called out once he finished descending the steps while I was about halfway down. His back grew rigid and his pace faltered to a stop. 

He didn’t want to turn, I could tell, he was dreading it. But he eventually did once I approached. “Lady Jessabelle.” His face began to turn red and his arm reached to the back of his neck. “Please accept my sincerest apology for intruding and witnessing you in such a state. I can not begin to express how utterly ashamed I feel for the lack of courtesy I displayed and... why are you laughing?” His brow furrowed as I couldn’t keep my laugh from spilling out of my mouth and passed my finger tips. 

I quickly shook my head as a few more bubbled out. “No, I’m sorry.” I apologized as I lowered my hand. “I accept your apology.” I giggled. “I do, I know it was an accident.”

His rigid shoulders slumped in relief. “I would have knocked if I had known.”

“I know.” I assured. “Though, I am somewhat happy it happened.”

He choked and began to stutter as his face reddened. 

“You’ve been ignoring me.” I said seriously. “I wanted to talk with you about the mage thing but you wouldn’t speak to me. I didn’t want it to seem like I was deceiving you all. I really didn’t know.”

He sighed and rubbed at one of his eyes. “I know.”

“Magic doesn’t exist where I come from.” I whispered. “Remember?”

He slowly nodded and looked down at me. “I admit, it was unfair to treat you as such.”

“I understand why, I do, but I would never put anyone at risk if I could help it.” I stated. “Me becoming an abomination is slim to none, I haven’t dreamed since I arrived.”

“Have you spoken with Solas?” He asked. 

I nodded. “He doesn’t know why I haven’t, he assured me I have a connection to the Fade, obviously because I can do magic, but he isn’t sure why I haven’t dreamed.” I shook my head side to side. “The only thing I can think of is that because I’m not from here, I wouldn’t dream as if I was, y’know?”

He nodded along with my theory. “If that is not correct, then perhaps Solas will be able to surmise why that is so.”

I hummed in agreement as I gazed up at Cullen’s face. He seemed a tad paler than when I had first seen him and beneath his eyes were tinted a shade of purple, no matter how slight it was. He appeared like he hadn’t been sleeping well. “How are you feeling?” I asked.

He raised a brow at my concern. “Quite well.” His eyes quickly glanced around before they settled back on me. 

My eyes slightly narrowed. “Are you sure? It doesn’t pay well to lie to me.”

Confusion crossed his features as he furrowed his brow before it shifted to realization then shock and finally resignation as he let out a deep sigh. “You know.”

“I know by the discoloration under your eyes that you haven’t slept well for about two, maybe three days.” I kept my voice low and hushed. I didn’t know anything about withdrawal, though with drugs back home, it took a week give or take a few days depending on the severity. Lyrium, however, seemed to not work like that. From what I knew Cullen had stopped taking it as soon as he joined the Inquisition which had to be well over a month, or two, ago since I’d only arrived in Thedas almost four weeks ago. And after we get to Skyhold it’ll get worse before he has a bit of a breakdown which was I didn’t even know how far away. It seemed like lyrium withdrawal was a slow and torturous experience. 

Cullen snorted humorlessly. “It’s unnerving how much you know.” He sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Every now and then I’ll have trouble sleeping since...”

So the withdrawal starts with bouts of insomnia, not too terrible relatively speaking. My mind went right to the bag of marijuana I had under my bed. _Weed helps with insomnia._ Though I wasn’t sure if giving Cullen Mary-Jane was the best idea. It was possible it could help, but Cullen seemed a suffer in silence type, and I had no idea how he would react to it. 

“How long do they last?” I asked. 

“I’ll be able to rest all the way through tonight.” He reassured me. I bit my cheek as I tried to figure out if he was lying or not. “I am not being deceitful, Lady Jessabelle.”

“If you can’t sleep, I might have something that could help.” I hesitantly offered. 

“It will not be needed, I assure you.” He nodded his head and bid me a farewell before he turned and continued on his way out of Haven. Hopefully, he was right. 

My talk with Cullen had gone extremely well. It felt as if we cleared the air between us thanks to Cullen’s lack of manners. I didn’t think I’d ever seen a man turn so red from embarrassment before. It was easy to see how bad he felt even without his lengthy apology. Back home, the most I’d hear was an ‘oops’ or ‘sorry’ and that’d be it. But not for the utter gentleman that was Cullen Stanton Rutherford. 

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful without Skinner’s training, I had nothing to do and felt like a leech as I wandered aimlessly throughout Haven as I acquainted myself with the village. I even inspected the area around the trebuchets. I didn’t know exactly where the entrance to the mine was but I was sure I could figure it out. 

I discreetly meandered my way to the trebuchet that would ultimately bury Haven. Several soldiers stood around, some guarding over the walls, some inspecting the trebuchets themselves, and some just talking with others. No one really paid me any mind as I stood by the trebuchet, my back facing it. In my mind, I mapped out the scene. _Corypheus and the dragon are in front and to my right, I kick the trebuchet into firing a large boulder into the that mountain looming over Haven, and I run off to the left._ I slowly walked in said direction, appearing as aimless as I could with my hands clasped behind my back as I feigned looking around. 

And soon, there it was, hidden just behind a horizontal trunk of a dead tree. Wood haphazardly covered the opening though pieces had either been broken, or rotted away, as a decent sized hole displayed the darkness of the drop. It had to be a long way down. The cavern the Herald falls into is quite large and didn’t offer much light from above.

I left the area without making it seem like I had just completed what I intended to do. When Haven falls I would need to have stocked some supplies down there to make Maxwell’s journey easier, but I would certainly not be getting down there by jumping down that hole. I’d need to find where the exit to the mine is. It would have to be somewhere behind Haven and further into the mountains but it would be difficult to pinpoint where exactly. 

The sun had began to set so today wasn’t an option, and neither would the next days. My mornings were full with magic training and my afternoons were full with dagger training. It would have to be on my next rest day, seven days from now. Once I find it, I’ll have to stealthily bring supplies to it; blankets, potions, maybe something that’ll soften his fall but I didn’t think the Inquisition had many mattresses to spare. Hopefully, a real life fall won’t hurt him bad enough that healing potions won’t work. Despite how awful they tasted, I couldn’t deny how effective they were. 

I entered the maiden for dinner earlier than usual but if I bypassed the crowd, it was a victory in my book. Stew seemed to be a favorite since it was offered more times than not. It was warm and relatively simple to make so it was understandable why it was a fan favorite. I ate alone at the Chargers’ table but was not uncomfortable, which was shocking because a chaotic red Jenny had been staring at me. 

“I’ve seen you, yeah.” Sera chirped as she approached. “Heard about you too. They say you talked your way out of the cells.”

I snorted. “Who said that?”

She shrugged and plopped down next to me as I continued to eat. She straddled the bench while she leaned on her right arm against the table. “People.”

“Little people or big people?” 

“You get it.” She cackled as I took a sip of my tankard. “You’re part of the big people though. From the uncharted places.”

“Didn’t want to be.” I admitted. “Most big people are asses.” 

Sera slapped her hand on the table and cackled loudly. Talking to Sera was easy, all it really took was to shit on nobles and I already liked to do that. “Are big people here like big people there?”

“They’re kinda the same everywhere.” I shrugged. “Some say they look out for the little people but really they only look out for themselves.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” She scoffed. “Like to put an arrow up their arses.”

I hummed and finished eating my food. Sera’s company was entertaining to say the least. Her laugh was just about as funny as whatever story she told, and her bright yellow breeches were just as loud as that cackle. 

“You’re not so bad.” She admitted with a soft shove against my right shoulder. “You’re just a little person who happens to be big.”

I smiled. “That’s probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.” 

“Pfft. Whatever.” She playfully rolled her eyes just as Dalish and Rocky arrived for their dinner. It wasn’t long after that, that the others joined. Sera fit in well amongst the Chargers with her loud and chaotic personality. They really enjoyed the stories she told about what pranks she’s pulled; bugs in bedrolls were her favorite. Hopefully, I would never be on the receiving end of that prank. 

When the conversations began to settle to a lull I decided it was time to return to my cabin for the night. As I ventured through the night of Haven I couldn’t help but feel a sense of being watched. I looked around but saw no one other than a patrol or two. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, I didn’t doubt that Leliana had asked one of her spies to keep an eye on me, but this one felt more malicious. I felt unease the entirety of my walk to the cabin, but no one had followed. 

I chocked it up to a mix of some ale and a little PTSD. The first thing I did when I got to my cabin was start a fire and bar the cabin’s door. It wasn’t an entire bar but at the edge of the door and the edge of the frame were metal cuffs that a piece of wood could be placed in that would prevent anyone from entering. Though since the door swung in, it wouldn’t be too difficult to kick it open. Nevertheless, just having the wood there gave some comfort. 

Despite the wood on the door, my anxiety wouldn’t allow me to fully fall asleep. _I need to be able to hear of someone tries to break in._ My night consisted of catnaps and silent listening of the world outside the cabin door. Nothing I heard warranted any panic but still I couldn’t stay asleep. 

The sun began to eventually rise and peek through the crack beneath my door and between the small gaps of my shutters. I finally gave up on trying to sleep more and got ready for the day. I hadn’t slept well and should have taken my own advice by way of marijuana. But my anxiety had demanded I stay fully alert, just incase. 

As I walked to meet Solas in our training field my brain thought it would be funny to sing; ‘Every breath you take, and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take I’ll be watching you.’ I even hummed along as it sang that part over and over. 

I didn’t feel the eyes when I left, not the malicious ones anyway. Solas wasn’t there when I arrived which wasn’t odd since I had left earlier. Darren hadn’t been present either. It was early, I skipped breakfast and barely saw any soldiers or recruits preparing themselves for training. The sun had only just crested over the mountains and the air had barely began to warm, as much as it could anyway. From what I’ve been told it was the seventh month, basically Summer; mid Summer at that. When the sun was high in the sky the air did hold warmth but a chill was ever present, I can only imagine how it’ll be in the dead of winter. A heavier cloak was going to be an absolute necessity. 

The wait for Solas and Darren was becoming agonizing. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea but my boredom had began to get the best of me. I prepared myself and relaxed as I began to draw forth a flame with my right hand. The initial chill of magic felt worse in the early morning air before heat enveloped my hand. Solas was right, the more I practiced, the easier it became. Sure, it was just igniting my hand in flames but it still astounded me. The blue in the flames had gotten slightly more prominent the more I trained. _Imma be Azula._ I snickered to myself and shook my head. 

The flames soon sputtered out and I let my hand drop as I looked around. There was still no sign of Solas or Darren. I walked over to some snow and grabbed a handful before forming a ball. I wondered when I’ll be able to bring forth snow, or water even. Even though no water based magic was shown in the game there must be some. Snow was frozen water at its base. If snow and ice could be used, so would water. Even air, even earth. Solas mentioned briefly of the different classes of magic and I definitely remembered elemental being one of them. 

I tossed the snowball from hand to hand as I continued to wait. The frigid ball began to numb my hands while I watched each hand catch then release until I held it in my left hand. I licked my lips and focused on the ball. My aim was to turn it to ice, a solid ice ball. After a breath of release, I drew on my magic. _A frozen ball._ The magic pooled towards my left hand that had already gone numb. 

“What is it that you are trying to accomplish?” Solas’ sudden voice startled me and caused me to instinctually hide the snowball behind my back. He watched me curiously as he approached. 

“Nothing.” I cleared my throat. 

The slight narrowing of his eyes told me he didn’t believe me. “Show me your hand.” He instructed with an amused glint in his eyes.

I raised my right hand and twisted several times. “See, nothing.” 

“And the other...”

I released my left hand before I drew it from behind my back and raised it towards Solas. “Like I said, noth...” I trailed of when I saw that the ball of snow remained in my left hand though I no longer held onto it. 

“Nothing?” He teased. 

I angled my hand so my palm was facing the ground and the ball remained stuck. “Fuck.” I cursed under my breath. I shook my hand a bit in an attempt to dislodge the snow though it didn’t move. “Shit.” I swore again and began to rapidly whip my hand around. Bits of snow began to fall off until less than half the ball remained completely frozen solid and cemented against my palm. I groaned and tried to peel it from my hand but stopped when my skin was tugged along with it, like when you lick ice and your tongue fuses to it. 

Solas had been quietly laughing through my whole ordeal and finally took pity on me when I begged him with my eyes. “Fire should suffice.”

I set my hand alight and watched as the ice melted away and the water evaporated. When the ice was completely gone, I let the flames snuff out so I could inspect my palm. The fire had brought back feeling in the hand but a solid reddened circle where the frozen snow had been remained.

“What was it you tried to do?” He asked once again. 

“I wanted to freeze a snowball.” I huffed out and crossed my arms. “We’ve only done fire, I can do fire.”

“Barely.” Solas commented and I scoffed. “You’ve shown to possess an affinity for fire, yes, but you can hardly form a fireball.”

“But I can do this!” I defended and drew on my magic to show him the fire snake thing I did the previous day. He watched as I walked around while I waved and twisted my arm as the fire dragged along like a ribbon in the wind. 

“You’re supposed to wait!” The abrupt direction caused my fire to instantly burn out as I turned to Darren with my arms at my sides. His nose was deeply bruised and very angry. A surge of guilt ran through me. 

“Oh, shit, Darren.” I groaned. “I’m so sorry.”

He waved his hand sharply at my apology and changed the subject. “You are not supposed to be training without myself present.” He reiterated. “Those were the orders.”

“Yes, I know.” I nodded and clasped my hands in front of me. 

Darren sighed before he stood where he usually did. “Don’t let it happen again.”

Solas huffed with mild annoyance. “I assure you, no harm would have come from Lady Jessabelle’s display that I would not have been able to counteract.”

Darren scoffed but said nothing more. 

“Now...” Solas gained my attention, “Shall we begin?”


End file.
